13 yo’s neuropsych results Debrief - both parents requested

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s obviously a lot more going on here than the request to have both parents present. I was a kid whose needs were not adequately addressed in school because of my parents’ martial and mental health issues. Both refused in their own ways to help me: one through anger and denial, one through avoidance and hand wringing about the other’s potential reactions. And this was in addition to their general level of emotionally neglectful parenting, which would have affected a NT kid.

They are still married, still unhappy, still in denial about the full extent of their mental health and marital issues. Except now they are old and frail and isolated and have an extremely surface level relationship with their kids. I lost years of potential over their selfishness.

I used to hate them for it and now I am just sad for all of us. It didn’t need to be this way. Find the way through that gets your kid the help they need.

Can you, as an adult, see what was driving the “hand wringing”?

It’s not like the one functional parent had a clear good option when married to a dude and looking at divorced coparenting. That’s not good for a highly sensitive SN kids either- two houses, vastly different parenting styles, parents still arguing, one parent doing everything but from afar half the time.

But yes, get the kids adhd treated, unlike their adhd parent. And get them some talk therapy. Tutors, what they need. It’s all the functional parent to do that.

Dysfunctional parent can skip the meeting, the neuropsychologist doctor is not going to save the marriage. In fact she may create an excuse for an immediate drawn out, expensive divorce. Untreated asd bipolar adults not treating their symptoms will just punch out. Go work and be a bachelor again. It’s easier that dealing with this.

Yeah, look, I can’t say my mom has had a lot of great choices. That’s part of why she ended up marrying a selfish, emotionally stunted narcissist like my dad, with his various untreated mental health issues. She saw confidence and financial stability. But what a price she paid and continues to pay for living in a nice house and having nice clothes. And she repeatedly chose not to leave, including when there were no longer kids in the house, and even after those kids were financially capable of supporting her in a comfortable existence. Leaving would have been very hard and required making very hard decisions, or frankly making any decisions at all, which she struggles to do, so she has just kept plugging along and not deciding anything, yet complaining to anyone who will listen about how hard her life is because of my dad.

Parenting is hard. It requires very hard decisions. It requires putting your kid first even when it is hard. So yeah I understand what is behind the hand wringing. And I’m not trying to come after OP about it. I get it. But I am sharing an example of what happens when the tiptoeing around the difficult parent gets in the way of helping the kid. It is not benign. And kids remember whose needs were prioritized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Other parent has Dx of autism, bipolar II, anxiety and depression. Works a lot and ignores family, is difficult to live with.

13 yo who’s exhibiting increased adhd, depression and oppositional behavior has just had second neuropsych. Last one was age 9, was told adhd.

The child also brought up fears about divorce and parents arguing a bunch. The write up won’t go over well with the other parent.

Don’t know what to do. Hand over report sprinkled with stressful home life comments, suffer the fall out? Bring them to debrief and watch the DARVO game? Will this trigger a divorce- they skip town, dump us all?

Surely the psychologist has a plan for this narcissist/ absentee parent talk… I sure don’t.

Give Absentee parent an out - because their work is so important would they rather than you handled this long boring kid thing? Give them the sanitized report for school if they ask (are you sure they will?).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be honest and go alone. They can request both parents, but both don't need to come.

Yes to this. They can’t actually make you bring the other parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other parent has Dx of autism, bipolar II, anxiety and depression. Works a lot and ignores family, is difficult to live with.

13 yo who’s exhibiting increased adhd, depression and oppositional behavior has just had second neuropsych. Last one was age 9, was told adhd.

The child also brought up fears about divorce and parents arguing a bunch. The write up won’t go over well with the other parent.

Don’t know what to do. Hand over report sprinkled with stressful home life comments, suffer the fall out? Bring them to debrief and watch the DARVO game? Will this trigger a divorce- they skip town, dump us all?

Surely the psychologist has a plan for this narcissist/ absentee parent talk… I sure don’t.

Give Absentee parent an out - because their work is so important would they rather than you handled this long boring kid thing? Give them the sanitized report for school if they ask (are you sure they will?).

IMO given their DX they will come in order to deny everything and blame everyone else for whatever is going on. Could really derail the consult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s obviously a lot more going on here than the request to have both parents present. I was a kid whose needs were not adequately addressed in school because of my parents’ martial and mental health issues. Both refused in their own ways to help me: one through anger and denial, one through avoidance and hand wringing about the other’s potential reactions. And this was in addition to their general level of emotionally neglectful parenting, which would have affected a NT kid.

They are still married, still unhappy, still in denial about the full extent of their mental health and marital issues. Except now they are old and frail and isolated and have an extremely surface level relationship with their kids. I lost years of potential over their selfishness.

I used to hate them for it and now I am just sad for all of us. It didn’t need to be this way. Find the way through that gets your kid the help they need.

Can you, as an adult, see what was driving the “hand wringing”?

It’s not like the one functional parent had a clear good option when married to a dude and looking at divorced coparenting. That’s not good for a highly sensitive SN kids either- two houses, vastly different parenting styles, parents still arguing, one parent doing everything but from afar half the time.

But yes, get the kids adhd treated, unlike their adhd parent. And get them some talk therapy. Tutors, what they need. It’s all the functional parent to do that.

Dysfunctional parent can skip the meeting, the neuropsychologist doctor is not going to save the marriage. In fact she may create an excuse for an immediate drawn out, expensive divorce. Untreated asd bipolar adults not treating their symptoms will just punch out. Go work and be a bachelor again. It’s easier that dealing with this.

Yeah, look, I can’t say my mom has had a lot of great choices. That’s part of why she ended up marrying a selfish, emotionally stunted narcissist like my dad, with his various untreated mental health issues. She saw confidence and financial stability. But what a price she paid and continues to pay for living in a nice house and having nice clothes. And she repeatedly chose not to leave, including when there were no longer kids in the house, and even after those kids were financially capable of supporting her in a comfortable existence. Leaving would have been very hard and required making very hard decisions, or frankly making any decisions at all, which she struggles to do, so she has just kept plugging along and not deciding anything, yet complaining to anyone who will listen about how hard her life is because of my dad.

Parenting is hard. It requires very hard decisions. It requires putting your kid first even when it is hard. So yeah I understand what is behind the hand wringing. And I’m not trying to come after OP about it. I get it. But I am sharing an example of what happens when the tiptoeing around the difficult parent gets in the way of helping the kid. It is not benign. And kids remember whose needs were prioritized.

Sounds like OPs kid is getting care and needs met- At least with one attentive parent doing the child’s neuropsychs every few years for school or understanding.

If you’re suggesting divorce is the way to go with u18 kids in this sort of situation, have a hard think about how that actually plays out given family law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be honest and go alone. They can request both parents, but both don't need to come.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other parent has Dx of autism, bipolar II, anxiety and depression. Works a lot and ignores family, is difficult to live with.

13 yo who’s exhibiting increased adhd, depression and oppositional behavior has just had second neuropsych. Last one was age 9, was told adhd.

The child also brought up fears about divorce and parents arguing a bunch. The write up won’t go over well with the other parent.

Don’t know what to do. Hand over report sprinkled with stressful home life comments, suffer the fall out? Bring them to debrief and watch the DARVO game? Will this trigger a divorce- they skip town, dump us all?

Surely the psychologist has a plan for this narcissist/ absentee parent talk… I sure don’t.

Give Absentee parent an out - because their work is so important would they rather than you handled this long boring kid thing? Give them the sanitized report for school if they ask (are you sure they will?).

IMO given their DX they will come in order to deny everything and blame everyone else for whatever is going on. Could really derail the consult.

j

My experience was that my exH, who normally was a problem, when asked to appear/participate in psych consult for child, actually kept himself together because he didn't want to look bad in front of the psych. He came to a few meetings, said only positive things about DH and left me to look like the complainer when I spoke honestly about DC's struggles (fine) and eventually made work excuses to the psych and stopped attending. We also had a format with the psych where the parents and child would all attend together for the first and last 5-10 minutes (to report symptoms and hear treatment plan) and the rest of the time was for kid. We've done something similar with neuropsychology - when kid was old enough we either split an hour or asked for more time - some time to explain results to everyone and then time to ask questions either together or separately.

You can absolutely ask the neuropsychologist to keep your characterizations private or to describe them in generic terms. I told the neuropsychological evaluating DC that there was a strong paternal history of bipolar, but that I would prefer it doesn't go in the report in a way that identifies that diagnosis or ties it to a particular family member, so the report just says, "family history of mental illness". It's also possible to ask the neuropsychological to write a report "exec summary" that keeps some private details private so that you can give to school, etc.