Baby fever hitting hard

[Anonymous]

I have teens. My neighbor has a baby. I love love holding her little baby girl and watching her toddle around the neighborhood. And also I love sleeping through the night and not leaking milk all over my clothes and dealing with dirty diapers and toddler tantrums. Baby fever doesn’t think about the hard times, only the good ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I turn 40 in a few days and already have 2 kids. I swore I was done with children. My second pregnancy I developed eclampsia, my xH was cheating on me during the pregnancy and first year of DC2’s life, DC2 didn’t sleep through the night for over 2 years, so overall it was a very miserable time and I swore never to go through it again.

I don’t know if it’s hitting 40, my hormones pushing for one last try before menopause, or what, but all I can think about is having another baby. Part of the reason may also be that I’m dating my literal dream man, and he doesn’t have kids, so part of me wants to re-do things with him.

I’m seriously considering getting tubal ligation done ASAP so I don’t do anything stupid.

Anyone else go through this? It’s the hormones, right? I just have to make it through the next 5 years?

Who answered better??

My short answer -
It is two things - hormones and you are not very sharp.

ChatGPT answer -
First off, happy almost 40! 🎉 It sounds like you’ve been through a lot in the past, and I can totally understand how the emotional pull to have another baby could feel strong right now, especially given your current relationship and the hormonal shifts you might be experiencing as you approach menopause.

You’re definitely not alone in this. A lot of women go through phases of second-guessing past decisions about having children, especially when there are new life circumstances, like being in a fulfilling relationship. The feeling of wanting to "redo" things with someone you deeply care about is also really common, particularly if your past experiences weren’t as ideal as you'd hoped.

That said, it's also very likely that hormonal changes are influencing how you're feeling. As women approach 40, the body can start signaling for one last reproductive "hurrah" before heading into perimenopause and menopause. This can create a longing or a sense of urgency about having another child, even if, logically, you're very clear about the challenges you've faced. Your body could just be sending out those signals as part of that natural cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have teens. My neighbor has a baby. I love love holding her little baby girl and watching her toddle around the neighborhood. And also I love sleeping through the night and not leaking milk all over my clothes and dealing with dirty diapers and toddler tantrums. Baby fever doesn’t think about the hard times, only the good ones.

True.

[Anonymous]

I had to look at the date of this post to see if I wrote it. My xH was ALSO cheating on me during my last pregnancy until my youngest was 15 months.

I am ALSO dating my dream man for almost two years now and I love him so freaking much I want to create a human with him and my body diessss over it.

in every other facet of life, I'm a methodical planner who doesn't take risk and always opts for safe, steady, stable options but with this my brain is just like HAHA KNOCK ME UP SIR.

Solidarity, OP.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t.

- you had serious complications in prior pregnancies
- you have two kids from a previous marriage. That’s complicated.
- you’re not married. I especially wouldn’t have additional kids with two from a previous marriage if i wasn’t even married. That’s a lot for your two kids
- you’re 40. health risks increase at your age
- the risk of special needs is real. I think my third may have some SN and that will require a lot of attention and financial resources. Would really be prepared to deal with that possibility and its impact on your family.

[Anonymous]

OP. Thanks for the responses! Kinda interesting to see this is common and other women have been through it.

I did chat (briefly) with my BF about it. He's very concerned about pregnancy complications since I've had them in the past. He also does not want to be a sole provider, and realistically, I don't think I can handle 3 kids (including an infant) AND work. And he doesn't really care about having kids of his own, he's happy to be a stepdad.

So, I guess a baby is out. Truthfully I wouldn't have another if I wasn't with this specific man, and he's ambivalent about having his own biological kids, so the logical thing is to not have one.

But, damn, I really do miss the first year I had my first baby. xH wasn't the greatest, but I was a SAHM and he traveled so it was just me and DD. I miss those days so, so much.

[Anonymous]

You could do foster care. Chances are a baby would be reunited with its family, and if you did get the chance to adopt you would know a lot about the situation and could decide at that point. You would also get subsidized child care and Medicaid and a stipend, and you would not have to go through pregnancy and childbirth, so you could use leave more sparingly for the child's appointments and court dates. Foster care is a deeply messed up system, working with deeply messed up families, so it isn't something to take on lightly. But someone needs to be a foster parent and maybe it can be you.

[Anonymous]

I am not divorced, but I can relate to a lot of this. I am also newly 40. I also find myself wanting the experience of another baby. I also find myself reflecting that, although my children are perfect to me (!), there are things about the way I experienced my pregnancies and their infancies that weren't perfect. One of them was a COVID baby, and I still feel robbed of that experience.

I think to keep perspective, you have to remember that having another likely doesn't actually give you an ideal experience, either. You may have a much better partner this time, but you are also older and you have a history of eclampsia. You could, for example, end up having to deliver very early and then have to live with the stress of a very premature baby. That's not so ideal.

I totally get it because baby fever is real. But every time you get pregnant, the hard reality is that you are rolling the dice on any number of outcomes, and not all of them are your dream scenario. At your age and with your medical history, that is especially relevant.

And frankly, it sounds like you know this, but not being on the same page as your partner about what life with three kids would or should look like complicates your version of the dream even further. He may be your dream man, but challenging situations can put a strain on dream relationships. Maybe your relationship is better off without that strain.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could do foster care. Chances are a baby would be reunited with its family, and if you did get the chance to adopt you would know a lot about the situation and could decide at that point. You would also get subsidized child care and Medicaid and a stipend, and you would not have to go through pregnancy and childbirth, so you could use leave more sparingly for the child's appointments and court dates. Foster care is a deeply messed up system, working with deeply messed up families, so it isn't something to take on lightly. But someone needs to be a foster parent and maybe it can be you.

OP. This is actually a great idea - my partner was in foster care for several years and would totally be on board. I would likely wait until my kids are older (like you said, it can be a messed up system) but I do think it would be fulfilling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not divorced, but I can relate to a lot of this. I am also newly 40. I also find myself wanting the experience of another baby. I also find myself reflecting that, although my children are perfect to me (!), there are things about the way I experienced my pregnancies and their infancies that weren't perfect. One of them was a COVID baby, and I still feel robbed of that experience.

I think to keep perspective, you have to remember that having another likely doesn't actually give you an ideal experience, either. You may have a much better partner this time, but you are also older and you have a history of eclampsia. You could, for example, end up having to deliver very early and then have to live with the stress of a very premature baby. That's not so ideal.

I totally get it because baby fever is real. But every time you get pregnant, the hard reality is that you are rolling the dice on any number of outcomes, and not all of them are your dream scenario. At your age and with your medical history, that is especially relevant.

And frankly, it sounds like you know this, but not being on the same page as your partner about what life with three kids would or should look like complicates your version of the dream even further. He may be your dream man, but challenging situations can put a strain on dream relationships. Maybe your relationship is better off without that strain.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

OP. Thank you for this kind response - I literally teared up reading it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Thanks for the responses! Kinda interesting to see this is common and other women have been through it.

I did chat (briefly) with my BF about it. He's very concerned about pregnancy complications since I've had them in the past. He also does not want to be a sole provider, and realistically, I don't think I can handle 3 kids (including an infant) AND work. And he doesn't really care about having kids of his own, he's happy to be a stepdad.

So, I guess a baby is out. Truthfully I wouldn't have another if I wasn't with this specific man, and he's ambivalent about having his own biological kids, so the logical thing is to not have one.

But, damn, I really do miss the first year I had my first baby. xH wasn't the greatest, but I was a SAHM and he traveled so it was just me and DD. I miss those days so, so much.

Big hugs. It sounds like you had a dream situation (ex traveling and leaving you alone with a sleepy newborn). This would not be the same situation.

If he’s happy to be a step dad, don’t rock the boat!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No wonder no one wants to have kids anymore. You are not allowed to have even a shred of biological or selfish motivation anymore; it has to be a perfect, rational calculation with zero of your own interests involved to be considered a morally acceptable decision.

OP, I think it’s fine and normal to want a sort of “do over” when your only experience of having a baby was rough for reasons outside your control. My oldest has a severe sleep disorder that took over our lives and crowded out all other aspects of parenting to the point I truly have no memories of babyhood. This definitely played a part in my wanting a second, and I am not ashamed to say that. I wanted some happy memories of having a baby.

Do not have a baby with another man before being married. Do not marry before being really sure. Protect your existing kids financially and literally. But if you still want another, go for it.

Uhh do you not think you consider the children you have and the potential child you'd be birthing into life????? Being a good parent involves more than just popping out mini-mes.

[Anonymous]

So if your partner was ready and you conceived fairly quickly, you would have the baby at some point early 2027. You would be just about early retirement age by the time your youngest graduates HS. If you have a plan for retirement and college savings and extra cushion for the unexpected (health issues, job loss, private school expenses, etc.) then maybe go for it, but you would need to move fast!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have teens. My neighbor has a baby. I love love holding her little baby girl and watching her toddle around the neighborhood. And also I love sleeping through the night and not leaking milk all over my clothes and dealing with dirty diapers and toddler tantrums. Baby fever doesn’t think about the hard times, only the good ones.

So so so so so true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No wonder no one wants to have kids anymore. You are not allowed to have even a shred of biological or selfish motivation anymore; it has to be a perfect, rational calculation with zero of your own interests involved to be considered a morally acceptable decision.

OP, I think it’s fine and normal to want a sort of “do over” when your only experience of having a baby was rough for reasons outside your control. My oldest has a severe sleep disorder that took over our lives and crowded out all other aspects of parenting to the point I truly have no memories of babyhood. This definitely played a part in my wanting a second, and I am not ashamed to say that. I wanted some happy memories of having a baby.

Do not have a baby with another man before being married. Do not marry before being really sure. Protect your existing kids financially and literally. But if you still want another, go for it.

Wow, I feel so bad for your eldest. Imagine your mother hating you because of what you were like from 0-12 mons.