Betrayal without confession

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

One day you'll realize that he can never give you what you want. He can never apologize enough, he cannot turn back time and confess, or turn back time and not have the affair. You may want to impose certain things upon him to compensate for the hurt, but remember it won't fill that void in you. So you might just as well not ask anything of him regarding explanations or apologies. Just stick to practical things. In the end, that's what's most important: money, including college expenses. You will need to find emotional healing elsewhere.

This is so incredibly true. I hoped for something more than the throwaway "oops, sorry" apologies I received and it never came. In reality, nothing can fix what he did. In my case, he did confess. He told me he was leaving me and listed off a million ways I had failed him as a wife. He left that day. It's been several years now and sometimes I still wake up and wonder WTF happened to my life. Decades of marriage down the tubes, like so many other gray divorces.

Most of my white hot anger has abated. What remains is a deep sadness that will probably never go away. I remind myself every day that it is better to be alone than with someone who doesn't respect me. I have my kids and I have friends and family, a job that is genuinely fulfilling, and the pride of knowing I got the emotional crap beaten out of me and I kept myself moving forward.

Peace and kindness to you, OP. It's a miserable process, but you'll come through this stronger than you thought you could ever be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

One day you'll realize that he can never give you what you want. He can never apologize enough, he cannot turn back time and confess, or turn back time and not have the affair. You may want to impose certain things upon him to compensate for the hurt, but remember it won't fill that void in you. So you might just as well not ask anything of him regarding explanations or apologies. Just stick to practical things. In the end, that's what's most important: money, including college expenses. You will need to find emotional healing elsewhere.

This is so incredibly true. I hoped for something more than the throwaway "oops, sorry" apologies I received and it never came. In reality, nothing can fix what he did. In my case, he did confess. He told me he was leaving me and listed off a million ways I had failed him as a wife. He left that day. It's been several years now and sometimes I still wake up and wonder WTF happened to my life. Decades of marriage down the tubes, like so many other gray divorces.

Most of my white hot anger has abated. What remains is a deep sadness that will probably never go away. I remind myself every day that it is better to be alone than with someone who doesn't respect me. I have my kids and I have friends and family, a job that is genuinely fulfilling, and the pride of knowing I got the emotional crap beaten out of me and I kept myself moving forward.

Peace and kindness to you, OP. It's a miserable process, but you'll come through this stronger than you thought you could ever be.

They will have several reasons to justify the affair unfortunately! In my case he did not leave but I couldnt stay with the knowledge that the relation is full of lies and deception. I know I will regret not staying and giving more chances than I did but it feels so wrong..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend went through something similar (gray divorce) for different reasons (verbal abuse which escalated to physical assault.) This was 10 years ago. She put a picture of herself from before she knew him and looked at it every day. This helped her remember who she really is without him and his abuse. It took about 5 years before she felt strong and secure in her identity and took the picture down. You've made a huge step to becoming your true self. Who you are is someone who knows her value and who won't settle.

It’s amazingly shocking to look at photos of when you were smiling and happy, versus what happens in a terrible or emotionally abusive marriage. Even my kids were shocked at photos in my 20s and 30s.

[Anonymous]

They also love to partially confess, they are selfish, cowardly liars. Confessions rarely give you what you want, just more questions. Sorry, but my WW really did a number on me and moving on has been my Mount Everest.

[Anonymous]

What is a “grey” divorce OP??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is a “grey” divorce OP??

Really? This is what you have to offer to a betrayed spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They also love to partially confess, they are selfish, cowardly liars. Confessions rarely give you what you want, just more questions. Sorry, but my WW really did a number on me and moving on has been my Mount Everest.

Were you able to move on? Do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t matter. Your evidence will come out in discovery.

[Anonymous]

My ex husband never confessed to the affair either. It made it a bit harder to re-orient my reality because I don’t know when it started, so I don’t know which memories were “real” vs his gaslighting. After awhile, that matters less and less.

Not sure what to tell you about delaying the divorce. I wish I could tell you that the kids will be fine, but one of mine wasn’t. He was old enough to realize what his dad did (he remembered his dad’s new girlfriend as his secretary, and quickly did the math). Even then I think it could have been okay if his dad had been able to own up to it, but my older son wants nothing to do with him now even 10 years later.

Those that tell you not to involve kids in adult relationships, and to make sure the kids never learn about the affair are dead wrong and absolutely dysfunctional. The kids always, always find out eventually. Sometimes sooner than later, sometimes years later. Only advice I can give you there is to make sure your kids know that no one is perfect, and that even good people make bad decisions sometimes.

Your kids are going to need to feel like they are allowed to have a relationship with him without hurting you, your job is to support that for THEM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It can take up to 2-5 years to recover from the pain of infidelity. It’s good you have found the strength to leave. You will do better once you’re no longer in the constant presence of your abuser. Get into therapy for yourself if you need to, and take good care of your physical and mental health. Make sure you’re getting a fair settlement. This might be a helpful resource:
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/

No one alleged abuse?

Infidelity is abuse, dum-dum.

Dumb post.
Infidelity is not abuse,

Yes it is, cheater.

DP, no it's not. It's terrible, but it is not abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t matter. Your evidence will come out in discovery.

The vast majority of divorces never go through discovery. In fact, it's so silly to pay all that money just to get divorced. Short of standing to lose millions, settle and be done. Stop making lawyers rich with your hard earned money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They also love to partially confess, they are selfish, cowardly liars. Confessions rarely give you what you want, just more questions. Sorry, but my WW really did a number on me and moving on has been my Mount Everest.

Were you able to move on? Do you have kids?

5 kids and not yet, 3 more years of suffering then I am going to see if love is still in the cards for me.