College dd frustrating behavior

[Anonymous]

DD keeps calling me with the same exact issue: she is stressed because she didn't follow such and such instructions so had to redo something. We're on the eighth call this week about this and 3rd call today about various problems, one being an internship she had weeks to apply for and she did something wrong and it's due tomorrow. She declared she'd just "submit it as is, they don't want me anyway."

She's a very good student and I've not helped her with homework/organization since maybe 2nd grade. I'm so frustrated by these calls because it's like she wants to complain and for me to almost solve things I have zero way of solving other than to say "make sure you read instructions" which is obviously not helpful because I've already told her this and she is in the same predicament again. Anyone else dealing with this? On the third call I told her I had to go because it was getting so frustrating. Often these crises resolve on their own, like the one she had early on in the week, she was sure she bombed a text because of instructions and she ended up getting a good grade anyway. It's such a terrible pattern and I want to be a good mom and listen to her but I also don't want to enable complaining.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you set her up to fail on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you set her up to fail on her own.

WDYM?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you're her go-to person for venting. Maybe just hold up a mirror during these talks and reflect back what you hear her saying. You're right, you can't fix any of this for her, but are you sure she's asking you to or just getting the mess off her chest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you're her go-to person for venting. Maybe just hold up a mirror during these talks and reflect back what you hear her saying. You're right, you can't fix any of this for her, but are you sure she's asking you to or just getting the mess off her chest?

I think a big part of it is getting it off her chest though she does also ask a ton of questions which is fine if they are pointed questions, which is fine except for the fast that I will give advice which turns out to be useless because they were due to her not reading instructions. The amount of times she is venting about the same exact thing is also frustrating, like imagine someone constantly telling you they have X issue and you try to guide them through it and they keep making the same mistake. Today was especially bad with three separate instances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you're her go-to person for venting. Maybe just hold up a mirror during these talks and reflect back what you hear her saying. You're right, you can't fix any of this for her, but are you sure she's asking you to or just getting the mess off her chest?

I think a big part of it is getting it off her chest though she does also ask a ton of questions which is fine if they are pointed questions, which is fine except for the fast that I will give advice which turns out to be useless because they were due to her not reading instructions. The amount of times she is venting about the same exact thing is also frustrating, like imagine someone constantly telling you they have X issue and you try to guide them through it and they keep making the same mistake. Today was especially bad with three separate instances.

Yeah, I'm not disagreeing that it's frustrating, I have an issue with my college aged son in which he has presenting something to us as being a major problem for him, but he continues to make choices that support the problem instead of making changes in his behavior with the goal of creating a different outcome. It's driving DH and me nuts, but we keep listening and asking him how he plans to address xyz when he continues to complain about the same thing. We've done the advice route and it's not been effective.

[Anonymous]

You’re her default.
Kinda’ on you now mom to deal.

Shes an adult and really needs to learn to triage. Where dad ? Can you punt to him?

[Anonymous]

She isn’t calling for you to fix her problems.
She just wants to vent. Just listen. If she asks for suggestions then ask her what she think she could do differently or what resources she could use.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she has ADHD and cannot read instructions properly, and has anxiety about it. Was this ever a problem in high school?

My college kid has severe ADHD and missing emails or steps in directions has been a staple of his life forever. It's a shame, because he just missed an internship opportunity recently because of that.

[Anonymous]

Tell her that ChatGPT is great for this type of venting!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re her default.
Kinda’ on you now mom to deal.

Shes an adult and really needs to learn to triage. Where dad ? Can you punt to him?

He's not home right now so could not deal with it but yes, when we are both free we try and take turns so it doesn't get nuts. She doesn't have a good concept of us working (!!) either for some reason so she calls a lot during the day which is not great because either we pick up or we don't and feel bad. I don't think it's ADHD necessarily (not something teachers ever mentioned, and she's always been good about managing school work, makes a little chart with all due dates...) so much as her really getting into her head about problem A so much that she then neglects B and C which then turn into problems when they were not initially. For the internship, she was stressing about little details in the application so much that she basically forgot about the main part which was the formatting of answers so she has to redo it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re her default.
Kinda’ on you now mom to deal.

Shes an adult and really needs to learn to triage. Where dad ? Can you punt to him?

He's not home right now so could not deal with it but yes, when we are both free we try and take turns so it doesn't get nuts. She doesn't have a good concept of us working (!!) either for some reason so she calls a lot during the day which is not great because either we pick up or we don't and feel bad. I don't think it's ADHD necessarily (not something teachers ever mentioned, and she's always been good about managing school work, makes a little chart with all due dates...) so much as her really getting into her head about problem A so much that she then neglects B and C which then turn into problems when they were not initially. For the internship, she was stressing about little details in the application so much that she basically forgot about the main part which was the formatting of answers so she has to redo it all.

That's behavior that manifests in ADHD/ASD profiles. You might want to consider an evaluation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re her default.
Kinda’ on you now mom to deal.

Shes an adult and really needs to learn to triage. Where dad ? Can you punt to him?

He's not home right now so could not deal with it but yes, when we are both free we try and take turns so it doesn't get nuts. She doesn't have a good concept of us working (!!) either for some reason so she calls a lot during the day which is not great because either we pick up or we don't and feel bad. I don't think it's ADHD necessarily (not something teachers ever mentioned, and she's always been good about managing school work, makes a little chart with all due dates...) so much as her really getting into her head about problem A so much that she then neglects B and C which then turn into problems when they were not initially. For the internship, she was stressing about little details in the application so much that she basically forgot about the main part which was the formatting of answers so she has to redo it all.

That's behavior that manifests in ADHD/ASD profiles. You might want to consider an evaluation.

Yes. My DD kid: doesn’t read instructions and doesn’t read the syllabi so doesn’t understand basics like how the course is graded.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like anxiety?
I disagree about possible adhd, she would have had issues with schoolwork.
Maybe the stakes are higher now and she is anxious
But yes ChatGPT is great when I get into this spiral of anxiety

[Anonymous]

So, what you want to do is reflect on her comments- you sound upset, that must be hard and then don't solve it for her.

If she wants to talk about it about it again, ask her what she think happened that resulted in this problem? You know why, she did read and follow the instructions, etc, but YOU do NOT answer this question. Only she figures it out. Then hopefully she will do something differently time so she doesn't keep getting in this situation. If you answer the question, she is unlikely to understand she is responsible for fixing this problem.