Time for a come to Jesus conversation with DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD 16 isn’t having the best month or two. Her grades are not fantastic, she didn’t get the summer job she wanted, there’s some friendship drama, general stress about life, etc. But it’s gotten worse the past few days. She’s said that she “doesn’t care about anything” and that she “hates existing”. Throughout this whole rough patch I’ve been trying to talk it all out, mostly with encouragement or briefish convos. But I think maybe it’s time for something more intense. Like a big, long, intense, come-to-Jesus CONVERSATION that probably ends with me trying to find her a therapist. is this a good idea? Leaning toward yes

How about you start by having her pick 1,2,3 biggest troubles and with on solving them or working around them? And finding something something non competitive but productive she can do to feel worthwhile?

[Anonymous]

Teens speak dramatically, especially girls. Encourage her to find a different job, and join community theater for the summer to meet some new people. Play her the oldie song “mama said there’d be days like this.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teens speak dramatically, especially girls. Encourage her to find a different job, and join community theater for the summer to meet some new people. Play her the oldie song “mama said there’d be days like this.”

OP here. Appreciate this! My DD is really not a theater person though lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m probably the minority, but I hate the idea of taking teens to therapy unless there is an actual mental health illness diagnosed by a psychiatrist and the therapist is part of the treatment plan made by her doctor. Otherwise, no. Teens need to learn to be resilient and how to problem solve.

This sounds like is could be normal teen drama. I’d have the come to Jesus talk with the focus on grades. All the other stuff doesn’t matter. But her grades are going to be her ticket to the future she wants. She is closing doors and losing opportunities if she checks out of school- you need to a light a fire under her about that.

If you suspect she is clinically depressed (which she might be, no one here can say), take her to a psychiatrist for an evaluation. Start with her pediatrician if you don’t know where to start.

That's what a good therapist does -- teach teens (and others) how to problem solve and be resilient. You don't learn those skills merely by trying harder.

OP here. This is what I’ve been thinking. Thank you for this comment, I feel more confident in my course of action now.

[Anonymous]

I think for a parent it's really important to distinguish between fairly normal teenage angst and the need for intervention and therapy. 16 year olds are figuring out their identity. And it's often a mess and challenging. They have a lot to deal with - socially, academically, physically. It's totally normal to be exasperated and lash out in frustration and say regrettable things.

Very often it really is just a stage. But when you put them in therapy - with the best of intentions, of course - it makes them think something is wrong with them. And that can sometimes lead to a spiral. They're bad. They're messed up. They're different. They're the messed up kid that needs mood altering drugs and shrinks. And that leads to further depression.

There's no easy do this or do that. But I'd try to redirect her to anything positive. Maybe it's a good trip. Maybe a good hike. Maybe time with a good grandparent. Maybe volunteering at an animal rescue. Something positive that removes her from her phone and engages with the real world. Positive energy begets positive energy most of the time.

We were all teenagers once. Go back to that moment and think of what was useful when you were 16.

[Anonymous]

We all get overlooked for jobs. It is a part of life.

Can you drive her around so she can apply for other jobs (you stay in the car of course.)

Can you talk with her about other summer jobs she would like to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teens speak dramatically, especially girls. Encourage her to find a different job, and join community theater for the summer to meet some new people. Play her the oldie song “mama said there’d be days like this.”

OP here. Appreciate this! My DD is really not a theater person though lol.

It doesn't matter. The point is to get her around different people. She can do makeup, music, scenery, costumes, lighting, etc. There's so much to theatre besides acting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teens speak dramatically, especially girls. Encourage her to find a different job, and join community theater for the summer to meet some new people. Play her the oldie song “mama said there’d be days like this.”

OP here. Appreciate this! My DD is really not a theater person though lol.

It doesn't matter. The point is to get her around different people. She can do makeup, music, scenery, costumes, lighting, etc. There's so much to theatre besides acting.

NP but…why are you pushing this community theater thing so hard lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teens speak dramatically, especially girls. Encourage her to find a different job, and join community theater for the summer to meet some new people. Play her the oldie song “mama said there’d be days like this.”

OP here. Appreciate this! My DD is really not a theater person though lol.

It doesn't matter. The point is to get her around different people. She can do makeup, music, scenery, costumes, lighting, etc. There's so much to theatre besides acting.

NP but…why are you pushing this community theater thing so hard lol

DP There is another thread with a girl upset about not being accepted into a summer theater program. Maybe that PP was confused initially.

[Anonymous]

If she said I hate you I wish you were dead would you take her literally?

[Anonymous]

Explain how a CTJ conversation goes in a mental health context?

[Anonymous]

Why the hostility to therapy?

Talking helps. And talking to a non judgmental person with no stake and perspective is crucial.

As an adult, I have good friends who are skilled liked a therapist. But kids only have other kids who similarly know nothing or their parents.

Therapy is good.

[Anonymous]

You and her other parent should have a convo w her.

Suggest therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD 16 isn’t having the best month or two. Her grades are not fantastic, she didn’t get the summer job she wanted, there’s some friendship drama, general stress about life, etc. But it’s gotten worse the past few days. She’s said that she “doesn’t care about anything” and that she “hates existing”. Throughout this whole rough patch I’ve been trying to talk it all out, mostly with encouragement or briefish convos. But I think maybe it’s time for something more intense. Like a big, long, intense, come-to-Jesus CONVERSATION that probably ends with me trying to find her a therapist. is this a good idea? Leaning toward yes

Unless you think she's a danger to herself, I'd be cautious here. I'd be (and have been) pissed when my mother confronted me with this kind of stuff. Life is hard. We all go through rough patches. I don't know what your conversations have been like, but being supportive without being judgmental helps. As does modeling how you deal with hard times in your life. If you can get there, ask her what types of things help her feel better, and what can she do to incorporate that into her life to make it through this difficult phase. By asking, you empower her to see she can make some difference with her choices.

But some sort of confrontational forced conversation? That always made me shut down. It has made my son shut down. Both of use emerged later -- either the hell we were in resolved itself or we learned what we could do to make things better. And when your kid feels empowered to make change, she will find her contentment more successfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why the hostility to therapy?

Talking helps. And talking to a non judgmental person with no stake and perspective is crucial.

As an adult, I have good friends who are skilled liked a therapist. But kids only have other kids who similarly know nothing or their parents.

Therapy is good.

A therapist isn’t any better than a trusted relative or a good friend. A random stranger would probably be equally good as a therapist