My child really upset about not getting into “Big 3” School

[Anonymous]

This happens to all of us - think how many adults glamorize the job they didn’t get, or the person who wouldn’t date them, or the clothes that would fit if they lost 10 lbs. We all fixate on what we might be missing out on. Help your daughter separate her actual concerns vs, the sting of rejection and the fear of missed opportunity. Talk through how one side is the emotional reaction, which she will feel many times in life. And that once you push through that, you start to realize all the opportunities you still have, and you make the best of them. Remind her that most successful and interesting people have experienced setbacks and it has strengthened them and made them better able to lead other people through challenges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve taken care to not discuss “Big 3” schools or anything of that nature around DD 14 as she applies to high schools. However, I guess she heard about it from friends or something, because it’s looking like she will not be going to a “Big 3” school next year but her friends mostly are. They are always rejoicing about their academic prospects, while she feels hers are nonexistent and she’ll never get into college. This is so heartbreaking to me. How do I comfort my child and show her that a Big 3 school is not everything?

I have a graduate and current upper schooler at a Big3. The only kids getting into an Ivy or similar unhooked from our school are top10% kids. It's really not a good option for most kids if they're concerned about college admits. These kids are working their a$$ off, 3-4 hours a night for 4 years, turning in college-level literary analyses ever month to end up at with a few Bs and any chance of Ivies or similar over. Meanwhile, kids at DCPS are doing a fraction of the work, getting As for completion in many classes and ending up with Ivy choices. I know as I had graduates from both.

Life is not over if you don't make it into a Big3. In fact unless you have a really outlier kid it's probably not a good choice.

[Anonymous]

I would focus on the options she does have. It sounds like you have acknowledged she is upset. That is good. If she brings it up, deflect and change the convo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve taken care to not discuss “Big 3” schools or anything of that nature around DD 14 as she applies to high schools. However, I guess she heard about it from friends or something, because it’s looking like she will not be going to a “Big 3” school next year but her friends mostly are. They are always rejoicing about their academic prospects, while she feels hers are nonexistent and she’ll never get into college. This is so heartbreaking to me. How do I comfort my child and show her that a Big 3 school is not everything?

Big jump from not getting into big 3 to not getting into colleges. Plenty of students get into great colleges from non big 3 private and public high schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would focus on the options she does have. It sounds like you have acknowledged she is upset. That is good. If she brings it up, deflect and change the convo.

+1

It’s good to acknowledge the disappointment but model that it’s not a tragedy and help her get excited about where she will be going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve taken care to not discuss “Big 3” schools or anything of that nature around DD 14 as she applies to high schools. However, I guess she heard about it from friends or something, because it’s looking like she will not be going to a “Big 3” school next year but her friends mostly are. They are always rejoicing about their academic prospects, while she feels hers are nonexistent and she’ll never get into college. This is so heartbreaking to me. How do I comfort my child and show her that a Big 3 school is not everything?

Show her pictures of children in Gaza. Talk to her about the 100+ girls killed while at school in Iran.

[Anonymous]

What's your public school?

If college is the concern, and she is genuinely a top student, full-pay kids at schools like Churchill and Whitman and Wootton can do VERY well because a lot of the best and brightest go to magnets, so shiny kids can really really shine. Academics and extracurriculars are top notch for bright, motivated, (and I'll be honest, typical) kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve taken care to not discuss “Big 3” schools or anything of that nature around DD 14 as she applies to high schools. However, I guess she heard about it from friends or something, because it’s looking like she will not be going to a “Big 3” school next year but her friends mostly are. They are always rejoicing about their academic prospects, while she feels hers are nonexistent and she’ll never get into college. This is so heartbreaking to me. How do I comfort my child and show her that a Big 3 school is not everything?

This country is broken when a kid who can't get in a Big 3 think life is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve taken care to not discuss “Big 3” schools or anything of that nature around DD 14 as she applies to high schools. However, I guess she heard about it from friends or something, because it’s looking like she will not be going to a “Big 3” school next year but her friends mostly are. They are always rejoicing about their academic prospects, while she feels hers are nonexistent and she’ll never get into college. This is so heartbreaking to me. How do I comfort my child and show her that a Big 3 school is not everything?

Show her pictures of children in Gaza. Talk to her about the 100+ girls killed while at school in Iran.

Should she show pictures and video from October 7th too or nah?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what you get for sending your kid to a snobby private school OP. Guess what? Kids in public school get into college too.

If that’s how you feel about private school families, why are you in this forum?

You do realize these threads show up in "Recent Topics," which is how most people navigate this site, right?

[Anonymous]

It's good to learn with failure and disappointment at this age. It builds resilience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve taken care to not discuss “Big 3” schools or anything of that nature around DD 14 as she applies to high schools. However, I guess she heard about it from friends or something, because it’s looking like she will not be going to a “Big 3” school next year but her friends mostly are. They are always rejoicing about their academic prospects, while she feels hers are nonexistent and she’ll never get into college. This is so heartbreaking to me. How do I comfort my child and show her that a Big 3 school is not everything?

I have a graduate and current upper schooler at a Big3. The only kids getting into an Ivy or similar unhooked from our school are top10% kids. It's really not a good option for most kids if they're concerned about college admits. These kids are working their a$$ off, 3-4 hours a night for 4 years, turning in college-level literary analyses ever month to end up at with a few Bs and any chance of Ivies or similar over. Meanwhile, kids at DCPS are doing a fraction of the work, getting As for completion in many classes and ending up with Ivy choices. I know as I had graduates from both.

Life is not over if you don't make it into a Big3. In fact unless you have a really outlier kid it's probably not a good choice.

+one million...i wish more people would realize this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve taken care to not discuss “Big 3” schools or anything of that nature around DD 14 as she applies to high schools. However, I guess she heard about it from friends or something, because it’s looking like she will not be going to a “Big 3” school next year but her friends mostly are. They are always rejoicing about their academic prospects, while she feels hers are nonexistent and she’ll never get into college. This is so heartbreaking to me. How do I comfort my child and show her that a Big 3 school is not everything?

Show her pictures of children in Gaza. Talk to her about the 100+ girls killed while at school in Iran.

Ah, the fallacy of relative privation.

[Anonymous]

I suggest talking to a college counselor and see if they will let you pay for an hourly meeting.
The reality is that it is really challenging to get into a top college from a "big 3" school because you are in direct competition with your peers. The best saying I've heard from an admissions officer is that "it's not about what you've done, it's about what you've done with what you've had." In a competitive environment, it's challenging just to be an average kid. In a less competitive school, it's actually easier to take full advantage of all the resources and advanced classes to stand out from peers. A well informed college counselor can explain this and help your daughter understand how to approach building her profile starting as a Freshman. Her feelings are valid but her understanding is misinformed. I'd get a professional in front of her and talk about some action steps that get her closer to her goals related to college. There is a lot of misinformation about college admissions, and a lot of it comes from friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve taken care to not discuss “Big 3” schools or anything of that nature around DD 14 as she applies to high schools. However, I guess she heard about it from friends or something, because it’s looking like she will not be going to a “Big 3” school next year but her friends mostly are. They are always rejoicing about their academic prospects, while she feels hers are nonexistent and she’ll never get into college. This is so heartbreaking to me. How do I comfort my child and show her that a Big 3 school is not everything?

You tell her what I told my daughter - it’s much better for your college prospects to be at the very top of your class and it’s easier at a less competitive school. My DD went to a good but not quite big 3 (she was waitlisted and never got in). Now she is probably going to be valedictorian. It’s unlikely she would have been at big 3. That and her PSAT scores were very high - we haven’t gotten her SATs back yet.