Advice: 10 year old wants to use a binder

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate that you are attempting to find a middle road, in your own mind. But if the position of the AMA and AAP are an "extreme position", then you need a reality check. A few decades ago, homophobia was wrapped in the same expressions of concern that transphobia is today.

Ok, with this post, you've revealed your extremist agenda.

No one here is saying they would disown their trans kid. No one in the 1950s said "give the boy time to figure out if he's gay." You are misrepresenting both situations to shore up a distasteful hardline position.

Thanks for playing, though. Some of the other posts, the ones attempting to temper your absurd strawmen, are really lovely and thoughtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid went through this. She asked for a binder, and I got her one. It was just a more muscular version of a sports bra. She wore it for a couple of years while coming to terms with the garbage fire that is femininity today-- through puberty, basically. Once she became more comfortable with her new body, she stopped.

I think it's great that kids today--whether they end up trans or cis-- have the option of postponing becoming capital-w Women, rather than being thrown into the deep end, complete with sexualization they're not ready for. I was told to "enjoy the attention, it won't last" when I was a body-conscious adolescent.

A little off topic but as an adult lesbian looking back at my tween/teen self’s life you are onto something with some girls using this as a way to postpone and/or avoid unwanted attention and sexualization and the other negative things that can come with being an adult female in our society.
I do wish there were more open conversations about that instead of the pressure to affirm non-female identities sometimes leading to medical transition.
There is a generation of young females that have been led astray with this stuff.

Agreed. As a parent in a liberal community, I saw a lot of kids go through puberty, with varying degrees of comfort. Some went straight to push-up bras and makeup. Some leaned hard the other way. Of maybe two dozen kids, ONE ended up actually being transgender by HS graduation. Most of the middle school girls who changed their pronouns and cut their hair and wore binders or baggy clothes just weren't ready to be women. And I don't blame them one bit.

I see it as protective coloring. Fawns have spots to camouflage them in a vulnerable time in their lives. Why can't our girls have camouflage to protect them from a society that wants to sexualize them in childhood? And why on earth should this be political? Or medical, if I'm being honest. The too-liberal parents who rush an 11 year old for gender affirming care are on the extreme (and wrong IMO) end of the spectrum. Love your kids. Make them feel safe. Get to know who they are and be patient while THEY get to know who they are.

It's a turbulent time in any person's life; the job of the parent is to hold them up while the waves crash around them. Permanent decisions can wait for after the maelstrom.

I think either extreme is bad. You can respect a kid's preferred pronouns and presentation without rushing to medical treatment. "Gender affirming" doesn't only mean giving hormones. It means listening and supporting, weighing all the options to help a kid feel comfortable in their own skin. Gender dysphoria is a range -- as is gender identity and presentation. You have to know and love your specific kid.

For our kid, gender-neutral pronouns, sports bras, and treatment for excessively long/heavy periods went pretty much the whole way is making them feel good. We kept communication lines open and sought to provide guidance without judgment. I think that supporting them but not rushing to "affirm" them in some preset or stereotypical way was important, because it gave them space to figure out who they were, rather than jumping from one identity to another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid went through this. She asked for a binder, and I got her one. It was just a more muscular version of a sports bra. She wore it for a couple of years while coming to terms with the garbage fire that is femininity today-- through puberty, basically. Once she became more comfortable with her new body, she stopped.

I think it's great that kids today--whether they end up trans or cis-- have the option of postponing becoming capital-w Women, rather than being thrown into the deep end, complete with sexualization they're not ready for. I was told to "enjoy the attention, it won't last" when I was a body-conscious adolescent.

A little off topic but as an adult lesbian looking back at my tween/teen self’s life you are onto something with some girls using this as a way to postpone and/or avoid unwanted attention and sexualization and the other negative things that can come with being an adult female in our society.
I do wish there were more open conversations about that instead of the pressure to affirm non-female identities sometimes leading to medical transition.
There is a generation of young females that have been led astray with this stuff.

Agreed. As a parent in a liberal community, I saw a lot of kids go through puberty, with varying degrees of comfort. Some went straight to push-up bras and makeup. Some leaned hard the other way. Of maybe two dozen kids, ONE ended up actually being transgender by HS graduation. Most of the middle school girls who changed their pronouns and cut their hair and wore binders or baggy clothes just weren't ready to be women. And I don't blame them one bit.

I see it as protective coloring. Fawns have spots to camouflage them in a vulnerable time in their lives. Why can't our girls have camouflage to protect them from a society that wants to sexualize them in childhood? And why on earth should this be political? Or medical, if I'm being honest. The too-liberal parents who rush an 11 year old for gender affirming care are on the extreme (and wrong IMO) end of the spectrum. Love your kids. Make them feel safe. Get to know who they are and be patient while THEY get to know who they are.

It's a turbulent time in any person's life; the job of the parent is to hold them up while the waves crash around them. Permanent decisions can wait for after the maelstrom.

Gender-affirming care is the evidence-based standard of care endorsed by AMA and AAP. This is a not a "do your own research" situation. I assume you are not an anti-vaxxer, in which case there is no helping you.

"the evidence-based standard of care " for whom?

For every little girl who gets her period and says "I don't wanna!"?? For kids who are happy as children and don't want to be adults yet?

Or for kids with mental health issues beyond the shitshow that is typical puberty?

Hating your body and feeling uncomfortable with the transition to sexual maturity is normal. It does not usually require a specialist, who is essentially a person with a hammer to whom everything is a nail. Listen, sometimes a hammer IS the right tool. But I see a lot of people (on the internet mostly) reaching for the hammer before trying anything else, and I think that's the wrong approach.

Lucky for you, I am not your mother. Lucky for my kid, I validated her and supported her and provided her a safe space and developmentally-appropriate distraction from the totally-typical upheavals of puberty, rather than medicalizing her and encouraging her to think there was something wrong with her that needed to be fixed. It took time. (Time I wish I had been granted, instead of being told I needed to start wearing pantyhose and "acting like a lady".) If her discomfort hadn't resolved with time, I would have sought out professional help. But it did, as will happen with most kids-- as evidenced by the continued survival of the species and the success of the wedding-industrial complex.

But I think you know that. I think you're dug into an extreme position, and will defend it to the death. I hope you find your peace.

For other parents with kids who are questioning, I see you, I know it's weird (that was your squishy little baby!) and possibly scary-- Trump's America is not kind to women and trans people-- and I encourage you to give it time and love. See who your kid turns out to be.

This. People use the vocabulary their culture provides to describe their experiences, and that can shape their experiences. Not every kid who hits puberty and feels like their body has turned against them is transgender. We used to call them "late bloomers" or "tomboys." Now the cultural vocabulary is about gender identity. A huge part of parenting a kid through puberty is helping them sort out what's normal (albeit unpleasant or uncomfortable) versus what's a sign of something being wrong. Discomfort with puberty sometimes, but not always, signals a discomfort with one's assigned sex, and sorting that out can be tricky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It looks like the title to the thread is misleading. The kid hasn't asked for a binder and isn't even aware that such a thing exists. It sounds like Mom has been googling and came up with this on her own.

Based on that information, it seems totally reasonable to start with a sports bra and see if that makes your child feel comfortable. If they're still uncomfortable, then you can have a next conversation.

OP here- just clarifying, my child was searching for binders. My child has shared they are exploring their gender identity. This all does seem to be happening with the onset of puberty (no period yet, but other things are happening) so I do wonder if some of it (all of it? Any of it?) is related to not being comfortable with a grown up body just yet.

I appreciate people sharing their own experiences as a parent, or from growing up. It’s helping me think through a lot of things

[Anonymous]

Frances Reed has a great book on safe binding and what types of binders to use. More for your info than for your child to read.


Unsure on age safety though with a growing body. Maybe sports bras for now.

[Anonymous]

I would also have conversations about your child on what gender means to them. What do they think being a "girl" means? Is it a certain way of acting, looking, or talking? Is it liking certain things (like boys) and disliking others? Does it mean accepting being sexualized by males, and is rejecting gender and becoming neutral a way of escaping the unfair expectations placed on girls? Find out if their nonbinary identity is a celebration of an innate masculinity or a way to reject and escape from parts of themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would also have conversations about your child on what gender means to them. What do they think being a "girl" means? Is it a certain way of acting, looking, or talking? Is it liking certain things (like boys) and disliking others? Does it mean accepting being sexualized by males, and is rejecting gender and becoming neutral a way of escaping the unfair expectations placed on girls? Find out if their nonbinary identity is a celebration of an innate masculinity or a way to reject and escape from parts of themselves.

Another refusal, framed as “just asking questions”, to see a trans kid. Instead you want to talk them back to the person you want them to be. Let them be who they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would also have conversations about your child on what gender means to them. What do they think being a "girl" means? Is it a certain way of acting, looking, or talking? Is it liking certain things (like boys) and disliking others? Does it mean accepting being sexualized by males, and is rejecting gender and becoming neutral a way of escaping the unfair expectations placed on girls? Find out if their nonbinary identity is a celebration of an innate masculinity or a way to reject and escape from parts of themselves.

Another refusal, framed as “just asking questions”, to see a trans kid. Instead you want to talk them back to the person you want them to be. Let them be who they are.

As if social media isn't talking them into being something they may or may not be?

OP, ask the questions (and listen to the answers)! Don't forfeit your parenting to the algorithm, which of course thrives on the BS this sockpuppet is pushing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It looks like the title to the thread is misleading. The kid hasn't asked for a binder and isn't even aware that such a thing exists. It sounds like Mom has been googling and came up with this on her own.

Based on that information, it seems totally reasonable to start with a sports bra and see if that makes your child feel comfortable. If they're still uncomfortable, then you can have a next conversation.

OP here- just clarifying, my child was searching for binders. My child has shared they are exploring their gender identity. This all does seem to be happening with the onset of puberty (no period yet, but other things are happening) so I do wonder if some of it (all of it? Any of it?) is related to not being comfortable with a grown up body just yet.

I appreciate people sharing their own experiences as a parent, or from growing up. It’s helping me think through a lot of things

Of your kid hasn't displayed gender confusion in the last 5 years prior, it's unlikely they know what they are talking about at 10.