Anxious & mild depression - take seriously or not?

[Anonymous]

My read is that the kid laments her "fat body" and OP focuses on losing weight, which reinforces her feeling that she is, in fact, fat and ugly. And OP restricts carbs, won't let her bake, and frames eating a bagel after school as "sneaking." I think that's totally the wrong approach, especially for a kid entering puberty. Find some non-sport activities that she's interested in. Art is great. My 12yo loved tap dance. Go hiking as a family and get some fresh air. If she likes baking, have her make healthier snacks, and have her help plan and cook meals that she likes. Cutting down on screen time is good, but otherwise, you need to reframe your approach here.

[Anonymous]

The other thing I'd add that I don't see here, OP, is that you should take steps to build in lots, lots more positive interactions with your kid that are deeply rooted in empathy.

She is having a really, really hard time - she needs you to be a safe place and to hear from you that you are sorry she is struggling, that things can and will get better, and that you will help her navigate that path.

What you are describing is not mild anxiety and depression - it's a kid in the throes of hormones and puberty who is miserable. She does not want to feel like that. It's your job to help her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other thing I'd add that I don't see here, OP, is that you should take steps to build in lots, lots more positive interactions with your kid that are deeply rooted in empathy.

She is having a really, really hard time - she needs you to be a safe place and to hear from you that you are sorry she is struggling, that things can and will get better, and that you will help her navigate that path.

What you are describing is not mild anxiety and depression - it's a kid in the throes of hormones and puberty who is miserable. She does not want to feel like that. It's your job to help her.

+100

I honestly think the Gentle Parents of toddlers and preschoolers are in general doing their kids a disservice. That's not how kids under 5 learn! It's incredibly inefficient and ineffective! Just put them in a time out and move on. You don't need endless emotional conversations and support for a three year old kid who whines or hits.

But the principles of Gentle Parenting are INCREDIBLY valuable for tweens and teens. You need to find ways to connect to your kid.

[Anonymous]

Put her in time out and move on?

I bet the husband on the spectrum is already doing that with all of them. Ignore them and move on back to personal stuff.

[Anonymous]

Talk to her pediatrician for advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My read is that the kid laments her "fat body" and OP focuses on losing weight, which reinforces her feeling that she is, in fact, fat and ugly. And OP restricts carbs, won't let her bake, and frames eating a bagel after school as "sneaking." I think that's totally the wrong approach, especially for a kid entering puberty. Find some non-sport activities that she's interested in. Art is great. My 12yo loved tap dance. Go hiking as a family and get some fresh air. If she likes baking, have her make healthier snacks, and have her help plan and cook meals that she likes. Cutting down on screen time is good, but otherwise, you need to reframe your approach here.

Lol, tell us you never parented a neuroatypical kid without telling us you never parented a neurotypical kid.

Op, get the testing updated on her and get professional help with the Dx and Rx.
Right now you are sandwiched between a husband and tween with the same symptoms. Find a support group as well.

[Anonymous]

I would try a reset and a positive attitude a I it everything going on and see if that reframes things. Do not let her hear or overhear you criticizing anything. The school, coach, friend, test.

[Anonymous]

With the elimination of carbs/sweets from the house, the shame you’ve associated with eating, and the fact that she sneaks “bad” foods when she can… she’s at high risk for developing bulimia. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My read is that the kid laments her "fat body" and OP focuses on losing weight, which reinforces her feeling that she is, in fact, fat and ugly. And OP restricts carbs, won't let her bake, and frames eating a bagel after school as "sneaking." I think that's totally the wrong approach, especially for a kid entering puberty. Find some non-sport activities that she's interested in. Art is great. My 12yo loved tap dance. Go hiking as a family and get some fresh air. If she likes baking, have her make healthier snacks, and have her help plan and cook meals that she likes. Cutting down on screen time is good, but otherwise, you need to reframe your approach here.

Lol, tell us you never parented a neuroatypical kid without telling us you never parented a neurotypical kid.

Op, get the testing updated on her and get professional help with the Dx and Rx.
Right now you are sandwiched between a husband and tween with the same symptoms. Find a support group as well.

DP. Oh, please. None of the bolded is contraindicated by “mild ADHD.”

[Anonymous]

Is she on ADHD medication?

If not that’s my first stop. Inattentive type adhd tends to be moody and depressed and it’s usually due to low dopamine. Low motivation, slow on uptake, poor social follow through. Often low dose meds work really really well for this. Once she’s more capable of motivation you can work on building better habits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she on ADHD medication?

If not that’s my first stop. Inattentive type adhd tends to be moody and depressed and it’s usually due to low dopamine. Low motivation, slow on uptake, poor social follow through. Often low dose meds work really really well for this. Once she’s more capable of motivation you can work on building better habits.

NP physically also take away screens. Untreated adhd or asd cannot bounce back from that if they turn on the tv or iPad or chat group after school or after dinner to get back to focusing on studies or training.

[Anonymous]

* I meant take them away and out of sight. Not just in quiet mode or at a charging station.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With the elimination of carbs/sweets from the house, the shame you’ve associated with eating, and the fact that she sneaks “bad” foods when she can… she’s at high risk for developing bulimia. Ask me how I know.

Not really, unless they read about it online as a “solution.” Here it isnt about image as much as no self control.

Many adhd or asd kids overeat or impulse eat addictive foods like sweets or junk food if they’re in the house.
Glp-1 for adults is literally for untreated ADHD food noise or diabetes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With the elimination of carbs/sweets from the house, the shame you’ve associated with eating, and the fact that she sneaks “bad” foods when she can… she’s at high risk for developing bulimia. Ask me how I know.

Not really, unless they read about it online as a “solution.” Here it isnt about image as much as no self control.

Many adhd or asd kids overeat or impulse eat addictive foods like sweets or junk food if they’re in the house.
Glp-1 for adults is literally for untreated ADHD food noise or diabetes.

Wha are you talking about? OP says her DD “hates her fat body.” Feeling out of control in a household where mom is deeply controlling and critical around body/eating issues is fertile ground for an eating disorder, whether ADHD is present or not.

[Anonymous]

We went through something similar although with a boy and it was exacerbated by the pandemic. Now 17yo and still prone to more ups and downs than his sibling but in a great space.

You've gotten some great advice here but I want to footstomp the suggestion keep your own focus OFF the weight and food. Banning bread in the house is kind of insane. Having dealt with a kid in the midst of very mild and short-term eating disorder, I can't emphasize enough how excruciating it is. We were incredibly lucky that our kid managed to pull himself out of that but it can spiral quickly quickly and get dangerous.

Your DD needs friends and activities; that can be harder than it sounds but ultimately the only way through is to keep trying and keep her busy. Sports, classes, camps, hiking, daytrips, shopping, crafting, reading, music, try everything/anything. Minimize screens for sure but we still have shows we binge as a family or go to movies together.

Good luck OP, you're a good parent for getting out ahead of this.