11 year old daughter’s behavior escalating at home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it sounds very much like she is masking at school and then unmasking at home. I agree with PP on the evaluation.

I feel conflicted with this. I don’t doubt that masking exists for people with autism. I worry that the concept applies to every neurodiversity absolves kids with other issues from home behaviors and removes accountability. Some kids behave better at school vs home because they know their teachers won’t stand for the behavior (whereas mom/dad give in) and they know peers might shame them. It’s not masking, it’s knowing what they can get away with whom.

My kids had difficult behaviors when they were younger both due to anxiety and adhd, we didn’t belittle or shame them, but our kids did have to learn to self regulate and also be accountable for their actions. When anxious kid lost their cool and threw things around the room, once they were calm they had to pick everything up before anything else can happen. Lots of “I love you and you’re safe and you have to clean up this mess” A parent I know just says “poor baby, she/he’s over stimulated” and the parents clean it up.

My kids got older and developed coping skills, and are doing great now. The early years were hard as hell, but putting the time and work and consistency into parenting them is important no matter the need. If it’s masking, sure you need to adjust to that. But please don’t use it as a scapegoat for your kids to lose their cool at home and have no accountability for how they’re acting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it sounds very much like she is masking at school and then unmasking at home. I agree with PP on the evaluation.

Ugh masking is not a thing. Different setting are different and people behave differently. Conversely if it is an actual neurodevelopmental disorder it must be apparent in multiple settings. Not to get too much into the details about my kid but he is great 95% of the time and horrid 5% of the time and you could easily claim he is “masking.” But he definitely is not.

My guess is that you would see some of this rigidity at school if she was observed there. Instead of wasting $$$ on a “neuropsych”) which will include many tests you do NOT need, I would get a psychologist to observe her at school if the school will allow that. You can also tell the teachers and coaches what you are seeing at home and if they see anything similar at school or practice.

At the same time I would get competent behavioral therapy (this will be with the parents not the child) so you can address behaviors at home. She should not be allowed to hit, period end of story. Find a therapist trained in PCIT and SPACE.

The hygeine stuff is pretty normal for a tween.

[Anonymous]

Sounds similar to me around that age and in middle school. I had anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t fixate on the diagnoses, because no matter what these issues seem very suited to therapy/CBT. Especially since she’s a good student, if she can pick up some techniques for managing her expectations and disappointment (which it sounds like is just something else squeezing out where it feels “allowed”), that could really help.

I agree but has to be the type of kid who is open to this. 11 is cognitively old enough but unless kid sees themself as having an issue they want to solve, I don’t think CBT will work well. This is where parenting coaching comes in because it teaches parents how to do the behavioral piece of CBT in the moment as well has reinforce when you do see the child use better coping mechanisms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens in public or school if things don't go her way?

Nothing. She might get frustrated, but keeps it to herself and hides it.

It’s not nothing. She internalizes it and freezes. When she tries to thaw out at home, you see it as misbehavior. It isn’t.

You’re being intentionally misleading.

The question the OP was responding to was clearly about behavior. They asked how the daughter handles similar disappointments at school that lead to meltdowns at home. The answer of “nothing” is meant to say that she takes it in stride and behaves in a way that’s not only socially acceptable, but her her friends and teachers also view her in a very positive light.

Yeah this is why the “masking” concept is so useless. No child with significant issues is actually totally fine at school. It is much more likely that they are reacting as PP suggests (internalizing instead of externalizing) or that there is in fact rigidity showing at school but school is less triggering of it (because by definition it is more predictable and structured) OR the school is just not mentioning it.

[Anonymous]

She needs an evaluation. What you are describing is not neurotypical behavior, especially refusing to rinse her hair or properly care for herself, and everything having to be “right.” This could be anything from anxiety to OCD to being on the spectrum: she needs help and you running to DCUM ain’t it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This may also be her struggling to regulate her emotions as adolescence progresses. Pretty normal but her actions are cries for help. She needs language and guidance on how to manage her feelings and some perspective that what she's experiencing is a phase. I also think that she expends so much energy all day long being the perfect student/friend, so comes home exhausted and overwhelmed and takes it out in her family, who are safe and will love her unconditionally. Help her understand what she's feeling and guide her with other ways to address and express these feelings.

+1

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like anxiety and it is manifesting in this way at home, however, I do agree with others who have suggested a neuropsych eval. You want to rule things out and get to the bottom of exactly what's going on.

~ a psychologist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like anxiety and it is manifesting in this way at home, however, I do agree with others who have suggested a neuropsych eval. You want to rule things out and get to the bottom of exactly what's going on.

~ a psychologist

This. School and social interactions are getting harder and will only get more complicated through adolescence (middle school and high school). It is good you are noticing this now and wanting to help her. Get a neuropysch to try to define what is going on and identify ways to help. Do not depend on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

I definitely think you need to get a professional involved. But I also wonder what type of pressure for perfection you might be modeling. Why are you trying to curl a kids hair before school if they aren’t asking for it? Jus think about some of this stuff.

[Anonymous]

My son arrived at college and was assigned a roommate who whose behavior was so severely rigid that he left college by Thanksgiving. Nice kid. No tolerance for any discomfort or change of expectations. It was really sad, as we felt that had he had earlier intervention, he might have been okay.

Instead, the parents had accommodated his rigidity and this reinforced it. It’s great than you see this issue and are beginning to pursue a plan to help your child. Now is the time to get support and help your child to thrive in later life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it sounds very much like she is masking at school and then unmasking at home. I agree with PP on the evaluation.

THIS. THIS. THIS.

Lower the demands on her. Make home cozy and easier. Lots of soft and easy loving interactions, not criticism and “consequences.”

I agree. You described her as good at everything, everyone loves her, she’s pretty much flawless. She chooses to release her frustration or resentment at home, at you. Make sure she’s not doing any activities that you picked, not her. It doesn’t matter if she’s good at it. She isn’t having problems at school so there should be a way to positively discuss her day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it sounds very much like she is masking at school and then unmasking at home. I agree with PP on the evaluation.

This. You are describing my ADHD/anxiety kid perfectly.

There is help for all of you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens in public or school if things don't go her way?

Nothing. She might get frustrated, but keeps it to herself and hides it.

It’s not nothing. She internalizes it and freezes. When she tries to thaw out at home, you see it as misbehavior. It isn’t.

You’re being intentionally misleading.

The question the OP was responding to was clearly about behavior. They asked how the daughter handles similar disappointments at school that lead to meltdowns at home. The answer of “nothing” is meant to say that she takes it in stride and behaves in a way that’s not only socially acceptable, but her her friends and teachers also view her in a very positive light.

Yeah this is why the “masking” concept is so useless. No child with significant issues is actually totally fine at school. It is much more likely that they are reacting as PP suggests (internalizing instead of externalizing) or that there is in fact rigidity showing at school but school is less triggering of it (because by definition it is more predictable and structured) OR the school is just not mentioning it.

Internalizing IS masking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens in public or school if things don't go her way?

Nothing. She might get frustrated, but keeps it to herself and hides it.

It’s not nothing. She internalizes it and freezes. When she tries to thaw out at home, you see it as misbehavior. It isn’t.

You’re being intentionally misleading.

The question the OP was responding to was clearly about behavior. They asked how the daughter handles similar disappointments at school that lead to meltdowns at home. The answer of “nothing” is meant to say that she takes it in stride and behaves in a way that’s not only socially acceptable, but her her friends and teachers also view her in a very positive light.

Yeah this is why the “masking” concept is so useless. No child with significant issues is actually totally fine at school. It is much more likely that they are reacting as PP suggests (internalizing instead of externalizing) or that there is in fact rigidity showing at school but school is less triggering of it (because by definition it is more predictable and structured) OR the school is just not mentioning it.

Internalizing IS masking.

No it isn’t. It’s internalizing. Or could simply be fewer triggers at school.