College dd frustrating behavior

[Anonymous]

ADHD is very often missed in girls because they have coping mechanisms and if she was doing fine academically there was no reason to consider it.

An executive functioning coach can help her develop strategies, but knowing there is a problem and there is a need to have strategies can be really helpful.

I have two high performing girls, the second with a diagnosis. I had no idea it was even a possibility, I was getting her tested to deal with anxiety and this was identified. When I learned about the early signs it stunned me and I know my older DD also has it, but it did not impact her academics enough and she does not think there is anything going on so I just keep it in mind when supporting her when she has challenges.

ADHD does not mean a lack of intelligence or incompetence, it means your brain works differently and it can affect a range of executive functioning skills.

[Anonymous]

My DD did this. It’s anxiety coupled with new processes, procedures, homework patterns and school demands. She used to call all the time too and it would stress me out. Especially when her emotions ran high upon discovering that she missed a deadline. In the first year or two I tried to help her solve it or to calm her down. Eventually she figured stuff out and she still calls me but it’s more of a stress release valve and I just sit on the phone saying stuff like ‘wow, that sounds rough….’ And then silence while she tries to figure stuff out and then ‘Yeah you have a lot going on….’ When she lists the dozen things that are due in the next two days, Followed by more silence, tbh I’m probably starting dinner at this point or doing some kind of multi tasking, and then ‘Oh man, that stinks, you missed it? so what are your options’…. So, I’d say it’s normal OP, and it’s good that she calls you. I don’t think it’s ADHD. I think it’s a late teen doing stuff for the first time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re her default.
Kinda’ on you now mom to deal.

Shes an adult and really needs to learn to triage. Where dad ? Can you punt to him?

He's not home right now so could not deal with it but yes, when we are both free we try and take turns so it doesn't get nuts. She doesn't have a good concept of us working (!!) either for some reason so she calls a lot during the day which is not great because either we pick up or we don't and feel bad. I don't think it's ADHD necessarily (not something teachers ever mentioned, and she's always been good about managing school work, makes a little chart with all due dates...) so much as her really getting into her head about problem A so much that she then neglects B and C which then turn into problems when they were not initially. For the internship, she was stressing about little details in the application so much that she basically forgot about the main part which was the formatting of answers so she has to redo it all.

You and dad need boundaries. You work and have a life outside of your adult daughter no?. Why doesn't she understand that?
Calling non-stop in the middle of your work day for non emergencies is very immature at best.

She probably should see a doctor when she's home again to deal with what sounds like anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Don’t answer her calls during the workday. I would start there. She may have figured stuff out by the time you call her back after 6pm.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm one of those above urging that she have a neuropsych. Your pediatrician/internist can provide the names of good testers. Also, the disability center at your DD's school can provide a list (GMU did for us when they wanted DD retested because her testing was more than 3 years old) or may even do the testing itself. It's important to her future success in college that you do this. She could have any number of problems you haven't thought of.

[Anonymous]

She isn’t calling for you to fix her problems. She just wants to vent. Just listen. If she asks for suggestions then ask her what she thinks she could do differently or what resources she could use.

All this, plus what pp said about late teens figuring things out. It's annoying but totally normal and it's great that she feels safe dumping on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she has ADHD and cannot read instructions properly, and has anxiety about it. Was this ever a problem in high school?

My college kid has severe ADHD and missing emails or steps in directions has been a staple of his life forever. It's a shame, because he just missed an internship opportunity recently because of that.

This

She needs to get more organized in a way that works for her. Asap

[Anonymous]

The best thing you can do for her when she does this is year her like you would a good friend who calls to tell you she screwed up something. What would you say?

-Oh no!
-That stinks.
-Oh, I'm so sorry.
-That's happened to me before when I...(example), and what helped most was when I...
-So what can you do now?
-What about x, do you think that would work?
-Well, shoot. I'm really sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?
- if it would help, I'm happy to do x.
-It'll be OK.

All these responses assume the problem belongs to your friend, that she can solve it somehow, that you might have some experience to share that could be helpful but if course it's up to her to take it or leave it, that you are happy to help if possible and here's an idea about how you could help (but often there is really nothing we can do for friends' problems (e.g. at work, as with school). But the problem isn't yours and you generally believe that your friend can handle it and things will be OK.

Stepping over this line with adult children is appropriate only if they are clearly demonstrating that they *can't* handle it and that things really might not be OK (in a health and welfare kind of way, not getting a bad grade in a college class). They have to solve their own problems not just because that's what adulting is all about, but because doing so builds confidence and resilience. And an important part of that is knowing that you feel confident that they can do it.

So let her vent, but treat it more like you would a friend unless you are truly worried about her welfare. Get off the phone when you've had enough. Try to mentally distance yourself from her run-of-the-mill problems in the way you do even with your best friend. That will help lower your own anxiety when she's venting.

Just my $0.02.

[Anonymous]

Also, don't pick up the phone during the work day. Send a text, "in a meeting, can I call you back?" Make it clear if you need to that the answer to that question should be yes unless it's a real emergency that needs your input immediately. Don't feel bad. She's not 2, she doesn't need her parents at her beck and call-- and in fact it really is better for her if she doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, don't pick up the phone during the work day. Send a text, "in a meeting, can I call you back?" Make it clear if you need to that the answer to that question should be yes unless it's a real emergency that needs your input immediately. Don't feel bad. She's not 2, she doesn't need her parents at her beck and call-- and in fact it really is better for her if she doesn't.

This. Teach her to wait - she may calm herself down or solve her own problem in the meantime, and tha would be great for her confidence and skills.