Handling negotiation during divorce

[Anonymous]

Since you were married for almost three decades then I would assume that you would most definitely be entitled to alimony - especially considering your health issues.

I guess it would depend on your state though…..

[Anonymous]

Poster at 02/11/2026 20:59 in VA -- Did you go through this recently and would you mind sharing the name of the attorney you used, if generally happy with them? Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Met attorney to begin divorce proceedings, he was pretty convinced that i will not be eligible for alimony even though i make less than half of him, have a 28 year marriage, chronic health conditions, PLUS he is having a work place affair. Is the attorney being realistic? Would mediation help as STBX keeps denying affair?

It doesn't matter that he had an affair, even though its crummy and if you are working you probably cannot get alimony and chronic health issues and working probably don't count. Find a new attorney and let a judge decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Met attorney to begin divorce proceedings, he was pretty convinced that i will not be eligible for alimony even though i make less than half of him, have a 28 year marriage, chronic health conditions, PLUS he is having a work place affair. Is the attorney being realistic? Would mediation help as STBX keeps denying affair?

No one cares about the affair. BTDT. That doesn't move the needle in your favor. You make less than half, but are you earning six figures? If so that will impact maintenance for sure but zero maintenance seems unreasonable. Talk to several attorneys. Good luck!

I did tell the attorney, they mentioned proposing rehabilitative alimony for a few years.. and yes, I make six figures-

If you are making six figures you may get a few years but probably not lifetime. I'd negociate for things like the house, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The affair is likely meaningless as a legal matter.

Depends on the state and what kind of divorce you are suing for. You shouldn't give legal advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Met attorney to begin divorce proceedings, he was pretty convinced that i will not be eligible for alimony even though i make less than half of him, have a 28 year marriage, chronic health conditions, PLUS he is having a work place affair. Is the attorney being realistic? Would mediation help as STBX keeps denying affair?

No one cares about the affair. BTDT. That doesn't move the needle in your favor. You make less than half, but are you earning six figures? If so that will impact maintenance for sure but zero maintenance seems unreasonable. Talk to several attorneys. Good luck!

I did tell the attorney, they mentioned proposing rehabilitative alimony for a few years.. and yes, I make six figures-

If you are making six figures you may get a few years but probably not lifetime. I'd negociate for things like the house, etc.

Thats what the attorney said-hope the mediation helps somehow. I want to play the card right-the AP gets to lose career and any job prospects (as its a close community) if the affair comes out. My STBX will be fine I know. Of course, he wouldnt want her to lose anything..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Met attorney to begin divorce proceedings, he was pretty convinced that i will not be eligible for alimony even though i make less than half of him, have a 28 year marriage, chronic health conditions, PLUS he is having a work place affair. Is the attorney being realistic? Would mediation help as STBX keeps denying affair?

No one cares about the affair. BTDT. That doesn't move the needle in your favor. You make less than half, but are you earning six figures? If so that will impact maintenance for sure but zero maintenance seems unreasonable. Talk to several attorneys. Good luck!

I did tell the attorney, they mentioned proposing rehabilitative alimony for a few years.. and yes, I make six figures-

If you are making six figures you may get a few years but probably not lifetime. I'd negociate for things like the house, etc.

Thats what the attorney said-hope the mediation helps somehow. I want to play the card right-the AP gets to lose career and any job prospects (as its a close community) if the affair comes out. My STBX will be fine I know. Of course, he wouldnt want her to lose anything..

Don't worry about the AP. Worry about yourself. I made the AP largely irrelevant in the aftermath of my separation, which is empowering. Leave her out of the equation and focus on finding an attorney who will get you the best financial settlement possible. Of course if he has been recklessly dissipating marital assets on his AP you are entitled to half that money but in most cases it's not worth worrying about. The AP did not cause the affair. This is between you and your ex and it has become a financial transaction. I hope this makes sense but it has really helped me move forward through a very ugly divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Poster at 02/11/2026 20:59 in VA -- Did you go through this recently and would you mind sharing the name of the attorney you used, if generally happy with them? Thank you.

He offered it. We both had lawyers but I didn't really like mine tbh. She wanted me to ask for $9k instead of the $10k, but he had only dropped his offer as a negotiation tactic. I was like, look, he has $10k/month written on this sample budget sheet, that's what he is planning to pay, and she looked actually embarrassed when she asked for it in our conference. And then he said, "Done," and she was like zomg, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since you were married for almost three decades then I would assume that you would most definitely be entitled to alimony - especially considering your health issues.

I guess it would depend on your state though…..

She's making a good income, just not to maintain their current lifestyle. If she has minor kids, she can get child support but if she's working full-time health issues aren't relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Met attorney to begin divorce proceedings, he was pretty convinced that i will not be eligible for alimony even though i make less than half of him, have a 28 year marriage, chronic health conditions, PLUS he is having a work place affair. Is the attorney being realistic? Would mediation help as STBX keeps denying affair?

No one cares about the affair. BTDT. That doesn't move the needle in your favor. You make less than half, but are you earning six figures? If so that will impact maintenance for sure but zero maintenance seems unreasonable. Talk to several attorneys. Good luck!

I did tell the attorney, they mentioned proposing rehabilitative alimony for a few years.. and yes, I make six figures-

If you are making six figures you may get a few years but probably not lifetime. I'd negociate for things like the house, etc.

Thats what the attorney said-hope the mediation helps somehow. I want to play the card right-the AP gets to lose career and any job prospects (as its a close community) if the affair comes out. My STBX will be fine I know. Of course, he wouldnt want her to lose anything..

Don't worry about the AP. Worry about yourself. I made the AP largely irrelevant in the aftermath of my separation, which is empowering. Leave her out of the equation and focus on finding an attorney who will get you the best financial settlement possible. Of course if he has been recklessly dissipating marital assets on his AP you are entitled to half that money but in most cases it's not worth worrying about. The AP did not cause the affair. This is between you and your ex and it has become a financial transaction. I hope this makes sense but it has really helped me move forward through a very ugly divorce.

+1, if he didn't cheat with her, he'd cheat with someone else. She is selfish for participating in it and that speaks of her character but he's the one who cheated on you by his own choice. Forget her.

Negotiate for things important to you. Ask for the house free and clear, for example. That's what my mom did and got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Met attorney to begin divorce proceedings, he was pretty convinced that i will not be eligible for alimony even though i make less than half of him, have a 28 year marriage, chronic health conditions, PLUS he is having a work place affair. Is the attorney being realistic? Would mediation help as STBX keeps denying affair?

No one cares about the affair. BTDT. That doesn't move the needle in your favor. You make less than half, but are you earning six figures? If so that will impact maintenance for sure but zero maintenance seems unreasonable. Talk to several attorneys. Good luck!

I did tell the attorney, they mentioned proposing rehabilitative alimony for a few years.. and yes, I make six figures-

If you are making six figures you may get a few years but probably not lifetime. I'd negociate for things like the house, etc.

Thats what the attorney said-hope the mediation helps somehow. I want to play the card right-the AP gets to lose career and any job prospects (as its a close community) if the affair comes out. My STBX will be fine I know. Of course, he wouldnt want her to lose anything..

Don't worry about the AP. Worry about yourself. I made the AP largely irrelevant in the aftermath of my separation, which is empowering. Leave her out of the equation and focus on finding an attorney who will get you the best financial settlement possible. Of course if he has been recklessly dissipating marital assets on his AP you are entitled to half that money but in most cases it's not worth worrying about. The AP did not cause the affair. This is between you and your ex and it has become a financial transaction. I hope this makes sense but it has really helped me move forward through a very ugly divorce.

+1, if he didn't cheat with her, he'd cheat with someone else. She is selfish for participating in it and that speaks of her character but he's the one who cheated on you by his own choice. Forget her.

Negotiate for things important to you. Ask for the house free and clear, for example. That's what my mom did and got it.

I don't think OP is saying that she's using negotiations to punish the AP. I think she's saying that the threat of AP being exposed and losing her job is motivation for her STBX to come to the table in the negotiations. I'm the $10k/month lady and I understand that adultery is just a minor embarrassment these days (and I didn't hire the attorney who wanted to hire a PI and accuse him of adultery in court). But is guilt and caring about his reputation why my ex played so nice? Probably.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Met attorney to begin divorce proceedings, he was pretty convinced that i will not be eligible for alimony even though i make less than half of him, have a 28 year marriage, chronic health conditions, PLUS he is having a work place affair. Is the attorney being realistic? Would mediation help as STBX keeps denying affair?

No one cares about the affair. BTDT. That doesn't move the needle in your favor. You make less than half, but are you earning six figures? If so that will impact maintenance for sure but zero maintenance seems unreasonable. Talk to several attorneys. Good luck!

I did tell the attorney, they mentioned proposing rehabilitative alimony for a few years.. and yes, I make six figures-

If you are making six figures you may get a few years but probably not lifetime. I'd negociate for things like the house, etc.

Thats what the attorney said-hope the mediation helps somehow. I want to play the card right-the AP gets to lose career and any job prospects (as its a close community) if the affair comes out. My STBX will be fine I know. Of course, he wouldnt want her to lose anything..

Don't worry about the AP. Worry about yourself. I made the AP largely irrelevant in the aftermath of my separation, which is empowering. Leave her out of the equation and focus on finding an attorney who will get you the best financial settlement possible. Of course if he has been recklessly dissipating marital assets on his AP you are entitled to half that money but in most cases it's not worth worrying about. The AP did not cause the affair. This is between you and your ex and it has become a financial transaction. I hope this makes sense but it has really helped me move forward through a very ugly divorce.

+1, if he didn't cheat with her, he'd cheat with someone else. She is selfish for participating in it and that speaks of her character but he's the one who cheated on you by his own choice. Forget her.

Negotiate for things important to you. Ask for the house free and clear, for example. That's what my mom did and got it.

I don't think OP is saying that she's using negotiations to punish the AP. I think she's saying that the threat of AP being exposed and losing her job is motivation for her STBX to come to the table in the negotiations. I'm the $10k/month lady and I understand that adultery is just a minor embarrassment these days (and I didn't hire the attorney who wanted to hire a PI and accuse him of adultery in court). But is guilt and caring about his reputation why my ex played so nice? Probably.

You don't lose your job via an affair. Most states don't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Met attorney to begin divorce proceedings, he was pretty convinced that i will not be eligible for alimony even though i make less than half of him, have a 28 year marriage, chronic health conditions, PLUS he is having a work place affair. Is the attorney being realistic? Would mediation help as STBX keeps denying affair?

No one cares about the affair. BTDT. That doesn't move the needle in your favor. You make less than half, but are you earning six figures? If so that will impact maintenance for sure but zero maintenance seems unreasonable. Talk to several attorneys. Good luck!

I did tell the attorney, they mentioned proposing rehabilitative alimony for a few years.. and yes, I make six figures-

If you are making six figures you may get a few years but probably not lifetime. I'd negociate for things like the house, etc.

Thats what the attorney said-hope the mediation helps somehow. I want to play the card right-the AP gets to lose career and any job prospects (as its a close community) if the affair comes out. My STBX will be fine I know. Of course, he wouldnt want her to lose anything..

Don't worry about the AP. Worry about yourself. I made the AP largely irrelevant in the aftermath of my separation, which is empowering. Leave her out of the equation and focus on finding an attorney who will get you the best financial settlement possible. Of course if he has been recklessly dissipating marital assets on his AP you are entitled to half that money but in most cases it's not worth worrying about. The AP did not cause the affair. This is between you and your ex and it has become a financial transaction. I hope this makes sense but it has really helped me move forward through a very ugly divorce.

+1, if he didn't cheat with her, he'd cheat with someone else. She is selfish for participating in it and that speaks of her character but he's the one who cheated on you by his own choice. Forget her.

Negotiate for things important to you. Ask for the house free and clear, for example. That's what my mom did and got it.

What does asking for the house free and clear mean? Fully paid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Met attorney to begin divorce proceedings, he was pretty convinced that i will not be eligible for alimony even though i make less than half of him, have a 28 year marriage, chronic health conditions, PLUS he is having a work place affair. Is the attorney being realistic? Would mediation help as STBX keeps denying affair?

No one cares about the affair. BTDT. That doesn't move the needle in your favor. You make less than half, but are you earning six figures? If so that will impact maintenance for sure but zero maintenance seems unreasonable. Talk to several attorneys. Good luck!

I did tell the attorney, they mentioned proposing rehabilitative alimony for a few years.. and yes, I make six figures-

If you are making six figures you may get a few years but probably not lifetime. I'd negociate for things like the house, etc.

Thats what the attorney said-hope the mediation helps somehow. I want to play the card right-the AP gets to lose career and any job prospects (as its a close community) if the affair comes out. My STBX will be fine I know. Of course, he wouldnt want her to lose anything..

Don't worry about the AP. Worry about yourself. I made the AP largely irrelevant in the aftermath of my separation, which is empowering. Leave her out of the equation and focus on finding an attorney who will get you the best financial settlement possible. Of course if he has been recklessly dissipating marital assets on his AP you are entitled to half that money but in most cases it's not worth worrying about. The AP did not cause the affair. This is between you and your ex and it has become a financial transaction. I hope this makes sense but it has really helped me move forward through a very ugly divorce.

+1, if he didn't cheat with her, he'd cheat with someone else. She is selfish for participating in it and that speaks of her character but he's the one who cheated on you by his own choice. Forget her.

Negotiate for things important to you. Ask for the house free and clear, for example. That's what my mom did and got it.

I don't think OP is saying that she's using negotiations to punish the AP. I think she's saying that the threat of AP being exposed and losing her job is motivation for her STBX to come to the table in the negotiations. I'm the $10k/month lady and I understand that adultery is just a minor embarrassment these days (and I didn't hire the attorney who wanted to hire a PI and accuse him of adultery in court). But is guilt and caring about his reputation why my ex played so nice? Probably.

You don't lose your job via an affair. Most states don't care.

It’s a job where she is the subordinate, and in this kind of position, she would be the one made to leave.

[Anonymous]

Your attorney sounds lame and he just wants to suck money by going back and worth and don't want to try hard for you. Change him/