Why do kids have to put down other kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it because they are used to being put down?

I see this in sports, academics, dance, anything. Instead of encouraging and cheering, I often hear of kids putting others down.

Or their parents are always putting others down and/or judging others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it because they are used to being put down?

I see this in sports, academics, dance, anything. Instead of encouraging and cheering, I often hear of kids putting others down.

Or their parents are always putting others down and/or judging others.

I feel like some level of boasting/comparison is normal in kids, but you can tell the ones who aren't being checked on this at home. There was a kid at our elementary school who was very bright and good at sports but had the rudest attitude about other kids and I frequently heard her putting down kids by saying they "didn't work hard enough" or weren't "putting in the time." That's a weird way for an 8 or 9 year old to frame the fact that some kids are more successful for others, and I felt confident this was a message she was getting at home (from parents I knew to also be quite boastful and competitive). Thankfully we're no longer at the same school but I can only imagine that got worse with time.

[Anonymous]

It’s because they have older siblings that are constantly putting them down and they think it’s normal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it because they are used to being put down?

I see this in sports, academics, dance, anything. Instead of encouraging and cheering, I often hear of kids putting others down.

Or their parents are always putting others down and/or judging others.

I feel like some level of boasting/comparison is normal in kids, but you can tell the ones who aren't being checked on this at home. There was a kid at our elementary school who was very bright and good at sports but had the rudest attitude about other kids and I frequently heard her putting down kids by saying they "didn't work hard enough" or weren't "putting in the time." That's a weird way for an 8 or 9 year old to frame the fact that some kids are more successful for others, and I felt confident this was a message she was getting at home (from parents I knew to also be quite boastful and competitive). Thankfully we're no longer at the same school but I can only imagine that got worse with time.

+1. 7yo DD actually came home upset yesterday that her two supposed "best freinds" had criticized her at soccer, that she wasn't good or working hard enough. This was at a once a week after school club that is supposed to be non-competitive and fun. The two friends play on a team outside the school as well, I'm actually not sure why they are bothering with this after school club to begin with. They weren't in it until this spring and DD was having a lot more fun until they joined. But whenever we see one of the families the dad is constantly talking about his kids soccer skills, how they work to improve their "hustle", etc. so it's not surprising I guess. It sucks though.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s because comparing and criticizing people and things is a huge part of being a human. We’re constantly assessing, sorting, deciding our preference and learning to trust our taste and judgment. About people, but also about art, music, work products, paths through the forest and everything else.

The reasons we don’t do that to the people around us are 1) we prioritize supportive cooperation because we think it works better (thanks, Locke) and 2) we don’t want to hurt the feelings of our friends or other people we respect, or at least we don’t want to look bad for having done so.

Those are two different branches of growth imo. Some kids take to the second part quickly and easily and some don’t. Sometimes kids are reaching so hard for learning to be good at soccer or whatever that everything else falls of the boat. And some of them are just bigger aholes inside, so they have more to overcome.

Either way for us as parents, if our kids are on the receiving end of a put down the important part is what we do to help THEM, not the other kid. Getting comfortable with criticism. Learning to assess and discard comments that are coming from a dubious source. Getting secure in their own goals and progress. Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it because they are used to being put down?

I see this in sports, academics, dance, anything. Instead of encouraging and cheering, I often hear of kids putting others down.

Or their parents are always putting others down and/or judging others.

It’s this. Just look at the pearl clutching screen time thread as an example. Kids who are exposed to the constant judgements of their parents will most likely develop the same bad habit.

[Anonymous]

I share this view: because of crappy parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it because they are used to being put down?

I see this in sports, academics, dance, anything. Instead of encouraging and cheering, I often hear of kids putting others down.

Yes. A profound inferiority complex manifests in an a faux superiority complex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it because they are used to being put down?

I see this in sports, academics, dance, anything. Instead of encouraging and cheering, I often hear of kids putting others down.

Or their parents are always putting others down and/or judging others.

Yep - this and checked out parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s because comparing and criticizing people and things is a huge part of being a human. We’re constantly assessing, sorting, deciding our preference and learning to trust our taste and judgment. About people, but also about art, music, work products, paths through the forest and everything else.

The reasons we don’t do that to the people around us are 1) we prioritize supportive cooperation because we think it works better (thanks, Locke) and 2) we don’t want to hurt the feelings of our friends or other people we respect, or at least we don’t want to look bad for having done so.

Those are two different branches of growth imo. Some kids take to the second part quickly and easily and some don’t. Sometimes kids are reaching so hard for learning to be good at soccer or whatever that everything else falls of the boat. And some of them are just bigger aholes inside, so they have more to overcome.

Either way for us as parents, if our kids are on the receiving end of a put down the important part is what we do to help THEM, not the other kid. Getting comfortable with criticism. Learning to assess and discard comments that are coming from a dubious source. Getting secure in their own goals and progress. Etc.

It is a natural impulse but so is picking your nose in public. When 1st or 2nd graders are boastful and competitive, I write it off as a developmental stage.

When a middle schooler is like this, I blame the parents for failing to correct it, and likely reinforcing that it's okay by doing it themselves. Also when I hear parents say things like "oh he's just always been like this" and thinking there was nothing they can do. Of course there was something you can do. Does your 13 year old use a toilet, know how to ride a bike and read? Well then he could also learn some manners. Parents teach kids what they themselves value, some parents don't value manners or kindness.