cannot get brother to do anything re: estate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I guess I'm glad to know this is not atypical, but its painful for me, I am the kind of person who just wants to get annoying things over with (I definitely procrastinate with writing and with returning phone calls, so I am not perfect by any means).

at one point we were co-trustees and my mom changed it to just me, mostly because I had taken over really all her affairs, so I am grateful for that, because this would be so painful otherwise. I will probably make my husband the main trustee--I had not done that only because he is my successor trustee for everything else, and I wanted to keep my family's assets separate, and also he's pretty disorganized as well. I guess I just can't die young. Off to the gym!

Id say it has only been two months. that is not that long. took us a year to close my mothers estate and I was the executor. 10 years late my dad died and were both were named. My sister was and still is furious with me that I moved slower. I just did. I didn't need the money (neither did she). There were lots of decisions I needed to make about where to put this money I didn't need. Tax implications (we lived in a different states) that were worse for me. It was just tough closing out everything my dad worked for. sometimes taking the money made me feel guilty - like sad he didnt get to go on all those trips he talked about.

She pushed and pushed and pushed me. And not we do not talk. I made a lot of financial mistakes because I wasnt prepared and just made me feel like I wasted my dads hard earned $. It is emotionally harder than you think.

I do not think two months is that long. if he has never done these things it can be overwhelming.

It's kind of amazing when people are like, "I don't need this money but I need to make sure I pay the smallest amount of taxes possible on it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I guess I'm glad to know this is not atypical, but its painful for me, I am the kind of person who just wants to get annoying things over with (I definitely procrastinate with writing and with returning phone calls, so I am not perfect by any means).

at one point we were co-trustees and my mom changed it to just me, mostly because I had taken over really all her affairs, so I am grateful for that, because this would be so painful otherwise. I will probably make my husband the main trustee--I had not done that only because he is my successor trustee for everything else, and I wanted to keep my family's assets separate, and also he's pretty disorganized as well. I guess I just can't die young. Off to the gym!

Id say it has only been two months. that is not that long. took us a year to close my mothers estate and I was the executor. 10 years late my dad died and were both were named. My sister was and still is furious with me that I moved slower. I just did. I didn't need the money (neither did she). There were lots of decisions I needed to make about where to put this money I didn't need. Tax implications (we lived in a different states) that were worse for me. It was just tough closing out everything my dad worked for. sometimes taking the money made me feel guilty - like sad he didnt get to go on all those trips he talked about.

She pushed and pushed and pushed me. And not we do not talk. I made a lot of financial mistakes because I wasnt prepared and just made me feel like I wasted my dads hard earned $. It is emotionally harder than you think.

I do not think two months is that long. if he has never done these things it can be overwhelming.

It's kind of amazing when people are like, "I don't need this money but I need to make sure I pay the smallest amount of taxes possible on it."

Can you tell us why you think this is amazing? Is there a reason to not pay lower taxes if you legally can?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom passed 2 months ago. I am the executor (and also was her primary caretaker for the past 4 years, moved her out to near me, took over all her affairs, dealt with her property, medical, etc, etc). I know my brother does not work on the same timeline that I do but getting him to do anything is like pulling teeth. And these are things that benefit him!

One example: there's a POD account with Bank of America. All he has to do is walk into the bank with the form I've filled out and sent him, show his id to them and they will distribute the account to both of us. It's been 3 weeks since I sent him the form, and there are plenty of branches near him. Another example, there's a Roth account via fidelity that is split between us. I've claimed my share, but he has yet to call back the 'life transitions' coordinator, who has reached out to him 3-4 x, He has a fidelity account. It's a 15 minute phone call tops.

I'm trying to wrap up some of these smaller things so I can close out the estate and I need him to do a few other relatively minor pieces of paperwork as well. He works at the same job that he's worked at for 25 years, with no travel, lives alone (no kids, partner or pets), and meanwhile I'm juggling estate stuff, teens, my job etc. I mean, I kind of understand why he has never been able to maintain a normal romantic relationship, this would absolutely drive any partner crazy, I guess...but its selective, He clearly has done very well at work and does his job without issue.

I am also really rethinking my brother's role in a small inherited asset trust for my kids. If I kick the bucket, my inherited money will go to my kids (we have a blended family), and I put my brother as the trustee if they are still minors, but honestly his lack of any kind of action gives me pause.

We get along fine, we chat, there's no animosity, but when I ask him he keeps saying he's been busy, sick, he'll get to it this week, etc, or he takes a week to call me back. I'm not really sure what to do.

There could be any number of reasons that he's acting this way, but bottom line - he's not going to do this stuff. Take a day or two and line up the things that need to be done and go with him and get it over with.

And change the executor of your children's trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I guess I'm glad to know this is not atypical, but its painful for me, I am the kind of person who just wants to get annoying things over with (I definitely procrastinate with writing and with returning phone calls, so I am not perfect by any means).

at one point we were co-trustees and my mom changed it to just me, mostly because I had taken over really all her affairs, so I am grateful for that, because this would be so painful otherwise. I will probably make my husband the main trustee--I had not done that only because he is my successor trustee for everything else, and I wanted to keep my family's assets separate, and also he's pretty disorganized as well. I guess I just can't die young. Off to the gym!

Id say it has only been two months. that is not that long. took us a year to close my mothers estate and I was the executor. 10 years late my dad died and were both were named. My sister was and still is furious with me that I moved slower. I just did. I didn't need the money (neither did she). There were lots of decisions I needed to make about where to put this money I didn't need. Tax implications (we lived in a different states) that were worse for me. It was just tough closing out everything my dad worked for. sometimes taking the money made me feel guilty - like sad he didnt get to go on all those trips he talked about.

She pushed and pushed and pushed me. And not we do not talk. I made a lot of financial mistakes because I wasnt prepared and just made me feel like I wasted my dads hard earned $. It is emotionally harder than you think.

I do not think two months is that long. if he has never done these things it can be overwhelming.

It's kind of amazing when people are like, "I don't need this money but I need to make sure I pay the smallest amount of taxes possible on it."

Can you tell us why you think this is amazing? Is there a reason to not pay lower taxes if you legally can?

I did eye roll at this response. If I was this posters sister i wouldnt talk to her either.

Op, you need to check on your brother. He is grieving and maybe not taking the death as well as you think. I know someone else like this and also had to make a similar decision regarding my kids. I left my kids finances up to responsible friends until they are of age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you. I am the executor of my parent's estate but we also have trusts where I am a co trustee with my siblings. At least one of them frequently will delay signing things. not because they disagree with the action, but because they are just so important they can't be bothered taking the time to sign something and send it back in. This includes when I have offered to send a mobile notary to their house and when our advisors send them UPS pre-addressed and paid to send things back! It is v irritating because I do all of the work but often can't finalize things without their signatures. We started out as co-executors but that was such a problem our attorney basically insisted they resign because they weren't acting fast enough. Their lack of signing in a timely fashion often results in ME having to rush things against deadlines and ask for extensions.

It is extremely irritating.

I’m so sorry. My sibling is doing the same with something. I finally said that I guess we will lose the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I guess I'm glad to know this is not atypical, but its painful for me, I am the kind of person who just wants to get annoying things over with (I definitely procrastinate with writing and with returning phone calls, so I am not perfect by any means).

at one point we were co-trustees and my mom changed it to just me, mostly because I had taken over really all her affairs, so I am grateful for that, because this would be so painful otherwise. I will probably make my husband the main trustee--I had not done that only because he is my successor trustee for everything else, and I wanted to keep my family's assets separate, and also he's pretty disorganized as well. I guess I just can't die young. Off to the gym!

Does your sibling have to sign things before you can get your share of the trust?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my very ADHD (and autistic) son. Time means nothing to him, even for urgent matters. He is incapable of multitasking. The only thing that works is nagging. Do you think that will work for your brother?

[Anonymous]

He may not even realize that he’s being selfish. So yell at him. Be very blunt. He needs to hear how much he is messing things up for you. Blow your top that you’re underwater with responsibilities plus trying to clear things up for the estate and he has 3 simple tasks that will lighten the load immensely if he’d just make the time to do them this week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No advice, but empathy here. I have a relative who is an executor for a grandparent’s estate who has almost finished the estate, but still has one large account just sitting for over 5 years. Cousins have asked him to distribute it, but he just ignores all communications. One cousin has said that she thinks he’s hoping the rest of us will forget about it and he’ll just take it for himself.

So at least your brother’s lack of action is mainly harming him, not you.

5 years is too long. The other cousins need to hire a lawyer.

Yes, you’re right that it is too long. One of us talked to a lawyer to get an idea of how to approach this. Unfortunately, the expense of the lawyer is not worth the amount we’d all be getting when this account is distributed. So for now we just keep sending emails. None of us *need* the money, but it would certainly be nice to have.

We’ve actually wondered out loud if the executor could be charged with theft if he just up and takes the money out of the account and keeps it for himself.

[Anonymous]

slightly different situation here, but I asked my sister for help when we were moving my mom to a nursing home and she was supposed to come over adn then cancelled. And now never asks about her. LIke WTF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you perhaps make an appointment with him? Like a 3 way call with fidelity guy, or an appointment for you to video call him when he goes to the bank? This might work if he's just forgetful and a procrastinator and always figures he'll do it later.

This. It’s way too much hand holding for a grown man, but it would get it done. Also he might be a little embarrassed by this and will just do it.

[Anonymous]

1. Try giving him a deadline. “Brad, I need you to get the paperwork at BOA done by Friday. Can you do that?”

2. Let him know he’s being an ahole. “Brad, I have a lot on my plate getting Mom’s estate closed out. I’ve asked you to do two things that will take less than an hour. Why can’t you handle that?”

3. If the above 2 don’t work, start having the estate attorney’s office follow up with him.

4. Get him off of any role on your/your kids’ trusts. He’s shown you who he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, I guess I'm glad to know this is not atypical, but its painful for me, I am the kind of person who just wants to get annoying things over with (I definitely procrastinate with writing and with returning phone calls, so I am not perfect by any means).

at one point we were co-trustees and my mom changed it to just me, mostly because I had taken over really all her affairs, so I am grateful for that, because this would be so painful otherwise. I will probably make my husband the main trustee--I had not done that only because he is my successor trustee for everything else, and I wanted to keep my family's assets separate, and also he's pretty disorganized as well. I guess I just can't die young. Off to the gym!


Id say it has only been two months. that is not that long. took us a year to close my mothers estate and I was the executor. 10 years late my dad died and were both were named. My sister was and still is furious with me that I moved slower. I just did. I didn't need the money (neither did she). There were lots of decisions I needed to make about where to put this money I didn't need. Tax implications (we lived in a different states) that were worse for me. It was just tough closing out everything my dad worked for. sometimes taking the money made me feel guilty - like sad he didnt get to go on all those trips he talked about.

She pushed and pushed and pushed me. And not we do not talk. I made a lot of financial mistakes because I wasnt prepared and just made me feel like I wasted my dads hard earned $. It is emotionally harder than you think.

I do not think two months is that long. if he has never done these things it can be overwhelming.

OP here, well the thing is that he doesn't have to do much at all. He has to take one piece of paper to the bank with an ID and he has to call a brokerage to transfer his shares. Both of these are for him to get some money, the latter doesn't hold me up at all, but the brokerage coordinator was calling me asking about why my sibling hadn't been in contact.... I am doing the rest of the estate, all the legal work, selling the house (I already cleared it out, etc), distributions to other beneficiaries, paid final bills, will pay final and estate taxes (and I had done all her care, finances for the past 4 years), and I also organized the memorial service start to finish. I fully expect things will take a year, but when my portion is 98% and his is 2% its a little frustrating.

Anyway, I had a call with him and gently encouraged him to get it done and he finally did go to the bank and have his signaturen notarized and he did call and get his portion of the brokerage. He does not have ADHD, but we've long suspected he is on the autism spectrum so I have to remind myself that being very direct with him is the key to getting him to act, eventually. But I will change the trustee on my kid's trust. My sibling is honest and I trust him to do the right thing, but not necessarily do it when it needs to be done.

[Anonymous]

Keep good records of all the time you are spending on the estate. You can claim an executor’s fee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He may not even realize that he’s being selfish. So yell at him. Be very blunt. He needs to hear how much he is messing things up for you. Blow your top that you’re underwater with responsibilities plus trying to clear things up for the estate and he has 3 simple tasks that will lighten the load immensely if he’d just make the time to do them this week.

Terrible advice. She describes someone attached to routine who likely deals with a lot of anxiety or other mental health issues and cannot cope. The worst thing you can do is "blow your top"/"yell at him." The best thing you do is deal with reality. He cannot cope. Do not push him over the edge. Either hold his hand or see if you can hire someone to do this all.