A fair recovery checklist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave he is never, ever going to change. You can't change him. He doesn't want to change.

Leave.

+100000000000000000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure it’s only an emotional affair?

Yes, I felt something was wrong and I asked a number of times if they were seeing someone, I was having dreams about it. There was likely some sexting or video but them being in the same room wouldn’t be possible.

Ha! I am at your age and stage OP. Mine went to her place during the day-go figure!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your last kid is in high school he might just be biding his time to file. It may not be your decision alone to stay in the marriage. Don’t get caught flat-footed.

Agree! Mine definitely had been bidding his time to file-I just happened to discover his affair sooner and filed myself. My therapist told me if I let him file first, I will be even angrier!

[Anonymous]

Have your questions been answered?
Do you respect yourself?
Would you advise your kids to stay in the same position?
Did you give it your best effort?
Were you open and willing to be pleased?
Were you always honest ?
Is this a fulfilling relationship?
Do you see any possibility that this relationship can be fulfilling?
Does alone seem better than miserable?
Can you trust him again?
Does he show any real interest in you?
Is this a life you’re proud of?
Do I feel safe around this person?
How does it feel to be in my body when this person is around?
What is my motivation for staying/working on this relationship?
What does healing from this situation look like for me?
Is my effort toward reconciliation being matched/reciprocated?
Who do I feel safe discussion this situation with?

To the questions above, I would add:

Is my marriage the kind of marriage I want to model for my kids and for my kids to be in in the future?

Has he engaged in long term self-reflection in therapy on his own (not as a part of couples therapy)?

Has that self-reflection led to a better understanding of why he chose to be unfaithful?

Has he conveyed honestly to me the full nature of all infidelities and what were the underlying causes of the cheating?

Are the causes of the cheating that he identified causes that are inherent to him and within his own control or does he still place the blame for the cheating on something his spouse did or didn't do?

Is my spouse fully transparent with me, without my asking, and ready to stop and revisit affair aspects whenever I feel a need to or is he saying he deserves privacy and I have to stop bringing up the affair?

Does he work to earn my trust every day or does he complain that I can't trust him or that I should be over this by now?

Am I able to feel safe enough with this person to have a fully enthusiastic and sexually satisfying relationship moving forward with this person?


TBH, I went through a lot of the questions above, but my answer to the last one clinched it for me. I deserve to have a fully satisfying sex life. I can't have that when I don't feel safe with the other person, and when I don't trust the other person (which is really what the rest of the questions are about).

The question about my kids also clinched my decision to end the relationship. If my daughter came to me and described a relationship like the one I had with her dad, and asked me if she should stay, I would be heartbroken and would do anything to support her getting out. I would be similarly heartbroken if I discovered my son was doing to another woman what his dad did to me.

You framed another question as "does being alone seem better than being miserable". I think that is not quite the right way to look at it. I have chosen not to be in another relationship, and every day alone and without my cheating ex has been infinitely better, even when hard.

While I have chosen to be alone, the choice about how long to be alone and what kind of relationships I want is entirely mine. I look forward to dating one day and building other relationships (of whatever kind - marriage, partnership, situationship, flings, whatever) that are healthy and satisfying to me.

My life now and my kids' lives are infinitely better having split from their dad. Cheaters carry the toxic problems of cheating into other areas of their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is his check list? And you will never be able to trust him again. BTDT.

His checklist:

* Play down details of what actually went down.

* Lie.

* Be more discreet in the future. Don't get caught again.

[Anonymous]

"Am I able to feel safe enough with this person to have a fully enthusiastic and sexually satisfying relationship moving forward with this person?


TBH, I went through a lot of the questions above, but my answer to the last one clinched it for me. I deserve to have a fully satisfying sex life. I can't have that when I don't feel safe with the other person, and when I don't trust the other person (which is really what the rest of the questions are about)."

Hmm. Don't most women on DCUM who have been married 28 years say they're happy to no longer have sex with their husband? In light of that, I don't see why this matters for those women.

[Anonymous]

If I were OP, I'd want to do some work on myself and check in with myself about whether I'm making progress.

Has OP done a deep dive on the state of their marriage and what about it made her husband feel interested in another relationship? I'd be especially concerned about this being an emotional affair. To me, that says that their emotional relationship was not good. Sure, maybe she thought it was good. But she clearly missed something. Do they have different hopes and expectations and that is why they have a disconnect?

Also, it doesn't sound like OP's husband ever saw this as an exit affair. If not, what does that tell OP about what she and her husband each want from a partner? Was he filling a hole that OP refuses to fill?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were OP, I'd want to do some work on myself and check in with myself about whether I'm making progress.

Has OP done a deep dive on the state of their marriage and what about it made her husband feel interested in another relationship? I'd be especially concerned about this being an emotional affair. To me, that says that their emotional relationship was not good. Sure, maybe she thought it was good. But she clearly missed something. Do they have different hopes and expectations and that is why they have a disconnect?

Also, it doesn't sound like OP's husband ever saw this as an exit affair. If not, what does that tell OP about what she and her husband each want from a partner? Was he filling a hole that OP refuses to fill?

Such a wonderful cheater apologist.
If the OP were indeed that derelict the proper thing to do would have been to have a conversation, not immediately decamp for greener pastures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Am I able to feel safe enough with this person to have a fully enthusiastic and sexually satisfying relationship moving forward with this person?


TBH, I went through a lot of the questions above, but my answer to the last one clinched it for me. I deserve to have a fully satisfying sex life. I can't have that when I don't feel safe with the other person, and when I don't trust the other person (which is really what the rest of the questions are about)."

Hmm. Don't most women on DCUM who have been married 28 years say they're happy to no longer have sex with their husband? In light of that, I don't see why this matters for those women.

Please take your trauma to a therapist, or at least your own thread.