A fair recovery checklist
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Anonymous
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I’m putting this in my calendar as a check-in on the day that would be equal to the length of his emotional affair since I caught him. I was having physical symptoms while it was going on and I knew something was up but of course he just kept denying and lying.
I don’t think I’m missing anything but please take a look? Have your questions been answered? Do you respect yourself? Would you advise your kids to stay in the same position? Did you give it your best effort? Were you open and willing to be pleased? Were you always honest ? Is this a fulfilling relationship? Do you see any possibility that this relationship can be fulfilling? Does alone seem better than miserable? Can you trust him again? Does he show any real interest in you? Is this a life you’re proud of? |
Anonymous
| What is his check list? And you will never be able to trust him again. BTDT. |
Anonymous
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Here’s my checklist.
Leave. If you haven’t done it, do it. Done. |
Anonymous
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I think this is a great idea, OP. Your list seems comprehensive. I might suggest that you make periodic check-ins rather than waiting for the anniversary of the suck, depending on the length of time you're looking at. I'd review this weekly, if it were me, just to make sure things were on track.
A few I might add: Do I feel safe around this person? How does it feel to be in my body when this person is around? What is my motivation for staying/working on this relationship? What does healing from this situation look like for me? Is my effort toward reconciliation being matched/reciprocated? Who do I feel safe discussion this situation with? I wish you the best with your journey. Recovering from betrayal is possible, and it's a lot of work. Be gentle with yourself. |
Anonymous
| *discussing (or just read it in your best Sean Connery) |
Anonymous
| If he doesn’t appear remorseful I’d ignore everything else and pack my bags. Chump Lady has the right approach IMO. |
Anonymous
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How old are you and how long have been married? Kids? If no kids I would pack my bags today and leave today.
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Anonymous
28 years, three kids, one out of the house, one at college, one in high school school. |
Anonymous
| Are you sure it’s only an emotional affair? |
Anonymous
Yes, I felt something was wrong and I asked a number of times if they were seeing someone, I was having dreams about it. There was likely some sexting or video but them being in the same room wouldn’t be possible. |
Anonymous
Video and sexting isn’t a lower level of betrayal than in-person, especially since the only reason it didn’t happen was that they logistically couldn’t pull it off. I would personally leave because he kept denying it. If, when confronted, he said he felt enormous guilt and had been wanting to tell you, wanting to cut it off, but kept in the cycle of addiction/fear/ambiguity about what the least damaging next step would be, and then fessed up and said: I understand whatever it is you want to do, then I’d reconsider. But straight up gas lighting you… no. |
Anonymous
What’s with the weird OP and “they” stuff? |
Anonymous
Agree Asking the cheater questions is futile- you get lies, lies of omission, BS Making a check list for yourself is futile as well. Either coexist until the kids launch, or forget, get GTfO of there and stop wasting your time entirely. Certainly stop hemming & hawing if you can twist yourself into a pretzel more to single/handedly have a marital relationship with a cheater. |
Anonymous
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Leave he is never, ever going to change. You can't change him. He doesn't want to change.
Leave. |
Anonymous
| If your last kid is in high school he might just be biding his time to file. It may not be your decision alone to stay in the marriage. Don’t get caught flat-footed. |