Spouse WFH and I don't want to talk when I get home

[Anonymous]

What kind of problems? Something with the kids or his work stuff?

[Anonymous]

Make him submit his complaints in writing.

[Anonymous]

Good idea to call during the commute or set a daily time. We had this, think a lot of people do. Think fully wfh people sometimes forget the energy that’s exerted in all ways during an in office day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good idea to call during the commute or set a daily time. We had this, think a lot of people do. Think fully wfh people sometimes forget the energy that’s exerted in all ways during an in office day.

And people who don't WFH don't understand the isolation. The idea that WFH is just an amazing experience is false. Full time WFH is really hard. Most people would find best with a flexible schedule and the option to WFH when needed, but also an office to go to.

I get why OP is annoyed but the lack of empathy for her partner is concerning. He's obviously talking to her because he isn't getting enough human interaction during the day, and it's making him lonely plus short-circuiting his social skills. OP is only looking at this from her perspective, like he's not a person with feelings and needs. They need to talk it out respectfully and find a compromise.

[Anonymous]

I agree with calling during the commute and letting him vent then. He doesn’t actually want you to solve his problems! Of course you can’t do anything about it. He just wants to talk about them.

Then when you get home try and get 15-30 min of relaxation before you have to do other things.

Dh works from home and I’m an overstimulated teacher. When I get home, however, I can’t rest I have to start cooking dinner for the family.
After dinner I sometimes look myself in my room for decompression time. Even if you can’t get it right away, try to make it happen. Even 15 minutes can help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is just a rant. But DH gets up when he wants, works in his bathrobe all day, and finishes whenever the work is done. I work 8-12 hr shifts, not including a 30 minute commute, at a very stressful job.

When I get home, I just want to be left alone. I'm usually hungry and just want to have something to eat and some quiet.

But no, DH needs to hit me with every problem the second I get home, before I can even eat. Then he gets angry because I don't want to talk about problems right then and says I don't care enough about whatever it is that is upsetting him that day (which is almost always something I can't do anything about anyway).

So basically, he ruins my evenings and I'm just mad about it. Sometimes I think about getting divorced just so I can go home and relax instead of having to evenings listening to him complain and then be expected to fix everything.

Sounds like you don't have kids? In that case, RUN!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just park one street over or sit in the driveway and white knuckle it until you can get past the dread of walking in the front door.

It’s pretty common.

Why live like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good idea to call during the commute or set a daily time. We had this, think a lot of people do. Think fully wfh people sometimes forget the energy that’s exerted in all ways during an in office day.

And people who don't WFH don't understand the isolation. The idea that WFH is just an amazing experience is false. Full time WFH is really hard. Most people would find best with a flexible schedule and the option to WFH when needed, but also an office to go to.

I get why OP is annoyed but the lack of empathy for her partner is concerning. He's obviously talking to her because he isn't getting enough human interaction during the day, and it's making him lonely plus short-circuiting his social skills. OP is only looking at this from her perspective, like he's not a person with feelings and needs. They need to talk it out respectfully and find a compromise.

My husband and I both WFH full-time and love it. But, I have a ton of friends and can get as much socialization as I want. For those people for whom being alone is hard, they need to come up with ways to solve their problem. If OP's husband is waking up whenever he wants then he could get up an hour earlier and go do a gym class, for example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with calling during the commute and letting him vent then. He doesn’t actually want you to solve his problems! Of course you can’t do anything about it. He just wants to talk about them.

Then when you get home try and get 15-30 min of relaxation before you have to do other things.

Dh works from home and I’m an overstimulated teacher. When I get home, however, I can’t rest I have to start cooking dinner for the family.
After dinner I sometimes look myself in my room for decompression time. Even if you can’t get it right away, try to make it happen. Even 15 minutes can help.

I'm sorry, what? Why?

[Anonymous]

LOL. Imagine the gender reversal and the responses here.

[Anonymous]

I have experienced similar--my job in office is a lot of interaction and pretty busy, I do a fair amount of travel as well, give public talks, fundraising,etc. DH works from home mostly writing and often has hours of free time in which to think, read, and hang out.. He is often eager to discuss things he's read and, I think, kind of lonely and misses social interaction, whereas I want to decompress. We talked about this delta and now the routine is that I come home, and hopefully we have figured out dinner in advance (who is doing what) and kid duty (driving). Sometimes I have a glass of wine, or a bath, or sometimes take a few minutes to change,and we have dinner, and then after dinner we set aside time to catch up on our days and discuss stuff. Sometimes I come home full of energy and want to talk, so we do, but he understands that just because I need a little down time does not mean I am not interested in his day or what's happening.

for the OP I can't tell if its just timing, or that you dont care, in general. The former you should be able to discuss calmly and find a solution, the latter is a bigger issue.

[Anonymous]

I am the opposite. I work from, but handle all of the family logistics (mornings with kid, school drop off and pick up which is a good distance away, shopping, Dr. & Vet visits etc.) and my wife works 7-530 in highly stressful role and wants to talk and ask me about my day / insight. I don’t care about work, have zero desire to discuss or think about it as other than money it has zero impact on my life. I have pretty demanding job as well. Wife likes to remind me how stressful her job and how “easy” mine is because I work from home even though that isn’t true.

I don’t understand spouses that hold animosity toward their WFH spouse because they work from home. What does OPs spouses day of sleeping in and wearing a robe have any impact on her job? Of all the things in life to be bitter / upset about, you choose to hold this over your spouse? This is a you issue and has nothing to do with your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me you are a healthcare provider without telling me you are a healthcare provider. This narcissistic approach of seeing your job as more important than his is toxic and would poison your life and marriage.

In truth, very few jobs have the ability to be nothing but constant demands for 8-12 hours straight, where routinely you are expected to delay going to the bathroom for hours while keeping people alive with minute to minute tasks. It may well tend to be toxic to outside relationships, but that's not just because the people who do the work are trying to mindf--k others in a power trip. It's just a very, very different type of work than anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me you are a healthcare provider without telling me you are a healthcare provider. This narcissistic approach of seeing your job as more important than his is toxic and would poison your life and marriage.

ha. I was going to suggest the same. DH is a physician and sounds like OP. I also work FT outside the home, but I come home, cook dinner, and engage with my family. DH gets a 45 min poop break to "decompress" every day. No, he's not saving lives all day -- he spends a lot of time at a computer reading images.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good idea to call during the commute or set a daily time. We had this, think a lot of people do. Think fully wfh people sometimes forget the energy that’s exerted in all ways during an in office day.

And people who don't WFH don't understand the isolation. The idea that WFH is just an amazing experience is false. Full time WFH is really hard.