To siblings -Visit elderly parents on your own!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has been in your situation, you have to speak up to your siblings and don’t expect them to read your mind about what you need. Tell them point blank that you need time away from your Mom and that they need to visit her on their own without your presence and coordination. Don’t make it easy for them to shirk their own responsibilities to their mother.

You’re being rude and obtuse.

She already explained that she told her siblings she doesn’t want to plan outings with their mom. She is communicating very clearly and she is not expecting anyone to “read her mind.” Nice straw man btw.

[Anonymous]

OP - be sure to state clearly with no equivocation what you want from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm probably guilty of this. I'm simply not comfortable taking my mother out of her facility on my own the way my sibling is. She is a doctor and has a better understanding of my mother's limitations. I'm nervous about taking her to the restroom, etc. My compromise is that I only visit her in the facility, but do not take her anywhere anymore.

That's no excuse. My sibling, who is a doctor, was also nervous about taking my mother out. Guess what? The more you do it, the more comfortable you get. What a cop out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm probably guilty of this. I'm simply not comfortable taking my mother out of her facility on my own the way my sibling is. She is a doctor and has a better understanding of my mother's limitations. I'm nervous about taking her to the restroom, etc. My compromise is that I only visit her in the facility, but do not take her anywhere anymore.

You can't be serious. None of the people who help your mother with her toileting in that facility are MDs. Some of them do not have high school degrees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm probably guilty of this. I'm simply not comfortable taking my mother out of her facility on my own the way my sibling is. She is a doctor and has a better understanding of my mother's limitations. I'm nervous about taking her to the restroom, etc. My compromise is that I only visit her in the facility, but do not take her anywhere anymore.

That's no excuse. My sibling, who is a doctor, was also nervous about taking my mother out. Guess what? The more you do it, the more comfortable you get. What a cop out.

Pay for one session with an OT who can teach you what you specifically need to do for your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the only sibling living nearby our mother so unfortunately I am responsible for many tedious tasks such as doctor visit, paying bills, doing taxes, getting called by the facility if she falls or she needs something like more toothpaste. It is never ending.

She is now in memory care after being in assisted living. Every time my two siblings visit they expect me to join them taking our mother out to eat or expect me to host a birthday gathering or a family meal. I see her enough and have no desire to see her more than I do. I want a couple days off from being called. I don’t want to get up early on a Sunday and get her ready for brunch.

My siblings are now upset I no longer will join in any gathering with them if it involves my mom. What I need from them is to come take her to the dentist or eye doctor but they are never willing to do that.

I don’t understand how they fail to realize I need a break.

FWIW, I am the sibling that lives further away, and I do the taxes, pay the bills, and order them whatever random thing they need and have it shipped to their house or to their nursing home.

Tell you siblings very specifically what you are handing over to them. "I need you to take over all online bill pay. Here are the accounts." "Here is the phone number and email for the accountant that does their taxes. You will handle 2026."

[Anonymous]

Jesus, OP, I can’t believe you have to explain this to your siblings. Can’t they understand how burdened you are and how much you need a complete break whenever possible?? And why can’t they deal with her taxes and her bills?? Those are EASILY done remotely.

They need to step up more and let you step back more.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. My siblings are like the person who posted early that they don't feel comfortable taking a parent out of the facility.

Of course it is easier for them for me to go get her or if I say no at least they are only bringing her to my house which is a couple of miles away.

Then the guilt trip starts about how our mother loves to have all her kids together and it is so much better meeting up as a family. Then they want to call extended family members my mom might enjoy seeing (although she will not remember seeing them within five minutes of leaving).

Also the problem with doing everything remotely is that often someone has to track down all the paperwork, such as getting the paper the IRS sent with a PIN number in order to pay taxes.

I reached a point last month I am flat out not falling for that anymore and am never willing to host in my house again or go with them to a restaurant.

So my post was out of frustration with the situation. My mom has sucked out so much out of my life and now has ruined my sibling relationships. Obviously she didn't plan to get dementia, but it just sucks all around.

[Anonymous]

Op, tell them to get carryout and visit them at the facility. I was the primary too but at some point it did get too hard and we stopped and brought food there and just sat with her. Encourage them to do it their own way.

[Anonymous]

I understand, but does your mom know who you are? If so, I can't imagine not doing a birthday celebration with all her kids. I'd love to see my kids all at one time, though I understand saying no to gatherings every time they visit.

A birthday, however, is different. Can't you ask sibling to bring a cake, and show up to eat it and take a family picture, and leave after 45 minutes, while they keep visiting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand, but does your mom know who you are? If so, I can't imagine not doing a birthday celebration with all her kids. I'd love to see my kids all at one time, though I understand saying no to gatherings every time they visit.

A birthday, however, is different. Can't you ask sibling to bring a cake, and show up to eat it and take a family picture, and leave after 45 minutes, while they keep visiting?

DP. As the primary with my mom, my siblings pretty much don't have a relationship with our mom at this point. They don't live in the same city, have jobs and kids and life and our mom can't really talk on the phone well anymore. So if I am not facilitating the relationship there would be none. And now when they come to town they want me to guide the whole thing. They do not want one on one time with her because they don't have a relationship with her where you just pick up and start talking. I have facilitated for years. But I am tired and our mom only takes more and more out of me as she gets older. And yes, I am exhausted, burned out, and resentful.

I feel for you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand, but does your mom know who you are? If so, I can't imagine not doing a birthday celebration with all her kids. I'd love to see my kids all at one time, though I understand saying no to gatherings every time they visit.

A birthday, however, is different. Can't you ask sibling to bring a cake, and show up to eat it and take a family picture, and leave after 45 minutes, while they keep visiting?

DP. As the primary with my mom, my siblings pretty much don't have a relationship with our mom at this point. They don't live in the same city, have jobs and kids and life and our mom can't really talk on the phone well anymore. So if I am not facilitating the relationship there would be none. And now when they come to town they want me to guide the whole thing. They do not want one on one time with her because they don't have a relationship with her where you just pick up and start talking. I have facilitated for years. But I am tired and our mom only takes more and more out of me as she gets older. And yes, I am exhausted, burned out, and resentful.

I feel for you, OP.

Thank you for posting this. I am OP and it sounds so callous to people who don't understand. It just is comforting to know I am not alone feeling exhausted and resentful. It is like having constant background noise that lingers. A sibling mentioned something about a funeral because another relative recently passed away. I asked "what crazy world do you live in where you think I am organizing or going to her funeral?" She has no friends left.

[Anonymous]

You could always text a link of this thread to your siblings.

And to the poster that doesn’t want to take her mom to the bathroom, that is completely obnoxious. I have a child with intellectual disability that will always be in diapers. She is 16 and over 5 feet tall. You know who can figure out how to take her to the bathroom — her younger sister, my, my husband, all her caregivers (who are not even college educated) and my 70 year old aunt and uncle. My husband has to navigate taking her to the men’s room if no family restroom is available. This isn’t rocket science. You should call your sibling today and apologize for being so obtuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks! I get plenty of time with Mom week to week, and your visiting her gives me a welcome break. But I'd love to meet you later for coffee, just the two of us."

This is good.

[Anonymous]

A lot of us are in your shoes OP. I do almost everything. My sibling visits a couple of times a year and last time I asked if they could visit our parent both days of their one night visit, so I could get an extra day off knowing parent had a visitor and it didn’t have to be me. Somehow that was too much and the response was that our visits weren’t linked.

The good news is that my sibling has done enough other stuff to ruin our relationship that this is just icing on the cake. (Sarcasm)