DS pushing me away

[Anonymous]

16. ADHD - inattentive.

I do my best not to micromanage and hover. But: He loses planners and notebooks. Forgets about tests and homework. Leaves his instrument and PE uniform at home. Goes to therapy but is now "bored" with it. I've been looking for an EF coach, which I am hoping will help. And I am trying to get him to try meds, but his friends have him convinced that's "doing drugs."

Normal routine is: school - hang out around school w/friends, maybe grab a snack nearby - walk home - grab another snack - review planner - homework.

But now: He gets angry when I ask about homework. Doesn't want breakfast or lunch made for him -- that's fine. Independence is good! But he's just so forceful about it. Trying to not let it get under my skin -- we talk about how being rude (swearing at me, sighing loudly when I speak, rolling eyes, walking away) is hurtful.

I can only take so much. Last week after dropping him at school, I broke down and cried - two days in a row. And today I cried after he rushed out the door to walk. I'm apparently not allowed to give him a goodbye hug anymore. Maybe I just need to accept things for now, keep him in therapy, and do some self care (what?!) for myself. I'm overwhelmed after years of this.

Suggestions? How do you get through to your kid in times like this? I'm hoping it is a phase; it just feels so big right now.

[Anonymous]

OP again. The reason I stay on him about homework is that when he gets anything below an A, he beats himself up emotionally. It is really hard to witness. It has improved a bit with therapy, but I feel helpless right now because everything seems to be an explosion.

[Anonymous]

I do think you need to check out a little bit. You need a thicker skin and changed expectations. Sit down with pencil and paper and figure out your priorities. Then, only ask him about the priority things.

The hug expectation isn't age-appropriate and you should join us other teen boy moms in mourning the lack of hugs but ultimately accepting it.

Experience is the best teacher. Some kids need to feel the floor, as they say. Focus on getting the EF coach set up. Then that person can help your son academically and it won't be so emotionally fraught.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think you need to check out a little bit. You need a thicker skin and changed expectations. Sit down with pencil and paper and figure out your priorities. Then, only ask him about the priority things.

The hug expectation isn't age-appropriate and you should join us other teen boy moms in mourning the lack of hugs but ultimately accepting it.

Experience is the best teacher. Some kids need to feel the floor, as they say. Focus on getting the EF coach set up. Then that person can help your son academically and it won't be so emotionally fraught.

OP here. Thank you. This is helpful.

[Anonymous]

I would consider whether band and PE can be taken pass/fail. And ask him seriously if he'd rather have a study hall than do band. Then go through his classes (just you without him) and figure out what teachers are the most forgiving about late work, repeating tests, etc. Figure out some easy breakfasts that he can just grab, maybe you make ahead or just buy.

You really, really need to figure out what matters and what doesn't. He's pushing back because he's overwhelmed and you're throwing so many requests at him, and he's grappling with having to accept that his brain is different and he needs to try harder.

Your relationship with your son is more important than his grades. It is okay if he goes to summer school, and it is okay if he needs a 5th year of high school or gets some bad grades or goes to a lesser college. You need to take a deep breath and accept him exactly as he is-- a young man who like everyone has strengths and weaknesses, good times and struggle times. Accepting and picking your battles will get the best outcome in the long run.

[Anonymous]

You need a therapist yourself. You have to let this go. My daughter didn’t speak to me this morning on the drive to school, because I would not let her wear a particular pair of shorts to school (and I let what she wears slide 98% of the time). I came home and laughed about it with my husband.

Stop asking him about breakfast. Let go of sighs and eye rolls — but the cursing at you would be punishable for me. My kid has ADHD and also wants straight As. I ask her if she would like my help after school. If she says no, I move on. If she wants my help and then acts like a jerk, she is on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether band and PE can be taken pass/fail. And ask him seriously if he'd rather have a study hall than do band. Then go through his classes (just you without him) and figure out what teachers are the most forgiving about late work, repeating tests, etc. Figure out some easy breakfasts that he can just grab, maybe you make ahead or just buy.

You really, really need to figure out what matters and what doesn't. He's pushing back because he's overwhelmed and you're throwing so many requests at him, and he's grappling with having to accept that his brain is different and he needs to try harder.

Your relationship with your son is more important than his grades. It is okay if he goes to summer school, and it is okay if he needs a 5th year of high school or gets some bad grades or goes to a lesser college. You need to take a deep breath and accept him exactly as he is-- a young man who like everyone has strengths and weaknesses, good times and struggle times. Accepting and picking your battles will get the best outcome in the long run.

Thank you for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a therapist yourself. You have to let this go. My daughter didn’t speak to me this morning on the drive to school, because I would not let her wear a particular pair of shorts to school (and I let what she wears slide 98% of the time). I came home and laughed about it with my husband.

Stop asking him about breakfast. Let go of sighs and eye rolls — but the cursing at you would be punishable for me. My kid has ADHD and also wants straight As. I ask her if she would like my help after school. If she says no, I move on. If she wants my help and then acts like a jerk, she is on her own.

I should find a way to laugh about it - its just beens such a huge change lately. Someday, I'm sure, I'll laugh.

I'd get a therapist for myself if all my money weren't going to others' needs. But: more exercise and talking to my fiends would probably help some.

[Anonymous]

Agree that he's creating space from you with his behavior. That's good. It's developmentally normal and preferable to having a kid who stays too attached in a younger way. But it sucks when they are mean. I roll with some low level rudeness (like taking a tone or snapping at me) because I know there were times I did that to them as an exasperated parent. We're all human. I stare at babies/toddlers in stores and feel sad and wistful. Then I go on with my day.

You say he's "bored" in therapy. His therapist definitely shouldn't work with you all as a family, but I wonder if your DS could collaborate with the therapist in coming up with some guidelines for you handing over more independence (and some tips for your DS on how to ask for it). Do you ever check in with the therapist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. The reason I stay on him about homework is that when he gets anything below an A, he beats himself up emotionally. It is really hard to witness. It has improved a bit with therapy, but I feel helpless right now because everything seems to be an explosion.

Keep up on the schoolwork. Some of it is just the age.

[Anonymous]

You cannot take the ADHD emotional deregulation personally. You just can't. Also, he's a teenager so the eye-rolling and resistance is typical even for neurotypical kids. That said, you don't have to condone it. Does he have any consequences for rude behavior? He can be annoyed or whatever, but that doesn't give him a pass to act however he wants.

Also, he might be more open to the medication discussion coming from a doctor rather than you. Maybe medication won't be the right choice for him but anything you say is going to be met with immediate rejection, so maybe he needs to have that discussion with a doctor.

[Anonymous]

Ok, I’m the same poster who suggested getting your own therapist.I have a very similar kid.

FWIW — yesterday morning, she was “not speaking to me.” She did answer direct questions, but that was it. By the afternoon, she had texted me she needed a lot of help with homework, so “we were going to put a pause on it” and she would not speak to me again in the morning. Honestly, I thought this was hilarious (although she does not know that). So, we interacted totally normally last night. And I will see how it goes in 30 minutes when she gets up. Sometimes, you just need to let them get through their nonsense. I’m not taking any of this personally.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is hard. These stages and changes are difficult. Please go easy on your self and begin the self care process.

What matters more than all the grades in the world is your relationship. You're doing what you're doing because you care, but actually your kid isn't going to be able to see it that way.

Don't take any of the "teenage behavior" personally. Even though it seems deeply personal, your kid is doing and saying things that have become the norm developmentally. So be sure to forgive and forget, get an EF coach that your kid can rely on to do skill building and find ways to provide support that is hands off and behind the scenes.

What truly matters is that your son understands that you care what happens to him. He won't always have such big emotions and you won't always feel underappreciated. Once the pressure cooker of high school ends, your kid will need to have muscle memory of surviving mistakes and being proud of his abilities just as they are.

I think it's a great idea to get your own therapist if you're open to it. If not, get a book club, girls monthly night out, support group, gym pass, or whatever will help you through this most difficult of phases. Remember it's just a phase, and spend time mulling over the fond memories you have of spending time together, which helps make your way through when your kid is just doing and saying things that are hard for you to see/hear.

[Anonymous]

OP, for what it's worth, my once distant and grumpy boy - now age 22 and home for spring break - gave me a long hug last night. Your DS will likely come back to you, but you have to give him space to grow up.

[Anonymous]

My allegedly NT boy (junior) has been grumpy, rude, and eye-rolly with me for about 4 months.

It got worse recently because his grades dropped AND he has decided he no longer wants to apply to the "best of all options" flagship his big brother attends. He'd need more As to make that happen. He's making me the bad guy for asking him to try harder to keep options open. He's also had some disappointments with his main extracurricular.

I just want to reinforce the idea that this seems like a normal teen boy phase to me.

Grumpiness also can align with body growth phases. I saw that several times. Watch for more sleepiness. (That can also be tied to late night screen time.)