Advice: 10 year old wants to use a binder

[Anonymous]

At 10?

[Anonymous]

when you know you know

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the helpful responses. I haven’t brought it up but I have gotten my child some sports bras. They are definitely favored undergarments!

I’m really just trying to follow my child’s lead and let them know I love, support and celebrate them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid went through this. She asked for a binder, and I got her one. It was just a more muscular version of a sports bra. She wore it for a couple of years while coming to terms with the garbage fire that is femininity today-- through puberty, basically. Once she became more comfortable with her new body, she stopped.

I think it's great that kids today--whether they end up trans or cis-- have the option of postponing becoming capital-w Women, rather than being thrown into the deep end, complete with sexualization they're not ready for. I was told to "enjoy the attention, it won't last" when I was a body-conscious adolescent.

A little off topic but as an adult lesbian looking back at my tween/teen self’s life you are onto something with some girls using this as a way to postpone and/or avoid unwanted attention and sexualization and the other negative things that can come with being an adult female in our society.
I do wish there were more open conversations about that instead of the pressure to affirm non-female identities sometimes leading to medical transition.
There is a generation of young females that have been led astray with this stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FFS leave them alone.
There are many types of bras and sports bras. There are also many ways NBs dress and present. No, I would not bring this up. Sports bras are fine for a 10 year old.
Also get them off the internet and don’t feed the dysphoria.

AGAIN with the cis-normative content. Get them ON the internet so they can get support from people who actually care about them.

By using ridiculous clinical language in a non-clinical setting?

“Cis-normative?” That isn’t something people say, so stop trying to force it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid went through this. She asked for a binder, and I got her one. It was just a more muscular version of a sports bra. She wore it for a couple of years while coming to terms with the garbage fire that is femininity today-- through puberty, basically. Once she became more comfortable with her new body, she stopped.

I think it's great that kids today--whether they end up trans or cis-- have the option of postponing becoming capital-w Women, rather than being thrown into the deep end, complete with sexualization they're not ready for. I was told to "enjoy the attention, it won't last" when I was a body-conscious adolescent.

A little off topic but as an adult lesbian looking back at my tween/teen self’s life you are onto something with some girls using this as a way to postpone and/or avoid unwanted attention and sexualization and the other negative things that can come with being an adult female in our society.
I do wish there were more open conversations about that instead of the pressure to affirm non-female identities sometimes leading to medical transition.
There is a generation of young females that have been led astray with this stuff.

You really need to question the harmful assumptions in what you just wrote. Maybe you were “led astray” by the lack of support for transition in your generation. This kind of statement is damaging to trans kids who deserve to be supported on their journey. Affirmative care is the medical standard for a reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FFS leave them alone.
There are many types of bras and sports bras. There are also many ways NBs dress and present. No, I would not bring this up. Sports bras are fine for a 10 year old.
Also get them off the internet and don’t feed the dysphoria.

AGAIN with the cis-normative content. Get them ON the internet so they can get support from people who actually care about them.

By using ridiculous clinical language in a non-clinical setting?

“Cis-normative?” That isn’t something people say, so stop trying to force it.

Well then let me spell it out for you in non technical words so you understand. This poster (you?) is suggesting that kids questioning their gender identity because of the internet is a bad thing. It’s not. Just admit it gives you the ick already, we can all tell you’re a phobe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FFS leave them alone.
There are many types of bras and sports bras. There are also many ways NBs dress and present. No, I would not bring this up. Sports bras are fine for a 10 year old.
Also get them off the internet and don’t feed the dysphoria.

AGAIN with the cis-normative content. Get them ON the internet so they can get support from people who actually care about them.

There is no version of setting a 10-year-old loose on the internet on this topic that is appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FFS leave them alone.
There are many types of bras and sports bras. There are also many ways NBs dress and present. No, I would not bring this up. Sports bras are fine for a 10 year old.
Also get them off the internet and don’t feed the dysphoria.

AGAIN with the cis-normative content. Get them ON the internet so they can get support from people who actually care about them.

There is no version of setting a 10-year-old loose on the internet on this topic that is appropriate.

The version of this that is appropriate is when they have transphobic, unsupportive parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid went through this. She asked for a binder, and I got her one. It was just a more muscular version of a sports bra. She wore it for a couple of years while coming to terms with the garbage fire that is femininity today-- through puberty, basically. Once she became more comfortable with her new body, she stopped.

I think it's great that kids today--whether they end up trans or cis-- have the option of postponing becoming capital-w Women, rather than being thrown into the deep end, complete with sexualization they're not ready for. I was told to "enjoy the attention, it won't last" when I was a body-conscious adolescent.

A little off topic but as an adult lesbian looking back at my tween/teen self’s life you are onto something with some girls using this as a way to postpone and/or avoid unwanted attention and sexualization and the other negative things that can come with being an adult female in our society.
I do wish there were more open conversations about that instead of the pressure to affirm non-female identities sometimes leading to medical transition.
There is a generation of young females that have been led astray with this stuff.

Agreed. As a parent in a liberal community, I saw a lot of kids go through puberty, with varying degrees of comfort. Some went straight to push-up bras and makeup. Some leaned hard the other way. Of maybe two dozen kids, ONE ended up actually being transgender by HS graduation. Most of the middle school girls who changed their pronouns and cut their hair and wore binders or baggy clothes just weren't ready to be women. And I don't blame them one bit.

I see it as protective coloring. Fawns have spots to camouflage them in a vulnerable time in their lives. Why can't our girls have camouflage to protect them from a society that wants to sexualize them in childhood? And why on earth should this be political? Or medical, if I'm being honest. The too-liberal parents who rush an 11 year old for gender affirming care are on the extreme (and wrong IMO) end of the spectrum. Love your kids. Make them feel safe. Get to know who they are and be patient while THEY get to know who they are.

It's a turbulent time in any person's life; the job of the parent is to hold them up while the waves crash around them. Permanent decisions can wait for after the maelstrom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid went through this. She asked for a binder, and I got her one. It was just a more muscular version of a sports bra. She wore it for a couple of years while coming to terms with the garbage fire that is femininity today-- through puberty, basically. Once she became more comfortable with her new body, she stopped.

I think it's great that kids today--whether they end up trans or cis-- have the option of postponing becoming capital-w Women, rather than being thrown into the deep end, complete with sexualization they're not ready for. I was told to "enjoy the attention, it won't last" when I was a body-conscious adolescent.

A little off topic but as an adult lesbian looking back at my tween/teen self’s life you are onto something with some girls using this as a way to postpone and/or avoid unwanted attention and sexualization and the other negative things that can come with being an adult female in our society.
I do wish there were more open conversations about that instead of the pressure to affirm non-female identities sometimes leading to medical transition.
There is a generation of young females that have been led astray with this stuff.

Agreed. As a parent in a liberal community, I saw a lot of kids go through puberty, with varying degrees of comfort. Some went straight to push-up bras and makeup. Some leaned hard the other way. Of maybe two dozen kids, ONE ended up actually being transgender by HS graduation. Most of the middle school girls who changed their pronouns and cut their hair and wore binders or baggy clothes just weren't ready to be women. And I don't blame them one bit.

I see it as protective coloring. Fawns have spots to camouflage them in a vulnerable time in their lives. Why can't our girls have camouflage to protect them from a society that wants to sexualize them in childhood? And why on earth should this be political? Or medical, if I'm being honest. The too-liberal parents who rush an 11 year old for gender affirming care are on the extreme (and wrong IMO) end of the spectrum. Love your kids. Make them feel safe. Get to know who they are and be patient while THEY get to know who they are.

It's a turbulent time in any person's life; the job of the parent is to hold them up while the waves crash around them. Permanent decisions can wait for after the maelstrom.

Gender-affirming care is the evidence-based standard of care endorsed by AMA and AAP. This is a not a "do your own research" situation. I assume you are not an anti-vaxxer, in which case there is no helping you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid went through this. She asked for a binder, and I got her one. It was just a more muscular version of a sports bra. She wore it for a couple of years while coming to terms with the garbage fire that is femininity today-- through puberty, basically. Once she became more comfortable with her new body, she stopped.

I think it's great that kids today--whether they end up trans or cis-- have the option of postponing becoming capital-w Women, rather than being thrown into the deep end, complete with sexualization they're not ready for. I was told to "enjoy the attention, it won't last" when I was a body-conscious adolescent.

A little off topic but as an adult lesbian looking back at my tween/teen self’s life you are onto something with some girls using this as a way to postpone and/or avoid unwanted attention and sexualization and the other negative things that can come with being an adult female in our society.
I do wish there were more open conversations about that instead of the pressure to affirm non-female identities sometimes leading to medical transition.
There is a generation of young females that have been led astray with this stuff.

Agreed. As a parent in a liberal community, I saw a lot of kids go through puberty, with varying degrees of comfort. Some went straight to push-up bras and makeup. Some leaned hard the other way. Of maybe two dozen kids, ONE ended up actually being transgender by HS graduation. Most of the middle school girls who changed their pronouns and cut their hair and wore binders or baggy clothes just weren't ready to be women. And I don't blame them one bit.

I see it as protective coloring. Fawns have spots to camouflage them in a vulnerable time in their lives. Why can't our girls have camouflage to protect them from a society that wants to sexualize them in childhood? And why on earth should this be political? Or medical, if I'm being honest. The too-liberal parents who rush an 11 year old for gender affirming care are on the extreme (and wrong IMO) end of the spectrum. Love your kids. Make them feel safe. Get to know who they are and be patient while THEY get to know who they are.

It's a turbulent time in any person's life; the job of the parent is to hold them up while the waves crash around them. Permanent decisions can wait for after the maelstrom.

Gender-affirming care is the evidence-based standard of care endorsed by AMA and AAP. This is a not a "do your own research" situation. I assume you are not an anti-vaxxer, in which case there is no helping you.

"the evidence-based standard of care " for whom?

For every little girl who gets her period and says "I don't wanna!"?? For kids who are happy as children and don't want to be adults yet?

Or for kids with mental health issues beyond the shitshow that is typical puberty?

Hating your body and feeling uncomfortable with the transition to sexual maturity is normal. It does not usually require a specialist, who is essentially a person with a hammer to whom everything is a nail. Listen, sometimes a hammer IS the right tool. But I see a lot of people (on the internet mostly) reaching for the hammer before trying anything else, and I think that's the wrong approach.

Lucky for you, I am not your mother. Lucky for my kid, I validated her and supported her and provided her a safe space and developmentally-appropriate distraction from the totally-typical upheavals of puberty, rather than medicalizing her and encouraging her to think there was something wrong with her that needed to be fixed. It took time. (Time I wish I had been granted, instead of being told I needed to start wearing pantyhose and "acting like a lady".) If her discomfort hadn't resolved with time, I would have sought out professional help. But it did, as will happen with most kids-- as evidenced by the continued survival of the species and the success of the wedding-industrial complex.

But I think you know that. I think you're dug into an extreme position, and will defend it to the death. I hope you find your peace.

For other parents with kids who are questioning, I see you, I know it's weird (that was your squishy little baby!) and possibly scary-- Trump's America is not kind to women and trans people-- and I encourage you to give it time and love. See who your kid turns out to be.

[Anonymous]

I appreciate that you are attempting to find a middle road, in your own mind. But if the position of the AMA and AAP are an "extreme position", then you need a reality check. A few decades ago, homophobia was wrapped in the same expressions of concern that transphobia is today.

[Anonymous]

It looks like the title to the thread is misleading. The kid hasn't asked for a binder and isn't even aware that such a thing exists. It sounds like Mom has been googling and came up with this on her own.

Based on that information, it seems totally reasonable to start with a sports bra and see if that makes your child feel comfortable. If they're still uncomfortable, then you can have a next conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate that you are attempting to find a middle road, in your own mind. But if the position of the AMA and AAP are an "extreme position", then you need a reality check. A few decades ago, homophobia was wrapped in the same expressions of concern that transphobia is today.

New poster, but I don't see PP's comments as not affirming the child, merely recognizing that not feeling ready for an Instagram version of teen femininity at 10 or 11 is not the same as feeling non-binary or trans. I know trans children and they have been clear about their identities since very young ages. A child who is on the cusp of or just beginning puberty and doesn't feel ready for or doesn't recognize themselves in an adult male or female body yet doesn't need to have their anxieties further pathologized into actual dysmorphia.