DS pushing me away

[Anonymous]

You are way over the top!

Back off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, for what it's worth, my once distant and grumpy boy - now age 22 and home for spring break - gave me a long hug last night. Your DS will likely come back to you, but you have to give him space to grow up.

This. ADHD DS treated me like shyte for the last two years of high school. I was consistently polite with him and tried to stay emotionally regulated. Sometimes I drew boundaries like, "hey, I know you're angry, but it's not OK to do X because Y and I give you the courtesy of not doing X to you. I may be your mom and forgive you a lot of things because you are still learning, but no human deserves that kind of treatment. You can do A, B, C if you're made but not X, and if you need help restraining yourself from X, then let's talk about how together or with the therapist." OFC, you can't say all that at once because when they're overwhelmed by emotion, they can only hear short, simply statements.

FWIW, I don't think my DS said I love you or hugged me or allowed me to touch him for 2 years. During that time, I was heartbroken, but respected his physical boundaries, stayed emotionally regulated, and communicated that I loved him verbally and in other ways. I nearly cried when he finally said I love you back and gave me hugs again. We have a strong relationship.

I think his behavior was less about me and more about a normal developmental need to separate, coupled with raging hormones that sometimes meant he didn't understand how his behavior as a newly 6'3" 190 lb. guy was scarier than the boy he felt he was, and the intense pressure of HS socially and academically, which is oddly diminished in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is hard. These stages and changes are difficult. Please go easy on your self and begin the self care process.

What matters more than all the grades in the world is your relationship. You're doing what you're doing because you care, but actually your kid isn't going to be able to see it that way.

Don't take any of the "teenage behavior" personally. Even though it seems deeply personal, your kid is doing and saying things that have become the norm developmentally. So be sure to forgive and forget, get an EF coach that your kid can rely on to do skill building and find ways to provide support that is hands off and behind the scenes.

What truly matters is that your son understands that you care what happens to him. He won't always have such big emotions and you won't always feel underappreciated. Once the pressure cooker of high school ends, your kid will need to have muscle memory of surviving mistakes and being proud of his abilities just as they are.

I think it's a great idea to get your own therapist if you're open to it. If not, get a book club, girls monthly night out, support group, gym pass, or whatever will help you through this most difficult of phases. Remember it's just a phase, and spend time mulling over the fond memories you have of spending time together, which helps make your way through when your kid is just doing and saying things that are hard for you to see/hear.

Second all of this. My DS was in a major depressive episode when he started rejecting me like this and it was very painful and scary. He finally agreed to an intensive outpatient program and part of the program was family counseling, which helped me to understand that the rejection is developmentally appropriate and not to take it personally, among many other valuable lessons.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the adhd is more than just inattentiveness… swearing can be the dopamine rush they look for in a response to it.