When they're not where you expect them to be

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd simply text if she wants a ride back home. Maybe club finished earlier or was canceled and she's killing time until the bus.

+1
I'd just say I could pick her up since I'm driving by the school. If she responds, "Club finished early, got a snack and hanging out at the park," I'd just remind her to let us know if her plans change. No biggie.

[Anonymous]

At age 13, I also generally expected to be notified if plans change (including small things like this). That said, there would be a big difference in going somewhere generally “allowed and makes sense” (activity ended early so walked across the street to get a snack) vs lying outright or going somewhere they know full well I wouldn’t approve of.

I agree with the poster above: Just remind that you do expect to be notified if plans change (and that this is enough of a change in plan that you still do need to be made aware)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends where they were...

Looks like 7-11 and a park.

I would approach with curiosity...why weren't you at the after school club where you were supposed to be? And then talk respectfully about safety and how you need to know where she is in case anything happens. Explain the importance of trust and communication as they continue in their teen years.

Op here. This is basically how it went down. She came bounding in excited that the club ended early and was proud that she went to 7-11 to get family members some Valentine's Day candies. So I didn't even have to ask where she was. She also said that in the park she ate too much chocolate and now her stomach hurt so she wanted a big salad or something healthy for dinner.

We talked about how that was a sweet idea but I needed to know about change of plans. She's a new babysitter so also unaccustomed to having $ available so we briefly talked about spending choices.

I'm glad I didn't go with my first instinct to call or text angrily, "where the heck are you?!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At age 13, I also generally expected to be notified if plans change (including small things like this). That said, there would be a big difference in going somewhere generally “allowed and makes sense” (activity ended early so walked across the street to get a snack) vs lying outright or going somewhere they know full well I wouldn’t approve of.

I agree with the poster above: Just remind that you do expect to be notified if plans change (and that this is enough of a change in plan that you still do need to be made aware)

Op again. I guess we also should talk later about places that are generally ok to go versus those I'd want to have a conversation about first, not just "let me know," but actual dialogue.

[Anonymous]

A 13 year old is in 7th or 8th grade? I would also give more leash. It’s fine to go within this boundary etc. if you are going to go outside of it, ask first. it’s old to be having to tell you every movement she is making after school. It’s very common socializing for kids that age to wander some after school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask her how the after school club went.

Don’t do this. Why put your child into a position to lie to you? You can say, I noticed you were at 7-11 when. I’m not comfortable with you going without telling me. Next time, let me know. Or, explain why she is not allowed to go. Do not bait your child into lying.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I would turn off the tracker and not use it to spy on my teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends where they were...

Looks like 7-11 and a park.

She's 13!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A 13 year old is in 7th or 8th grade? I would also give more leash. It’s fine to go within this boundary etc. if you are going to go outside of it, ask first. it’s old to be having to tell you every movement she is making after school. It’s very common socializing for kids that age to wander some after school.

+1. I don’t track my 13 year old but I tell him he has to be home at a certain time, tell me who he is with and roughly where they are going, and is not allowed to go inside houses without telling me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 13 year old is in 7th or 8th grade? I would also give more leash. It’s fine to go within this boundary etc. if you are going to go outside of it, ask first. it’s old to be having to tell you every movement she is making after school. It’s very common socializing for kids that age to wander some after school.

+1. I don’t track my 13 year old but I tell him he has to be home at a certain time, tell me who he is with and roughly where they are going, and is not allowed to go inside houses without telling me.

Op here, yeah, that makes sense. But if the plan is "I have xyz club till 5:30 and then I'll take the bus home or get a ride with Billy," there should be a text saying "club got out early, I'll stop by 7/11 before coming home at the usual time or earlier."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I call them and say why are you at location? Why are you pussy-footing around this?

That’s what I always did. My reaction would depend on the answer. For most of my kids, their answer was satisfactory enough for me to remind them that they need to let me know if plans change. Also if there was an issue about where they were, I’d remind them that their location requires permission. It was enough for me to remind them I will always know.

With one of mine, being at an unexpected place resulted in panic because that one had mental health issues and was frequently suicidal. But that’s an entirely different issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 13 year old is in 7th or 8th grade? I would also give more leash. It’s fine to go within this boundary etc. if you are going to go outside of it, ask first. it’s old to be having to tell you every movement she is making after school. It’s very common socializing for kids that age to wander some after school.

+1. I don’t track my 13 year old but I tell him he has to be home at a certain time, tell me who he is with and roughly where they are going, and is not allowed to go inside houses without telling me.

Op here, yeah, that makes sense. But if the plan is "I have xyz club till 5:30 and then I'll take the bus home or get a ride with Billy," there should be a text saying "club got out early, I'll stop by 7/11 before coming home at the usual time or earlier."

Stuff like this makes me sad for this generation. I loved just wandering with my friends at this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 13 year old is in 7th or 8th grade? I would also give more leash. It’s fine to go within this boundary etc. if you are going to go outside of it, ask first. it’s old to be having to tell you every movement she is making after school. It’s very common socializing for kids that age to wander some after school.

+1. I don’t track my 13 year old but I tell him he has to be home at a certain time, tell me who he is with and roughly where they are going, and is not allowed to go inside houses without telling me.

Op here, yeah, that makes sense. But if the plan is "I have xyz club till 5:30 and then I'll take the bus home or get a ride with Billy," there should be a text saying "club got out early, I'll stop by 7/11 before coming home at the usual time or earlier."

Stuff like this makes me sad for this generation. I loved just wandering with my friends at this age.

But you probably had a default plan, right? Like I'll be waking around the neighborhood or at so and so houses, home by dinnertime?

[Anonymous]

Do you drink coffee?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 13 year old is in 7th or 8th grade? I would also give more leash. It’s fine to go within this boundary etc. if you are going to go outside of it, ask first. it’s old to be having to tell you every movement she is making after school. It’s very common socializing for kids that age to wander some after school.

+1. I don’t track my 13 year old but I tell him he has to be home at a certain time, tell me who he is with and roughly where they are going, and is not allowed to go inside houses without telling me.

Op here, yeah, that makes sense. But if the plan is "I have xyz club till 5:30 and then I'll take the bus home or get a ride with Billy," there should be a text saying "club got out early, I'll stop by 7/11 before coming home at the usual time or earlier."

I’d be fine with my kid showing up at the appointed time and explaining what happened when they got home. If generally 7-11 was an ok destination previously agreed upon as in bounds etc.

I think 13 is old for this level of asking for a blow by blow of all movement ahead of time.