Adult sister on the spectrum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My older sister was the golden child growing up- good grades, never got in trouble, etc. She was always kinda awkward socially and a nerd, although she had a group of similar friends in HS. For some reason her quirks have gotten more grating as she's gotten older- when we all see eachother at family gathering she's always quieter than everyone else and it's awkward. I know some of our cousins think she is weird too. Occasionally we do milestone sister weekends with our other sister but the last time she blew up about something and got upset and I've made excuses for any suggestions for having one again. My other sister and I have gotten together on our own when she was out of the country and unavalable.

Well she recently got a neuropsych and they say she has Adhd, anxiety, and mild autism. I guess it explains a lot (I doubt she really has Adhd though) but now what do I do? She asked us not to tell our parents, I guess it would knock her off her pedestal. Should I be making more efforts to engage and visit? I want to tell her her DD should get an eval too because I see some of the same signs.....

Why did she supposedly even tell you about her medical neuro tests?

OP here- honestly it felt like she wanted attention. Shouldn't you keep stuff like that private?

Maybe she wants your support? She is opting not to tell your parents right now, doesn’t sounds like she wants attention at all.

[Anonymous]

Leave her alone OP.

[Anonymous]

Do some research.

Girls are highly underdiagnosed, they are really good at coping mechanisms and don’t present in the same way as ADHD boys.

I would take the neuropsych’s eval over yours.

When you read up on the range of presentations of ADHD you may find that multiple people in your family have it.

It is not a crime or even something bad, it is something to understand. Knowing this can help you understand your sister’s perspective and things that previously annoyed may now do so less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My older sister was the golden child growing up- good grades, never got in trouble, etc. She was always kinda awkward socially and a nerd, although she had a group of similar friends in HS. For some reason her quirks have gotten more grating as she's gotten older- when we all see eachother at family gathering she's always quieter than everyone else and it's awkward. I know some of our cousins think she is weird too. Occasionally we do milestone sister weekends with our other sister but the last time she blew up about something and got upset and I've made excuses for any suggestions for having one again. My other sister and I have gotten together on our own when she was out of the country and unavalable.

Well she recently got a neuropsych and they say she has Adhd, anxiety, and mild autism. I guess it explains a lot (I doubt she really has Adhd though) but now what do I do? She asked us not to tell our parents, I guess it would knock her off her pedestal. Should I be making more efforts to engage and visit? I want to tell her her DD should get an eval too because I see some of the same signs.....

Why did she supposedly even tell you about her medical neuro tests?

OP here- honestly it felt like she wanted attention. Shouldn't you keep stuff like that private?

NO, mental health and neurodivergence should not be taboo, because that's how you perpetuate cycles of shame and guilt. You think being autistic is a stigma, which is why your reaction is that she shouldn't share. What a tragic notion! There is no stigma. A lot of very successful people have autism, because it allows them to be single-minded in their pursuits and that drive has made them successful.

Of course she wants attention from you. Why is that a bad thing? It sounds like you've always criticized her and thought her inferior. She is trying to tell you that she can't help being different, and that you should accept her for who she is! Why is this hard for you? This is a HUGE deal for her, OP: she knew she was different all along, and your family made her feel bad about it all her life. Now she has proof that it's not her fault, and she wants you to, if not apologize for past slights, at least verbalize that she's a good person and that she's been trying hard to fit in. You think she didn't make enough effort. I can tell you, as an autistic person and one with autistic relatives, that your sister has tried hard all her life.

Don't be cruel.

[Anonymous]

Please try to lead with kindness and understanding, OP.

I have a friend of over 50 years who sounds like your sister. She has many wonderful qualities but her ADHD and anxiety (and possibly high-functioning autism) can sometimes make social interactions difficult. I suggest you learn about ADHD/anxiety/autism and keep the lines of communication open. Gently set clear boundaries as necessary.

My friend is very neurodivergent and her sisters were neurotypical. While she was the “successful” one in terms of academics and career, she continues to suffer greatly.

Now that her parents have gone, she has been estranged from her two younger sisters (both married with kids) for several years. She is single and very alone. I feel tremendously sad for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why hasn't she thought about her DD also having it? Tell her. It's not like you hang out all the time and now won't.
I have whole family denying that they have it. One go evaluated and he is trying to tell others.
They just think the extra struggles are part of life and everything weird is simply preference.

Why would they need to seek evaluation, and accept that they have it? That’s not very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My older sister was the golden child growing up- good grades, never got in trouble, etc. She was always kinda awkward socially and a nerd, although she had a group of similar friends in HS. For some reason her quirks have gotten more grating as she's gotten older- when we all see eachother at family gathering she's always quieter than everyone else and it's awkward. I know some of our cousins think she is weird too. Occasionally we do milestone sister weekends with our other sister but the last time she blew up about something and got upset and I've made excuses for any suggestions for having one again. My other sister and I have gotten together on our own when she was out of the country and unavalable.

Well she recently got a neuropsych and they say she has Adhd, anxiety, and mild autism. I guess it explains a lot (I doubt she really has Adhd though) but now what do I do? She asked us not to tell our parents, I guess it would knock her off her pedestal. Should I be making more efforts to engage and visit? I want to tell her her DD should get an eval too because I see some of the same signs.....

Why did she supposedly even tell you about her medical neuro tests?

OP here- honestly it felt like she wanted attention. Shouldn't you keep stuff like that private?

No. I would definitely tell my trusted circle of friends and family what I'm going through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone who’s weird, or quiet, or smart has autism now, or is “on the spectrum”.

Yes.

[Anonymous]

So, your sister has been successful despite ADHD, anxiety and autism. What's the issue here? She's fine, you're fine. She can get appropriate therapy paid by her insurance provider due to her diagnosis. Maybe cut her some slack, she's obviously been struggling for a while and you haven't noticed. Nobody gets a referral and pays for a neuropsychology eval 'for attention ' . If you don't like your sister, and it sounds like you really don't, just continue with minimal communication.

[Anonymous]

So she’s married with a kid and just got tested as an adult? Good for her.

Just stay kind. Sounds like they have things handled, so don’t make things difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My older sister was the golden child growing up- good grades, never got in trouble, etc. She was always kinda awkward socially and a nerd, although she had a group of similar friends in HS. For some reason her quirks have gotten more grating as she's gotten older- when we all see eachother at family gathering she's always quieter than everyone else and it's awkward. I know some of our cousins think she is weird too. Occasionally we do milestone sister weekends with our other sister but the last time she blew up about something and got upset and I've made excuses for any suggestions for having one again. My other sister and I have gotten together on our own when she was out of the country and unavalable.

Well she recently got a neuropsych and they say she has Adhd, anxiety, and mild autism. I guess it explains a lot (I doubt she really has Adhd though) but now what do I do? She asked us not to tell our parents, I guess it would knock her off her pedestal. Should I be making more efforts to engage and visit? I want to tell her her DD should get an eval too because I see some of the same signs.....

Why did she supposedly even tell you about her medical neuro tests?

OP here- honestly it felt like she wanted attention. Shouldn't you keep stuff like that private?

She trusts you, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My older sister was the golden child growing up- good grades, never got in trouble, etc. She was always kinda awkward socially and a nerd, although she had a group of similar friends in HS. For some reason her quirks have gotten more grating as she's gotten older- when we all see eachother at family gathering she's always quieter than everyone else and it's awkward. I know some of our cousins think she is weird too. Occasionally we do milestone sister weekends with our other sister but the last time she blew up about something and got upset and I've made excuses for any suggestions for having one again. My other sister and I have gotten together on our own when she was out of the country and unavalable.

Well she recently got a neuropsych and they say she has Adhd, anxiety, and mild autism. I guess it explains a lot (I doubt she really has Adhd though) but now what do I do? She asked us not to tell our parents, I guess it would knock her off her pedestal. Should I be making more efforts to engage and visit? I want to tell her her DD should get an eval too because I see some of the same signs.....

Why did she supposedly even tell you about her medical neuro tests?

OP here- honestly it felt like she wanted attention. Shouldn't you keep stuff like that private?

NO, mental health and neurodivergence should not be taboo, because that's how you perpetuate cycles of shame and guilt. You think being autistic is a stigma, which is why your reaction is that she shouldn't share. What a tragic notion! There is no stigma. A lot of very successful people have autism, because it allows them to be single-minded in their pursuits and that drive has made them successful.

Of course she wants attention from you. Why is that a bad thing? It sounds like you've always criticized her and thought her inferior. She is trying to tell you that she can't help being different, and that you should accept her for who she is! Why is this hard for you? This is a HUGE deal for her, OP: she knew she was different all along, and your family made her feel bad about it all her life. Now she has proof that it's not her fault, and she wants you to, if not apologize for past slights, at least verbalize that she's a good person and that she's been trying hard to fit in. You think she didn't make enough effort. I can tell you, as an autistic person and one with autistic relatives, that your sister has tried hard all her life.

Don't be cruel.

Yes to all of the above. OP, please read this person’s post and take it in.

[Anonymous]

No, you are unkind. Leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone who’s weird, or quiet, or smart has autism now, or is “on the spectrum”.

This.

And I'm pretty sick of the people self-diagnosing on social media too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone who’s weird, or quiet, or smart has autism now, or is “on the spectrum”.

This.

And I'm pretty sick of the people self-diagnosing on social media too.

Doesn't appear to be 'self-diagnosis'. The poster says that she was diagnosed as part of a neuropsych eval. Generally that means that there was a diagnosis by a trained medical professional.