SAHM experiences?

[Anonymous]

My wife is deeply unsatisfied with her work and has periodically floated the notion of being a SAHM. My sense though is that she’s somewhat ambivalent. Any stories of people taking the plunge and whether they are glad they did, regret it, or wish they knew more at the time?

[Anonymous]

If there's not a reason this is in the kids with special needs forum, I would ask Jeff to move it to relationships or off topic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If there's not a reason this is in the kids with special needs forum, I would ask Jeff to move it to relationships or off topic

I’m OP. Guess I should have explained. I am concerned that my wife will discover that it is more stressful than she expected but not feel at liberty to say so. We have a son with autism who is awesome but can be challenging in many respects.

[Anonymous]

I think what women regret in the long run is being married to a man who says they’re partners yet she’s still trying to perform at work, but she stalls because she’s still doing 80% of the mental, physical, and emotional work of keeping the home and raising kids. I would first take a look at if you have sacrificed anything at all in your career for your family. If not, start there, let her spread her wings. If you have stepped back and slowed down and you indeed want to achieve more and she indeed hates her entire career (not just job), then maybe consider it. But midlife is a time of deep dissatisfaction for women. She may think it’s the job now, but she’ll soon realize she was sold a false bill of goods. Just some food for thought.

[Anonymous]

I think the main down side is the DH tends to get lazy and put more and more household admin, and his own personal admin, on the wife. It happens gradually but it's common. It creates a lot of resentment because these tasks are so boring and thean quickly becomes entitled and takes it for granted. And then it's hard for everyone when she goes back to work.

If she gets stressed she can probably hire a regular sitter or find a SN preschool, so I wouldn't worry about that.

[Anonymous]

I think one of the pitfalls is the mom becomes more and more immersed in SN parenting and starts basically doing it solo and the dad checks out more and more because he doesn't understand all the therapies and terms and such and doesn't really want to be an expert on it anyway. So you kind of grow apart.

Financially how is this if your child may need support in adulthood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the main down side is the DH tends to get lazy and put more and more household admin, and his own personal admin, on the wife. It happens gradually but it's common. It creates a lot of resentment because these tasks are so boring and thean quickly becomes entitled and takes it for granted. And then it's hard for everyone when she goes back to work.

If she gets stressed she can probably hire a regular sitter or find a SN preschool, so I wouldn't worry about that.

SHE can, huh? Are they not a family? What is this? Isn’t it THEY who can find a sitter? WTH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think one of the pitfalls is the mom becomes more and more immersed in SN parenting and starts basically doing it solo and the dad checks out more and more because he doesn't understand all the therapies and terms and such and doesn't really want to be an expert on it anyway. So you kind of grow apart.

Financially how is this if your child may need support in adulthood?

This has happened to us because DH doesn’t want to do the work about learning about our SN kid, unpacking his own triggers, and not triggering the kid constantly. It’s freaking awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the main down side is the DH tends to get lazy and put more and more household admin, and his own personal admin, on the wife. It happens gradually but it's common. It creates a lot of resentment because these tasks are so boring and thean quickly becomes entitled and takes it for granted. And then it's hard for everyone when she goes back to work.

If she gets stressed she can probably hire a regular sitter or find a SN preschool, so I wouldn't worry about that.

SHE can, huh? Are they not a family? What is this? Isn’t it THEY who can find a sitter? WTH

Well that's the point, right? This is the kind of tension that comes up.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like DW if very overwhelmed right now. She can't quit her family, so the logical thing to do is quit the job. Not sure how old or sever DC is.

My question would be did she used to love her job? Did it fulfill her? If the answer is yes...then I do not think it would be good to quit.

Not to pile on, but maybe have a "divide and conquer" conversation. If she is doing most of the heavy lifting, it makes sense she is unsatisfied.

Kids are hard. Kids with special needs are exponentially harder. Everyone needs an outlet, and honestly mine is my job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like DW if very overwhelmed right now. She can't quit her family, so the logical thing to do is quit the job. Not sure how old or sever DC is.

My question would be did she used to love her job? Did it fulfill her? If the answer is yes...then I do not think it would be good to quit.

Not to pile on, but maybe have a "divide and conquer" conversation. If she is doing most of the heavy lifting, it makes sense she is unsatisfied.

Kids are hard. Kids with special needs are exponentially harder. Everyone needs an outlet, and honestly mine is my job.

This. OP needs to really think about it. Giving up an income is no small thing if you're going to need to pay for SN stuff and maybe support an adult long-term.

[Anonymous]

I have a great supportive husband who suggested it. It was a rough transition as I did not plan or consider it but now I’m really glad I did and no regrets.

Either hire help or maybe she can work part time if she doesn’t want to be a full sahp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there's not a reason this is in the kids with special needs forum, I would ask Jeff to move it to relationships or off topic

I’m OP. Guess I should have explained. I am concerned that my wife will discover that it is more stressful than she expected but not feel at liberty to say so. We have a son with autism who is awesome but can be challenging in many respects.

Be prepared to help or take over when you get home and give her a break or hire some help. It’s very different but she’ll adjust.

[Anonymous]

Is this to SAHM full time for a child who doesn't go to school? Or for a school age child? Totally different experiences if you have all day quietly at home alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there's not a reason this is in the kids with special needs forum, I would ask Jeff to move it to relationships or off topic

I’m OP. Guess I should have explained. I am concerned that my wife will discover that it is more stressful than she expected but not feel at liberty to say so. We have a son with autism who is awesome but can be challenging in many respects.

I would encourage her to try another job first and be ok with slightly lower pay for less stress or a better commute. Being with a challenging child 24/7 is really hard, and it can be hard to get back into the workforce later. I was never a Sahm but had some weekends when I couldn't wait to go to work because no one would be having hours-long tantrums. Also, the economy is getting worse for white collar employees (assuming you are one) and I wouldn't feel comfortable with one income because of the possibility of job loss. But every one is different.