What happens when you and your husband disagree about your lottery order?
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Anonymous
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We are working on our lottery list for first grade. We're looking for a school that will work for our family at least through 4th or 5th grade (though beyond is obviously a bonus). It's our first time seriously considering our school options (we've just been at our IB since PK3).
My husband and I are very egalitarian parents, and have been working together on research, went to EdFest together, and have now gone to 6 open houses with 3-4 more on the horizon, almost all together. We are generally very much on the same page about our priorities, and each of the schools we've seen, we've agreed upon where it should go on our list. The most recent school we looked at we vastly disagree, and I'm honestly not sure how to move forward. Our assessment of the school is actually pretty similar. With regards to Priority A, we agree that it's actually the best of all the schools we've visited so far. But with regards to Priority B, we agree it's bad, basically at the bottom. But the problem is that one of us thinks that it should essentially be off our list because Priority B makes it untenable. The other thinks that the issues with Priority B are surmountable, and because it's SO good at Priority A it should be near (or at) the top of our list. I'm being vague on purpose, both in the names of the schools and the competing priorities, because I'm not interested in how other random internet people would prioritize this (though I'm happy to come back and post at the end of the discussion for the curious). I'm wondering how you handle actually making the decision as parents and partners. Have other people faced lottery order disagreement? How did you come to a resolution? |
Anonymous
| OP here. Maybe I should have posted in the relationship forum! |
Anonymous
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Hard to say without knowing Priorities A and B but if there's a 100% disagreement, then the parent who would be in charge of pickup/dropoff should get the tiebreaker.
FTR, my guess is that Priority B is commute. |
Anonymous
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Agree it might be good to think through the actual priorities.
But I also agree that commute is a big big deal and you can't discount it. |
Anonymous
| I think it depends on how these priorities play out over the years. Are you going to care about this 3 years from now? |
Anonymous
OP here - good question. Yes, both Priorities A and B will remain critical for the duration. |
Anonymous
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We have a partnership marriage and when we have 100% disagreement like this the person who feels most strongly wins, and it's usually because they have more at stake.
So if the issue is commute and one parent is going to be doing pickup/dropoff, they get the deciding vote. If the issue is diversity and one parent grew up the "only" Asian kid in their class and is adamant they don't want that for their kids, they get the deciding vote. If the issue is immersion and one parent is trying to maintain a tie to their ethnic heritage by keeping Spanish or Mandarin or Hebrew alive in the next generation, they get the deciding vote. Et cetera. |
Anonymous
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Going to be honest: this sounds like a truly exhausting way to live.
If you have extra spots I’d include it low on the list. |
Anonymous
OP here - re: your first sentence - what? You mean where you make active decisions together that impact your family? Like... what about this is an exhausting? I'm torn between being insulted and being curious here - like, how do you make decisions? I'm truly asking. I do think the idea of just putting it like mid-list is a reasonable compromise, but that makes it basically impossible that we'd end up there - there'd be schools above it we'd be much more likely to get into. I'm fine with it (I'm the one who thinks we should cross it off) but I don't know if that'll satisfy my husband. It's a potential path though. |
Anonymous
| It really does depend on what the priorities are. Let's say A is the quality of the school and feeder path and B is the commute. If the commute isn't reasonable, you will hate your life. I think it's ok with the person who would bear the brunt of the commute to veto. |
Anonymous
| I think it depends on if your DH's opinion is well-supported with research or if he's just going on vibes and what his buddy told him his buddy's wife thinks. |
Anonymous
| Ask yourself what the stakes are. For example is this an issue that you can address later? Say Spouse A wants to be at Cleveland for logistical reasons but Spouse B wants Mundo Verde for the DCI feed. Well, you can easily get into Mundo in a later year, so the long term rationale isn't really that compelling. |
Anonymous
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Rethink your priorities out loud and together as well as apart with these two lenses:
which school will suit your child's learning style better? Which schools are the easiest for your family to commute to? Also, if your kid has shown signs of autism, it's not usually a great idea to send them to an immersion school. Ask me how I know. |
Anonymous
| Each try to summarize the other person's position and rationale as fairly and accurately as possible. Even if you just do this yourself without him doing it too, it will help you. |
Anonymous
| Unpopular opinion but the person who went to the better college should get the dealbreaker. |