SAHM experiences?

[Anonymous]

One of our kids had special needs and my wife dropped out of the working world at age 40. Two decades later, the kid is doing OK in life and my wife is back to full time work.

We're a product of our upbringing and both shrugged and put our shoulders to the wheel when life didn't go the way we had planned when we were young. Money is one thing to think about; we gave up a lot, were on Medicaid years and don't ask about our retirement savings.

Becoming a SAHM to a special needs kid took over my wife's public identity. That's what happens when you're an adult and your new SAH status is linked to your kid's health. Many people will be very judgy about her situation and every decision will be under the social microscope. For her, she ended up shrinking her circle to smaller number of people who were supportive.

It was the right decision but hard. I suggest she talk to some other parents who have been through something similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like DW if very overwhelmed right now. She can't quit her family, so the logical thing to do is quit the job. Not sure how old or sever DC is.

My question would be did she used to love her job? Did it fulfill her? If the answer is yes...then I do not think it would be good to quit.

Not to pile on, but maybe have a "divide and conquer" conversation. If she is doing most of the heavy lifting, it makes sense she is unsatisfied.

Kids are hard. Kids with special needs are exponentially harder. Everyone needs an outlet, and honestly mine is my job.

This! OP, really consider why is your wife so overwhelmed. Are you doing a fair share, reliably and without slacking or demanding accolades? Because there is nothing like an unreliable "partner" to stress a person out. If your follow-through is poor then she has to track everything and catch the balls you drop.

Are you resisting her on SN stuff? Dismissing her efforts, belittling things as unnecessary, not on the same page about how to parent, avoiding SN tasks, basically making her feel like she has to SN-parent alone and also manage around you as an obstacle?

Maybe she needs a different job. Or is there an obvious turning point like Kindergarten when she would return to work?

[Anonymous]

I stepped out of the paid labor force when my second child was born, when our not-yet-diagnosed autistic child was 4. It was great until the youngest was 4 and went to school, and then I quickly became bored and depressed. I eventually went back to work a few years after that, but prioritized a flexible job that allowed for the very frequent doctors and therapy appointments that my autistic child has. Working from home was crucial to our child care plan, because my autistic child can't deal with aftercare (and my non autistic child wouldn't love it either).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think one of the pitfalls is the mom becomes more and more immersed in SN parenting and starts basically doing it solo and the dad checks out more and more because he doesn't understand all the therapies and terms and such and doesn't really want to be an expert on it anyway. So you kind of grow apart.

Financially how is this if your child may need support in adulthood?

I posted above about being home for several years and then returning to a flexible job. This has definitely been an issue for us. I know more about autism and have stronger relationships with our providers, so all the decision making falls on me. It's definitely a source of resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think one of the pitfalls is the mom becomes more and more immersed in SN parenting and starts basically doing it solo and the dad checks out more and more because he doesn't understand all the therapies and terms and such and doesn't really want to be an expert on it anyway. So you kind of grow apart.

Financially how is this if your child may need support in adulthood?

I posted above about being home for several years and then returning to a flexible job. This has definitely been an issue for us. I know more about autism and have stronger relationships with our providers, so all the decision making falls on me. It's definitely a source of resentment.

Or the dad checks out of the information flow and stops researching, but still wants to have decisionmaking power anyway, based on his gut instincts and general vibes. Also annoying. The nice thing about both working is it can force the dad to carry more of the SN load so he doesn't wander away from it. Because once he's out of it, he'll be very defensive about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there's not a reason this is in the kids with special needs forum, I would ask Jeff to move it to relationships or off topic

I’m OP. Guess I should have explained. I am concerned that my wife will discover that it is more stressful than she expected but not feel at liberty to say so. We have a son with autism who is awesome but can be challenging in many respects.

I would encourage her to try another job first and be ok with slightly lower pay for less stress or a better commute. Being with a challenging child 24/7 is really hard, and it can be hard to get back into the workforce later. I was never a Sahm but had some weekends when I couldn't wait to go to work because no one would be having hours-long tantrums. Also, the economy is getting worse for white collar employees (assuming you are one) and I wouldn't feel comfortable with one income because of the possibility of job loss. But every one is different.

I would suggest DH do this to pick up the slack instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think one of the pitfalls is the mom becomes more and more immersed in SN parenting and starts basically doing it solo and the dad checks out more and more because he doesn't understand all the therapies and terms and such and doesn't really want to be an expert on it anyway. So you kind of grow apart.

Financially how is this if your child may need support in adulthood?

I posted above about being home for several years and then returning to a flexible job. This has definitely been an issue for us. I know more about autism and have stronger relationships with our providers, so all the decision making falls on me. It's definitely a source of resentment.

Or the dad checks out of the information flow and stops researching, but still wants to have decisionmaking power anyway, based on his gut instincts and general vibes. Also annoying. The nice thing about both working is it can force the dad to carry more of the SN load so he doesn't wander away from it. Because once he's out of it, he'll be very defensive about that.

Not just annoying, but toxic AF and present in about 99% of men.

[Anonymous]

I took time off work to focus on home for my teen who was struggling. It became very isolating and I grew resentful. I recently started work again and learning life/work balance and am much happier. I really felt like I was losing myself.

[Anonymous]

I was DOGE’d last year so became a SAHM involuntarily. It’s been a mixed bag. Extra time to devote to my kids and help them excel in the things that matter to them. I volunteer a lot more at their school and understand things about how to navigate that world that went over my head before when I was too busy. But it often is not good for me to have too much time to worry about my ADHD kid who struggles socially. And I also have ADHD, so all of this unstructured time I have now is generally not great for me and I don’t accomplish what I need to. I also feel bored and boring like my mind is not being put to good use.

AND, this may be particularly relevant to you, OP but I am often waaaay too chatty with my husband when he gets home from a long day at work and I’ve not had enough adult conversation for the day. He’s been talking to people all day and would like a break but im just getting started. It would have driven me nuts if I were in his shoes and he’s far more patient than I probably would be in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think one of the pitfalls is the mom becomes more and more immersed in SN parenting and starts basically doing it solo and the dad checks out more and more because he doesn't understand all the therapies and terms and such and doesn't really want to be an expert on it anyway. So you kind of grow apart.

Financially how is this if your child may need support in adulthood?

I posted above about being home for several years and then returning to a flexible job. This has definitely been an issue for us. I know more about autism and have stronger relationships with our providers, so all the decision making falls on me. It's definitely a source of resentment.

Or the dad checks out of the information flow and stops researching, but still wants to have decisionmaking power anyway, based on his gut instincts and general vibes. Also annoying. The nice thing about both working is it can force the dad to carry more of the SN load so he doesn't wander away from it. Because once he's out of it, he'll be very defensive about that.

This is a negative look at it. When I worked I did not have a flexible job and my husband did not have flexibility. My income did not support a nanny. No regrets or resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there's not a reason this is in the kids with special needs forum, I would ask Jeff to move it to relationships or off topic

I’m OP. Guess I should have explained. I am concerned that my wife will discover that it is more stressful than she expected but not feel at liberty to say so. We have a son with autism who is awesome but can be challenging in many respects.

I would encourage her to try another job first and be ok with slightly lower pay for less stress or a better commute. Being with a challenging child 24/7 is really hard, and it can be hard to get back into the workforce later. I was never a Sahm but had some weekends when I couldn't wait to go to work because no one would be having hours-long tantrums. Also, the economy is getting worse for white collar employees (assuming you are one) and I wouldn't feel comfortable with one income because of the possibility of job loss. But every one is different.

I would suggest DH do this to pick up the slack instead.

Most people don’t have that kind of flexibility.

[Anonymous]

I had two kids with medical conditions/special needs. I was home with them for years, and I have no regrets. I have no idea how we (I) would have balanced all the doctor's appointments, illnesses, therapy appointments, dietary restrictions, etc, etc, etc.

Plus they both needed extra management not just typical for kids. I don't know who could have managed that. Not a typical nanny/daycare.

It was definitely the right choice. I was so busy, I didn't have time to be bored. This was 100 my decision, spouse was supportive either way. Spouse also has a very intense job and it is high paying enough so I could stay home.

As the kids got older, I threw myself into volunteer work and then eventually went back to work in a flexible job once they hit middle school.

No regrets at all. In addition to being able to manage everything such that they are thriving now, I am so grateful for the time with them.

Keep in mind, it's not all or nothing. I know so many women (well mostly women, a few men) who went back and forth. Some of my friends were working moms when I was a SAHM, but now it's the opposite. Most of my SAHM cohort went back to work, not all fulltime, when kids got older.

[Anonymous]

^^Im in this boat. I worked full time while my kids were young, then the appointments became too much and my burnout was real. I quit and now work very part time. There’s no one way.

OP make sure this is what she wants, not just what you want. If the latter, resentment will be real as your career grows etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think one of the pitfalls is the mom becomes more and more immersed in SN parenting and starts basically doing it solo and the dad checks out more and more because he doesn't understand all the therapies and terms and such and doesn't really want to be an expert on it anyway. So you kind of grow apart.

Financially how is this if your child may need support in adulthood?

This has happened to us because DH doesn’t want to do the work about learning about our SN kid, unpacking his own triggers, and not triggering the kid constantly. It’s freaking awful.

This x1000.

I have been trying to get back into the workforce for almost 3 years now and it is SO HARD because of everything people are saying here. I am still needed at home as much as ever, but finances have changed, the world has changed, my kid is improving but will still always need extra supports and extra time... All that still exists but because I essentially gave up my career to care for family and home, I am somehow 'less than' in the eyes of those around me. Even my kid, which is incredibly sad for me.

SAH parenting can be great. But ONLY if the parents are true equals. A SAH parent is not the maid, cook, caretaker, etc. Yes it can truly benefit the SN kid in so many wonderful ways, but it can - in the long run - be insufferable and make marriages fall apart and kill the SAH parents self esteem.

Anyway. Lots of things need to be in place for it to work well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think one of the pitfalls is the mom becomes more and more immersed in SN parenting and starts basically doing it solo and the dad checks out more and more because he doesn't understand all the therapies and terms and such and doesn't really want to be an expert on it anyway. So you kind of grow apart.

Financially how is this if your child may need support in adulthood?

I posted above about being home for several years and then returning to a flexible job. This has definitely been an issue for us. I know more about autism and have stronger relationships with our providers, so all the decision making falls on me. It's definitely a source of resentment.

Or the dad checks out of the information flow and stops researching, but still wants to have decisionmaking power anyway, based on his gut instincts and general vibes. Also annoying. The nice thing about both working is it can force the dad to carry more of the SN load so he doesn't wander away from it. Because once he's out of it, he'll be very defensive about that.

Not just annoying, but toxic AF and present in about 99% of men.

the dad checks out of the information flow and stops researching, but still wants to have decisionmaking power anyway, based on his gut instincts and general vibes.

Going through this right now. DH thinks he can just force things to bend to his will. Doesn't understand disabilities or how they're treated with specialists. Thinks he can just "fix it." Sure - talk louder, repeat yourself 5000 times...idiot. So many arguments over this and I have to intervene constantly. I chose to SAH years ago and now have no money for divorce or supporting myself. If I did, we'd be there by now.