Anxious & mild depression - take seriously or not?

[Anonymous]

How do you know it’s not the “typical” tween pushback or Debbie downer stuff and a real mental issue?

Our tall and slightly overweight 6th grader chooses to wallow around on her Chromebook or Apple Watch or nothing after school and on weekends, way too much. Her basketball schedule - in which her conditioning has fallen off a cliff- isn’t daily. Her public school is mildly engaging. Her friends are all half a foot shorter than her and do other sports or activities or have local extended family to keep busy.

This year there’s been lots of crying, impulse eating, saying she hates her life, hates her fat body, etc. She has mild adhd from a 4th grade test- that, Asd and impulse eating run with my husband and his side of family. She gets another test in June. The dislikes that too and lashes out. I’m basically a single parent, husband just works and hides away from everyone and everything, or makes things worse.

What are next steps? We go over nutrition, being active, drive her to the ymca, are cutting out carbs and sweets from the entire house. She says No to returning to swimming or trying rowing. She quit soccer and since then got quite out of cardio shape due to overeating and lack of activity.

[Anonymous]

If this isn't a troll, no wonder this kid is anxious and depressed!

[Anonymous]

Obviously there’s a real issue. I’m wondering if you and she would define the issue the same way. She seems unhappy and you add focusing on sports. Sports and exercise are importsnr but is that the source of the unhappiness? She’s only slightly overweight but talking about a “fat body.” What else is going on with her? Any bullying? Any counseling?
It’s good she has friends.

[Anonymous]

WOW.

[Anonymous]

Has she gone through puberty? Have you taken her for a checkup to make sure blood work is ok (no anemia, not serious Vitamin D deficiency)? Is there another activity she’d like to do? Is she depressed because her dad is checked out? Are you serving food at home that’s conducive to energy and not just easy simple carbs? Have you looked into a therapy consult for her? If not, why not?

[Anonymous]

I would take it seriously, but I don't think that means mental health treatment at this time.

What it means is - fun family activities - what does she like that you'd do with her on the weekends? Board games, hikes, going to events (professional basketball? Go see high school games?), going out to eat at a restaurant (turn food into a fun special thing rather than a source of stress). Cooking, gardening, building something, fun hairstyling?

Major screen time limits. Let her be bored without the laptop or watch. See what happens.

Are there other hobbies you can help her deepen? Art, music, other sports, whatever. Be creative.

Encouraging socializing? Would she like to have friends over more often? Volunteer to go pick them up. Is there something they're doing that she would want to join? Opportunities to expand her social circle?

Overfocusing on her eating and lectures are NOT the answer her. Helping her find real joy in life is. The eating is a symptom of her unhappiness. Focus on helping her find joy and happiness, not the food or weight.

And take a look, critically, at yourself. Do you have and nurture hobbies? Do you socialize and have friends? Are you active, not in the form of exercise designed to keep your weight/tone, but fun, active hobbies that move and use your body? Do you spend too much time on a screen? Be the change. Lead by example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would take it seriously, but I don't think that means mental health treatment at this time.

What it means is - fun family activities - what does she like that you'd do with her on the weekends? Board games, hikes, going to events (professional basketball? Go see high school games?), going out to eat at a restaurant (turn food into a fun special thing rather than a source of stress). Cooking, gardening, building something, fun hairstyling?

Major screen time limits. Let her be bored without the laptop or watch. See what happens.

Are there other hobbies you can help her deepen? Art, music, other sports, whatever. Be creative.

Encouraging socializing? Would she like to have friends over more often? Volunteer to go pick them up. Is there something they're doing that she would want to join? Opportunities to expand her social circle?

Overfocusing on her eating and lectures are NOT the answer her. Helping her find real joy in life is. The eating is a symptom of her unhappiness. Focus on helping her find joy and happiness, not the food or weight.

And take a look, critically, at yourself. Do you have and nurture hobbies? Do you socialize and have friends? Are you active, not in the form of exercise designed to keep your weight/tone, but fun, active hobbies that move and use your body? Do you spend too much time on a screen? Be the change. Lead by example.

PP to clarify - if a strong effort on these things wasn't working in 6-12 months, yes, I would be looking into a therapist. Or if it got worse. I'm not anti-therapy, I just don't think you're there yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has she gone through puberty? Have you taken her for a checkup to make sure blood work is ok (no anemia, not serious Vitamin D deficiency)? Is there another activity she’d like to do? Is she depressed because her dad is checked out? Are you serving food at home that’s conducive to energy and not just easy simple carbs? Have you looked into a therapy consult for her? If not, why not?

OP here.
Yes she’s gone through most of puberty, 5’6”, 150# today. She wasn’t happy to hear that at annual appt last month.

She has not has bloodwork done. She looks tall and strong, but gets winded quickly.

She eats meats/fish and rice/bread, potatoes, but limited palate of fruits or veg. She will sneak candy, granola bars (if we have them), bagels and croissants immediately upon return from school. She likes to bake but will eat all the muffins herself in 2 days. So now we don’t bake nor have most breads in the house.

Surfing the web is no good for anyone. So now that’s limited.

She’d like to do more art.

She doesn’t have close friends to do things with outside of school. We moved 3 years ago but she was having various refusal issues since grade 2 (refuse to do math or homework, refuse to eat fruit, refuse to go to practice).

Yes father figure or role model and marriage model is lacking. He also stonewalls, avoids and temper tantrums if there’s a concern to address.

I work full time. Other kid is fine, no such issues—- which becomes an issue with the older one, who bullies the 10 yo.

[Anonymous]

We tried therapy for her a few years ago but she wouldn’t open up.

Her perceptions of things or people trying to help her or in new things to do are very negative. I assume she has very negative ongoing self talk.

[Anonymous]

There are so many issues here. You need a full neuropsych and then medication for what is diagnosed. You need parent coaching because your approach sounds terrible. Focus on her mental health, not her weight.

That said, binge eating is totally normal for ADHD. Once you get a full evaluation, see how meds may help this as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are so many issues here. You need a full neuropsych and then medication for what is diagnosed. You need parent coaching because your approach sounds terrible. Focus on her mental health, not her weight.

That said, binge eating is totally normal for ADHD. Once you get a full evaluation, see how meds may help this as well.

What approach? Letting the kid do whatever she wants? Which is nothing.
Need to break the cycle of doing nothing.

Not sure OP needs to quit her job to play Cruise Director to her middle schooler, but ADD types need a lot more structure and less decision making than their age suggests.

[Anonymous]

Get her into an art class ASAP. Post here or in the classes forum for recs. Present her with options and let her choose, if possible, so she has buy-in. If there are other activities she’d like, get her involved in those.

Get a checkup with full blood work. Tell her doctor what’s going on and what your concerns are. See if you can move up the June test to sooner.

Do you and your DH fight or otherwise is it clear your marriage is unhappy? That can affect some kids. I’m not saying this to blame you. I’ve been in that boat and have discovered that parents don’t always realize the toll that can take on the kids.



Good job getting all bready items out of the house. Scale back on potatoes. Would your daughter be interested in cooking dinner once a week or helping you make dinner?

[Anonymous]

I mean she sounds really bored and your family doesn't sound engaging or fun. I do think people get depressed when they become too wrapped up in themselves.

[Anonymous]

No smart phone until high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has she gone through puberty? Have you taken her for a checkup to make sure blood work is ok (no anemia, not serious Vitamin D deficiency)? Is there another activity she’d like to do? Is she depressed because her dad is checked out? Are you serving food at home that’s conducive to energy and not just easy simple carbs? Have you looked into a therapy consult for her? If not, why not?

OP here.
Yes she’s gone through most of puberty, 5’6”, 150# today. She wasn’t happy to hear that at annual appt last month.

She has not has bloodwork done. She looks tall and strong, but gets winded quickly.

She eats meats/fish and rice/bread, potatoes, but limited palate of fruits or veg. She will sneak candy, granola bars (if we have them), bagels and croissants immediately upon return from school. She likes to bake but will eat all the muffins herself in 2 days. So now we don’t bake nor have most breads in the house.

Surfing the web is no good for anyone. So now that’s limited.

She’d like to do more art.

She doesn’t have close friends to do things with outside of school. We moved 3 years ago but she was having various refusal issues since grade 2 (refuse to do math or homework, refuse to eat fruit, refuse to go to practice).

Yes father figure or role model and marriage model is lacking. He also stonewalls, avoids and temper tantrums if there’s a concern to address.

I work full time. Other kid is fine, no such issues—- which becomes an issue with the older one, who bullies the 10 yo.

I'm the 10:59 poster - the bolded is absolutely where I'd start.

At least one art class of her choosing. Maybe two. And try to encourage socializing in the class - if she mentioned someone seemed nice, say something like "if she wanted to come over after art class so you guys can practice more, that'd be great!" If she's bad at taking suggestions, maybe make it a practical concern "hey, see if there's anyone at the class who lives nearby, it'd be great to carpool." - carpool friends become real friends.

And at least for now DROP THE ROPE on the conversations about food. Limit what's in the house, serve healthy things, sure, but not one more word about food until she has friends and is having fun. You're doing this in the wrong order with the focus on food!