Invited to shower but not wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends on how well you know the person. I've been invited to showers for co-workers, book club members, tennis team members, etc but would never expect to be sent an invite to their actual wedding. This is not something to be personally offended about.

I feel like in these situations, it’s more common for the group to throw a sort of mini shower separately. When I got married, I was in a church small group. I did not invite the women to my wedding nor my shower. At one of our regular meetings, though, someone brought cupcakes and the group gave me a gift off my registry they’d pitched in to buy, which I thought was so kind! We’ve since done similar for other group members even though we have not been invited to the actual wedding or shower.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on how well you know the person. I've been invited to showers for co-workers, book club members, tennis team members, etc but would never expect to be sent an invite to their actual wedding. This is not something to be personally offended about.

^Also gift grabs.

Those haven't felt like gift grabs to me because they've been entirely organized by members, not the bride or groom or parents-to-be. It's just "Larla is getting married. Anyone who wants can chip in on this gift and come to brunch at my house on Sunday."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in my late 40s now so most of my peers married nearly 20 years ago. Even back then, the method of inviting to the shower and not the wedding was a well known gift grab technique.

It's tacky and translates to being good enough to give me a gift but not for the cost of the plate. I would decline and not send a gift. "Congratulations" when you see her is good enough.

Same, except I’m early 50s. Totally agree you don’t contribute to the gift grab when this happens. I never understood the sentiment you see on this thread that you “politely decline the shower and send a gift.” No.

Just politely decline in a timely way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends on how well you know the person. I've been invited to showers for co-workers, book club members, tennis team members, etc but would never expect to be sent an invite to their actual wedding. This is not something to be personally offended about.

Yeah this is normal for us too. Often showers invite all kinds of acquaintances and adjacent people - like church showers or work showers but all shower attendants aren't invited to the wedding. To me going to the shower is a great way to not have to go the wedding of people I am not close friends / famiy with. I wouldn't want a wedding invite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not go to the shower and wouldn’t send a gift either. No question.

This. This is super tacky.

Agreed. This is a pretty known thing not to do. Would hurt feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You absolutely do not go to the shower. That is a gift grab, and unless there is a good reason, quite insulting.

This right here. YOU do not go. Now you know how they see you. Do not send a gift either. You do nothing.

[Anonymous]

Why would you want to go to a wedding shower and hear all about wedding details and then not go to the wedding? Who thinks that people would enjoy this? If you like the person, just give them a your own card with gift card from a place on their registry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to go to a wedding shower and hear all about wedding details and then not go to the wedding? Who thinks that people would enjoy this? If you like the person, just give them a your own card with gift card from a place on their registry.

I would prefer going to showers actually, because it's usually a quick afternoon thing locally. No travel, no need to buy a dress... it's much less of a burden. That said, I agree OP shouldn't go or send a gift if she feels offended, which is a totally reasonable feeling.

[Anonymous]

I’d consider that a gift grab and not go or send a gift. F that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You absolutely do not go to the shower. That is a gift grab, and unless there is a good reason, quite insulting.

Gift grab. Decline with generic good wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on how well you know the person. I've been invited to showers for co-workers, book club members, tennis team members, etc but would never expect to be sent an invite to their actual wedding. This is not something to be personally offended about.

^Also gift grabs.

Those haven't felt like gift grabs to me because they've been entirely organized by members, not the bride or groom or parents-to-be. It's just "Larla is getting married. Anyone who wants can chip in on this gift and come to brunch at my house on Sunday."

Absolutely! My coworkers threw me a shower at the office. That's very different from what OP is describing.

[Anonymous]

Where is the wedding be held?

If it’s at a church, anyone can go to the ceremony…you just can’t go to the reception.

I’ve been invited to just the church ceremony before, and I happily attended.

[Anonymous]

OP, what is your relationship with this person?

[Anonymous]

I think it is in really bad form to invite someone to a bridal shower w/o actually inviting them also to the main event - - the wedding of course.

It screams “gift grab!”
I would be so turned off I wouldn’t attend the shower.

It’s like you are an okay enough friend for a bridal shower > but not for the actual wedding? 😒

[Anonymous]

I think it depends. If it’s all the women from your office or a church group or a hobby group, I don’t think it’s offensive. I’ve also seen it done with destination or hometown weddings and a shower in the city the bride is actually living has similarly aged/time of life friends (neighbors/colleagues/etc) who aren’t expected to schlep wherever for the actual ceremony. Not weird to me.