Reply to College dd frustrating behavior

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[quote=Anonymous]The best thing you can do for her when she does this is year her like you would a good friend who calls to tell you she screwed up something. What would you say?

-Oh no!
-That stinks.
-Oh, I'm so sorry. 
-That's happened to me before when I...(example), and what helped most was when I...
-So what can you do now?
-What about x, do you think that would work?
-Well, shoot. I'm really sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?
- if it would help,  I'm happy to do x.
-It'll be OK.

All these responses assume the problem belongs to your friend, that she can solve it somehow, that you might have some experience to share that could be helpful but if course it's up to her to take it or leave it, that you are happy to help if possible and here's an idea about how you could help (but often there is really nothing we can do for friends' problems (e.g. at work, as with school). But the problem isn't yours and you generally believe that your friend can handle it and things will be OK.

Stepping over this line with adult children is appropriate only if they are clearly demonstrating that they *can't* handle it and that things really might not be OK (in a health and welfare kind of way, not getting a bad grade in a college class). They have to solve their own problems not just because that's what adulting is all about, but because doing so builds confidence and resilience. And an important part of that is knowing that you feel confident that they can do it.

So let her vent, but treat it more like you would a friend unless you are truly worried about her welfare. Get off the phone when you've had enough. Try to mentally distance yourself from her run-of-the-mill problems in the way you do even with your best friend. That will help lower your own anxiety when she's venting.

Just my $0.02.[/quote]

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