Telling people with dementia that dead people will visit them

[Anonymous]

I understand that memory care staff tells patients that a loved person will come to visit them in order to calm them down. However, doing this has had the opposite affect with my parent.

A staff member told my parent that their dead spouse would come to visit the following morning. This led my living parent to think they needed to "get home" to the spouse (who is dead) and wonder why the dead parent was not showing up.

If you personally care for someone with dementia, please keep this in mind. The dementia patient does not forget everything, and sometimes they remember more than you think they can!

My take is that telling my parent that dead people will come to visit has had a negative effect and contributed to mental and behavior issues in addition to the regular decline with dementia.

[Anonymous]

My takeaway is, don't micromanage the people taking care of your loved one.

[Anonymous]

I worked in elder care for years and my spouse has for decades. I have never heard of this happening.

[Anonymous]

Caregiving for dementia doesn’t go perfectly and it’s really important to support and not micromanage the people doing the heavy lifting.

Sometimes you try an approach and it doesn’t work. Sometimes it works perfectly on Tuesday and goes wrong on Thursday.

Do you think you’ve figured out dementia care from this one experience? Don’t waste time here! Go write the book!

That was harsh. I get that knowing your dad was in distress is difficult.

The wanting to go home is heartbreaking, I know. I had a relative doing dementia care at home, and he had periods of intense agitation wanting to go “home” to his childhood home, which was sold decades before, to see his mother, who died decades before. It’s very hard.

[Anonymous]

It’s above their pay grade

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s above their pay grade

Yep. The staff is not the best and brightest, OP. A lot of them don't care overmuch. They do what they can within their limitations. For this you pay an arm and a leg.

[Anonymous]

My loved one was desperate to find her father and sister. In her case it did help to tell her her father was “at work” and her sister was away at college. This made sense to her and she would calm down.

[Anonymous]

Yup. I would tell that my dead FIL was touring for work. I never told my dad that relatives have died. What was the f'ing point?

I used to get a good chuckle thinking that when my dad met his family in heaven he would be in shock "Wait, what? You died too?"

[Anonymous]

Yup. I would tell my MIL with dementia that my dead FIL was touring for work. I never told my dad that relatives have died. What was the f'ing point?

I used to get a good chuckle thinking that when my dad met his family in heaven he would be in shock "Wait, what? You died too?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup. I would tell that my dead FIL was touring for work. I never told my dad that relatives have died. What was the f'ing point?

I used to get a good chuckle thinking that when my dad met his family in heaven he would be in shock "Wait, what? You died too?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Caregiving for dementia doesn’t go perfectly and it’s really important to support and not micromanage the people doing the heavy lifting.

Sometimes you try an approach and it doesn’t work. Sometimes it works perfectly on Tuesday and goes wrong on Thursday.

Do you think you’ve figured out dementia care from this one experience? Don’t waste time here! Go write the book!

That was harsh. I get that knowing your dad was in distress is difficult.

The wanting to go home is heartbreaking, I know. I had a relative doing dementia care at home, and he had periods of intense agitation wanting to go “home” to his childhood home, which was sold decades before, to see his mother, who died decades before. It’s very hard.

if it makes you feel better, my dad aged and died in his childhood home, which he inherited from his father. he would ask to go home all the time, while in the house he spent the vast majority of his life living in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup. I would tell my MIL with dementia that my dead FIL was touring for work. I never told my dad that relatives have died. What was the f'ing point?

I used to get a good chuckle thinking that when my dad met his family in heaven he would be in shock "Wait, what? You died too?"

[Anonymous]

My mom told my demented father that his mother was dead when he was anxious and looking for her. She died over 50 years ago. She had to watch him re-experience his mother’s death all over again. This isn’t any better. Sometimes there is no good option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom told my demented father that his mother was dead when he was anxious and looking for her. She died over 50 years ago. She had to watch him re-experience his mother’s death all over again. This isn’t any better. Sometimes there is no good option.

They haven’t tried other options. Staff is giving a very specific therapeutic lie and it isn’t working. As others have suggested, something that is more vague should be tried. It’s a red flag that staff didn’t figure this out immediately and try it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom told my demented father that his mother was dead when he was anxious and looking for her. She died over 50 years ago. She had to watch him re-experience his mother’s death all over again. This isn’t any better. Sometimes there is no good option.

They haven’t tried other options. Staff is giving a very specific therapeutic lie and it isn’t working. As others have suggested, something that is more vague should be tried. It’s a red flag that staff didn’t figure this out immediately and try it.

Yes, I do not agree that I am "micromanaging" as others have said.

Because of the upset nature of the patient, the nurses were testing the living parent for a UTI and want to change medications and add a visit to a psychiatrist. However, the staff themselves is at least partly causing this problem by telling my parent that their dead spouse will show up.

Yes, I know that dementia is the main problem. I get it. But why add more confusion to a confused person's day?

I suggested they ask the staff to say one of the adult kids will show up because we are ALIVE and DO show up. But a dead person can't show up at all. Ever.

Before this the living parent never asked about the dead parent...But with the staff reminding them they "have" a spouse, the living parent was getting all upset. What is the point beyond getting the patient upset?