What happens when you and your husband disagree about your lottery order?

[Anonymous]

My husband hated the aftercare at our original school so after much back-and-forth, I humored him by lotterying for a school I admired but thought we had no shot at, with an annoying commute compared to the school we were at (our IB, which I was very involved in and which we both loved, other than the aftercare.)

Somehow, lottery lightning struck and we got in. I would still recommend our original school to anyone. It is awesome and I've boosted it hard on this board.

But the new school is even more amazing than I'd expected. And the commute's not that bad.

So...my husband was...ugh...right. I will admit that here, anonymously, but hate it when he crows about it at home. Which he does, of course.

This won't really help you, probably, cause I'm not sure what the lesson is here, other than you really should rank in order of preference cause you never know.

Also: Husbands can, occasionally, be right. But you didn't hear that from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are working on our lottery list for first grade. We're looking for a school that will work for our family at least through 4th or 5th grade (though beyond is obviously a bonus). It's our first time seriously considering our school options (we've just been at our IB since PK3).

My husband and I are very egalitarian parents, and have been working together on research, went to EdFest together, and have now gone to 6 open houses with 3-4 more on the horizon, almost all together. We are generally very much on the same page about our priorities, and each of the schools we've seen, we've agreed upon where it should go on our list.

The most recent school we looked at we vastly disagree, and I'm honestly not sure how to move forward. Our assessment of the school is actually pretty similar. With regards to Priority A, we agree that it's actually the best of all the schools we've visited so far. But with regards to Priority B, we agree it's bad, basically at the bottom.

But the problem is that one of us thinks that it should essentially be off our list because Priority B makes it untenable. The other thinks that the issues with Priority B are surmountable, and because it's SO good at Priority A it should be near (or at) the top of our list.

I'm being vague on purpose, both in the names of the schools and the competing priorities, because I'm not interested in how other random internet people would prioritize this (though I'm happy to come back and post at the end of the discussion for the curious). I'm wondering how you handle actually making the decision as parents and partners. Have other people faced lottery order disagreement? How did you come to a resolution?

OP— is this the first time you and your partner have ever disagreed on something?? Because the answer is to handle it the same way you handle all the things about which you have significant disagreements. You listen to each other respectfully, communicate your concerns, and come to an understanding.

[Anonymous]

If you really can’t agree, go with the person who feels more strongly about the decision. The reason is if you go against that person, and you later realize the decision was a mistake, the other person will have an extremely hard time forgiving and forgetting.

[Anonymous]

Just do it your way and then move to Maryland anyway.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends if one of the priorities is something that will really impact one parent more or in which one parent has vastly more lived experience. Examples would be commute if the objecting parent is doing pick up/drop off or diversity if one parent is a POC.

Outside of that context, then I think it leaves the list. In the long term, the impact of being at a school one parent is opposed to is much greater than the impact of the 1/10 shot (or whatever) that you would have gotten in. Like, you probably won't get in any way. (Also, if you don't get into easier to get into schools then you'll know it didn't matter. So the potential impact -- you get into a reach school that you would have ranked below this choice -- is both unlikely & not that big a deal. All the schools you DON'T go to really don't impact your life.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you really can’t agree, go with the person who feels more strongly about the decision. The reason is if you go against that person, and you later realize the decision was a mistake, the other person will have an extremely hard time forgiving and forgetting.

Another thing to keep in mind is that even if a school ends up not being a good fit, you may be able to switch to another school.

We had this happen.

I was right, by the way, but it worked out in the end.

[Anonymous]

If he wants to keep it on the list, what is he willing to do to make it work? Handling more transportation, hiring private aftercare provider, arranging tutoring? And I agree with those who suggested ranking it lower than he would like.

[Anonymous]

So so curious what priority A and B are. Curricular? Commute? Screens?

One of the things I remember from my lottery experience is that some of the things I was worried about ended up being a non issue. The need to made a prediction about the future is very tricky, because our predictions are based on past information and will never be completely right.


Will you give us a hint?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hard to say without knowing Priorities A and B but if there's a 100% disagreement, then the parent who would be in charge of pickup/dropoff should get the tiebreaker.

FTR, my guess is that Priority B is commute.

+1 if Priority B is commute, then don’t have it in your list. A long commute is very draining.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like B is a dealbreaker for one parent so I think you have to accept that. There is only so much you can compromise. You can try to persuade them that B is not a dealbreaker or come up with workarounds to it, but I think you have to respect it in the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he wants to keep it on the list, what is he willing to do to make it work? Handling more transportation, hiring private aftercare provider, arranging tutoring? And I agree with those who suggested ranking it lower than he would like.

OP here - I think this is the answer. What is he willing to do to make it work? I'll take that angle the next time we talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he wants to keep it on the list, what is he willing to do to make it work? Handling more transportation, hiring private aftercare provider, arranging tutoring? And I agree with those who suggested ranking it lower than he would like.

OP here - I think this is the answer. What is he willing to do to make it work? I'll take that angle the next time we talk.

And he has to own it. Don't agree to this with giving him a near term deliverable so he can show you he is serious. Men love to say it will all work out, but what they mean is that their wife will deal with it.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I really appreciate the thoughts on this thread, they've been helpful. And I'll satisfy everyone's curiosity - folks were correct, Priority B is commute.

Priority A is essentially school quality - we're looking for low(er) screens, engaged kids, differentiation in the higher grades (3+) as much as possible, and a good curriculum.

The school in question is Inspired Teaching, and we have no car and live in Columbia Heights. Our current list, in order, is Ross, Garrison, John Lewis, EL Haynes, and as I said, we still have a bunch of schools to visit.

All four of these other schools are a short bus ride away, and are not far from the bus stop - commute for all three would be under 30 mins TOTAL (door to door, factoring in waiting on the bus, slowness of the children, etc), and we could actually walk to Garrison. And getting between school and work is also manageable (we both work hybrid with offices downtown).

Inspired Teaching is a HAUL. It's a longer bus ride (and somewhat circuitous as you're going around the hospital) and then when you get off the bus, it's an 11 minute walk for an adult, and on the way home, that'd be a steep uphill. 11 minutes doesn't sound awful, but twice a day, every day? With elementary schoolers? And probably four times a day for us (there and back)? We'd have to leave at least 45-50 minutes, possibly more, and it just sounds so unpleasant.

Husband thinks we can make it work. I don't, and would much rather have the kids at Garrison or John Lewis. We split drop offs and pickups as it stands now.

This post is identifying as all get-out but whatever.

[Anonymous]

Divorce.

[Anonymous]

Well, how much do you like ITDS middle compared to your other options? Because that's the real selling point IMO, if that's the kind of middle school you like. Elementary won't be much better than Ross and Garrison, can't speak to John Lewis.

I would not choose ITDS and I say that as a longtime ITDS parent who is well aware that some people like it enough to commute that far. Personally I would not do that.

Make your DH do a real test of the commute with at least one kid.