Telling people with dementia that dead people will visit them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom told my demented father that his mother was dead when he was anxious and looking for her. She died over 50 years ago. She had to watch him re-experience his mother’s death all over again. This isn’t any better. Sometimes there is no good option.

They haven’t tried other options. Staff is giving a very specific therapeutic lie and it isn’t working. As others have suggested, something that is more vague should be tried. It’s a red flag that staff didn’t figure this out immediately and try it.

Yes, I do not agree that I am "micromanaging" as others have said.

Because of the upset nature of the patient, the nurses were testing the living parent for a UTI and want to change medications and add a visit to a psychiatrist. However, the staff themselves is at least partly causing this problem by telling my parent that their dead spouse will show up.

Yes, I know that dementia is the main problem. I get it. But why add more confusion to a confused person's day?

I suggested they ask the staff to say one of the adult kids will show up because we are ALIVE and DO show up. But a dead person can't show up at all. Ever.

Before this the living parent never asked about the dead parent...But with the staff reminding them they "have" a spouse, the living parent was getting all upset. What is the point beyond getting the patient upset?

Presumably because it worked for other patients they know. Duh. It's not that deep, OP. They don't care that much, and they do not overthink these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom told my demented father that his mother was dead when he was anxious and looking for her. She died over 50 years ago. She had to watch him re-experience his mother’s death all over again. This isn’t any better. Sometimes there is no good option.

They haven’t tried other options. Staff is giving a very specific therapeutic lie and it isn’t working. As others have suggested, something that is more vague should be tried. It’s a red flag that staff didn’t figure this out immediately and try it.

Yes, I do not agree that I am "micromanaging" as others have said.

Because of the upset nature of the patient, the nurses were testing the living parent for a UTI and want to change medications and add a visit to a psychiatrist. However, the staff themselves is at least partly causing this problem by telling my parent that their dead spouse will show up.

Yes, I know that dementia is the main problem. I get it. But why add more confusion to a confused person's day?

I suggested they ask the staff to say one of the adult kids will show up because we are ALIVE and DO show up. But a dead person can't show up at all. Ever.

Before this the living parent never asked about the dead parent...But with the staff reminding them they "have" a spouse, the living parent was getting all upset. What is the point beyond getting the patient upset?

Presumably because it worked for other patients they know. Duh. It's not that deep, OP. They don't care that much, and they do not overthink these things.

You seem very comfortable displaying contempt for underpaid employees doing a hard job as best they can, which includes trying something that surely works on a lot of other residents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom told my demented father that his mother was dead when he was anxious and looking for her. She died over 50 years ago. She had to watch him re-experience his mother’s death all over again. This isn’t any better. Sometimes there is no good option.

They haven’t tried other options. Staff is giving a very specific therapeutic lie and it isn’t working. As others have suggested, something that is more vague should be tried. It’s a red flag that staff didn’t figure this out immediately and try it.

Yes, I do not agree that I am "micromanaging" as others have said.

Because of the upset nature of the patient, the nurses were testing the living parent for a UTI and want to change medications and add a visit to a psychiatrist. However, the staff themselves is at least partly causing this problem by telling my parent that their dead spouse will show up.

Yes, I know that dementia is the main problem. I get it. But why add more confusion to a confused person's day?

I suggested they ask the staff to say one of the adult kids will show up because we are ALIVE and DO show up. But a dead person can't show up at all. Ever.

Before this the living parent never asked about the dead parent...But with the staff reminding them they "have" a spouse, the living parent was getting all upset. What is the point beyond getting the patient upset?

I would be pro on the uti test and ask for one regularly, those silent UTIs really ratchet up delirium. I would also see what they are suggesting for medication changes and hopefully the Psychiatrist is Alz aware. The staff is definitely making things worse, and I would address it as a training issue. If you get push back about whether staff was not doing the right thing, or are brushed off with some kind of “you just have to accept this with dementia,” I would look into a move. When our family members go into facilities our caretaking roles shift. You aren’t running around as much but your eyes and your advocacy have to stay very active.

[Anonymous]

There was a good article in The Atlantic about this: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2023/03/dementia-caregiver-imposter-delusion-paranoia/673308/?utm_source=chatgpt.com

I wonder if maybe you are misunderstanding what occurred at the nursing home. My mother has dementia and her brother died when i was in high school but for some reason she has forgotten this and constantly asks when he is coming to visit. Rather than telling her ten times a day that her brother is dead, which would be sad since she cries every time and it's as though she is just finding that out, you kind of say "I think maybe he's delayed. He's on his way." Eventually she forgets that she was expecting him and goes back to what she was doing. The article explains it better than i can, about how sometimes you work within their delusions, rather than always trying to get them to see reality, which they aren't going to remember anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worked in elder care for years and my spouse has for decades. I have never heard of this happening.

+1. My dad had dementia for two. Years. This us not normal care and should not be happening

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom told my demented father that his mother was dead when he was anxious and looking for her. She died over 50 years ago. She had to watch him re-experience his mother’s death all over again. This isn’t any better. Sometimes there is no good option.

They haven’t tried other options. Staff is giving a very specific therapeutic lie and it isn’t working. As others have suggested, something that is more vague should be tried. It’s a red flag that staff didn’t figure this out immediately and try it.

Yes, I do not agree that I am "micromanaging" as others have said.

Because of the upset nature of the patient, the nurses were testing the living parent for a UTI and want to change medications and add a visit to a psychiatrist. However, the staff themselves is at least partly causing this problem by telling my parent that their dead spouse will show up.

Yes, I know that dementia is the main problem. I get it. But why add more confusion to a confused person's day?

I suggested they ask the staff to say one of the adult kids will show up because we are ALIVE and DO show up. But a dead person can't show up at all. Ever.

Before this the living parent never asked about the dead parent...But with the staff reminding them they "have" a spouse, the living parent was getting all upset. What is the point beyond getting the patient upset?

Presumably because it worked for other patients they know. Duh. It's not that deep, OP. They don't care that much, and they do not overthink these things.

You seem very comfortable displaying contempt for underpaid employees doing a hard job as best they can, which includes trying something that surely works on a lot of other residents.

I am an underpaid employee working with kids (different poster).
While I try to do my job as best I can, it’s above my pay grade to make sure kids do their best on a test for example. There are accommodations and there is a script. I am not paid to go above and beyond. I can, occasionally, if I feel like it. I imagine it’s the same with these employees. They are tired of misbehaving seniors and they haven’t got all day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom told my demented father that his mother was dead when he was anxious and looking for her. She died over 50 years ago. She had to watch him re-experience his mother’s death all over again. This isn’t any better. Sometimes there is no good option.

They haven’t tried other options. Staff is giving a very specific therapeutic lie and it isn’t working. As others have suggested, something that is more vague should be tried. It’s a red flag that staff didn’t figure this out immediately and try it.

+1

I am going to look at a new place next week.

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was a good article in The Atlantic about this: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2023/03/dementia-caregiver-imposter-delusion-paranoia/673308/?utm_source=chatgpt.com

I wonder if maybe you are misunderstanding what occurred at the nursing home. My mother has dementia and her brother died when i was in high school but for some reason she has forgotten this and constantly asks when he is coming to visit. Rather than telling her ten times a day that her brother is dead, which would be sad since she cries every time and it's as though she is just finding that out, you kind of say "I think maybe he's delayed. He's on his way." Eventually she forgets that she was expecting him and goes back to what she was doing. The article explains it better than i can, about how sometimes you work within their delusions, rather than always trying to get them to see reality, which they aren't going to remember anyway.

Thank you. I understand the ideas as I have been dealing with people’s dementia/alz since 2017.

The above example does not apply.

Parent thought they were locked in their room. Staff said, “Your spouse will come tomorrow at 7 am.” Parent then wondered where spouse was and wanted to get “home” to find them and see them.

Parent was not forgetting that staff told them spouse would appear and then became worried.

For 12-14k / month, I expect more than this.

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom told my demented father that his mother was dead when he was anxious and looking for her. She died over 50 years ago. She had to watch him re-experience his mother’s death all over again. This isn’t any better. Sometimes there is no good option.

They haven’t tried other options. Staff is giving a very specific therapeutic lie and it isn’t working. As others have suggested, something that is more vague should be tried. It’s a red flag that staff didn’t figure this out immediately and try it.

+1

I am going to look at a new place next week.

OP

I’m glad to hear that. I thought of you when I saw this, it’s what sensitive educated dementia care looks like.


https://www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/s/zEcJNMB2cn

[Anonymous]

I used to work in a memory care and was out of the unit accompanying a strong and able-bodied resident to an activity. She suddenly became agitated when a group of people entered the building and headed for the front door, saying she had to get home…I could not physically restrain her, and it was nerve-wrecking. In desperation to keep her safe I told her that her daughter was waiting for her in the dining room and she did an about-face and came with me. I spoke gently and calmly with her as we walked together, and by the time we got back to the locked unit she had forgotten the whole thing.

Sometimes you have to use different tools, based on what works for individual residents; obviously it has to be done in a compassionate, caring and respectful manner. It’s definitely not one-size-fits all.

[Anonymous]

^^Meant - she became agitated when a large group of people entered the building, and she started racing toward the front door/exit. Sorry, typing quickly

[Anonymous]

My dad constantly talked about meeting my brother/his son, who passed away years before. He would talk about needing to meet up to get his truck to him. It was daily. I went along with whatever story he had in his head. Yes, I told him 'we'll do it tomorrow'. Each day he thought he was going to see my brother. Yes, he was agitated and frustrated. But he would have been agitated and frustrated with pretty much every scenario. No matter what I said or how I responded, he would be circle back to needing to meet his son. If I said that his son was dead, that would make him upset. If I said 'nope, we aren't going to see him' he would get upset. I would try to change the subject and he would circle back. So, I would try to defer the situation. We'll do it tomorrow. Hoping that he would forget tomorrow. He couldn't remember his son was dead, but he could remember I said we were going to see him tomorrow.

Dementia is a horrible disease. I don't think that there is a right or wrong way to handle this. Everyone is doing the best that they can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My takeaway is, don't micromanage the people taking care of your loved one.

My takeaway is that their approach is not working with your loved one; in fact it's having a negative effect. The caretakers will catch on if you tell them that.

I'm sure that approach worked well for someone else, but they need to know that it doesn't work all the time with everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My takeaway is, don't micromanage the people taking care of your loved one.

My takeaway is that their approach is not working with your loved one; in fact it's having a negative effect. The caretakers will catch on if you tell them that.

I'm sure that approach worked well for someone else, but they need to know that it doesn't work all the time with everyone.

+1

Thank you for getting it.

OP