cannot get brother to do anything re: estate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, I guess I'm glad to know this is not atypical, but its painful for me, I am the kind of person who just wants to get annoying things over with (I definitely procrastinate with writing and with returning phone calls, so I am not perfect by any means).

at one point we were co-trustees and my mom changed it to just me, mostly because I had taken over really all her affairs, so I am grateful for that, because this would be so painful otherwise. I will probably make my husband the main trustee--I had not done that only because he is my successor trustee for everything else, and I wanted to keep my family's assets separate, and also he's pretty disorganized as well. I guess I just can't die young. Off to the gym!


Id say it has only been two months. that is not that long. took us a year to close my mothers estate and I was the executor. 10 years late my dad died and were both were named. My sister was and still is furious with me that I moved slower. I just did. I didn't need the money (neither did she). There were lots of decisions I needed to make about where to put this money I didn't need. Tax implications (we lived in a different states) that were worse for me. It was just tough closing out everything my dad worked for. sometimes taking the money made me feel guilty - like sad he didnt get to go on all those trips he talked about.

She pushed and pushed and pushed me. And not we do not talk. I made a lot of financial mistakes because I wasnt prepared and just made me feel like I wasted my dads hard earned $. It is emotionally harder than you think.

I do not think two months is that long. if he has never done these things it can be overwhelming.

OP here, well the thing is that he doesn't have to do much at all. He has to take one piece of paper to the bank with an ID and he has to call a brokerage to transfer his shares. Both of these are for him to get some money, the latter doesn't hold me up at all, but the brokerage coordinator was calling me asking about why my sibling hadn't been in contact.... I am doing the rest of the estate, all the legal work, selling the house (I already cleared it out, etc), distributions to other beneficiaries, paid final bills, will pay final and estate taxes (and I had done all her care, finances for the past 4 years), and I also organized the memorial service start to finish. I fully expect things will take a year, but when my portion is 98% and his is 2% its a little frustrating.

Anyway, I had a call with him and gently encouraged him to get it done and he finally did go to the bank and have his signaturen notarized and he did call and get his portion of the brokerage. He does not have ADHD, but we've long suspected he is on the autism spectrum so I have to remind myself that being very direct with him is the key to getting him to act, eventually. But I will change the trustee on my kid's trust. My sibling is honest and I trust him to do the right thing, but not necessarily do it when it needs to be done.

I’m glad that the phone call helped and he finally did those two things. It’s hard being the one who does so much. Your parents were lucky to have you and so is your brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep good records of all the time you are spending on the estate. You can claim an executor’s fee.

Be careful with doing that and run the numbers first. You could actually end up with less than you think because you’ll have to pay income tax on funds you receive as an executor’s fee. If you just all take equal shares as heirs, you won’t have to pay income tax on it.

[Anonymous]

You're describing this as though you're calling him to ask him to do stuff. I wonder if a written checklist might work better.

I'm not saying anyone in my family operates better if tasks are broken down into tiny steps so he can get the endorphin rush of checking things off, and I'm certainly not saying that doing this for another adult is especially exasperating when the recipient of such checklists is always so full of unsolicited life advice in every other situation.

I'm just saying that sometimes I want closure more than anything, and I'd rather be happy than be right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I guess I'm glad to know this is not atypical, but its painful for me, I am the kind of person who just wants to get annoying things over with (I definitely procrastinate with writing and with returning phone calls, so I am not perfect by any means).

at one point we were co-trustees and my mom changed it to just me, mostly because I had taken over really all her affairs, so I am grateful for that, because this would be so painful otherwise. I will probably make my husband the main trustee--I had not done that only because he is my successor trustee for everything else, and I wanted to keep my family's assets separate, and also he's pretty disorganized as well. I guess I just can't die young. Off to the gym!

Id say it has only been two months. that is not that long. took us a year to close my mothers estate and I was the executor. 10 years late my dad died and were both were named. My sister was and still is furious with me that I moved slower. I just did. I didn't need the money (neither did she). There were lots of decisions I needed to make about where to put this money I didn't need. Tax implications (we lived in a different states) that were worse for me. It was just tough closing out everything my dad worked for. sometimes taking the money made me feel guilty - like sad he didnt get to go on all those trips he talked about.

She pushed and pushed and pushed me. And not we do not talk. I made a lot of financial mistakes because I wasnt prepared and just made me feel like I wasted my dads hard earned $. It is emotionally harder than you think.

I do not think two months is that long. if he has never done these things it can be overwhelming.

Move cash to HYSA accounts.

TRansfer stocks to a brokerage you open if you can't make the decision to liquidate right away.

Real estate is harder. But what OP is describing is not hard.

[Anonymous]

So sorry for the loss of your mother OP. 💔

It has only been a few mos., perhaps your brother is in the midst of his grief and just cannot deal with stuff like this right now.
Or maybe he just doesn’t think it is high on his priority list at the moment…..you just may have to keep reminding him until he gets tired of hearing about it and does what he needs to do.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I like to get things done too but after a parents death it took me a few weeks to get started. 2 months isn’t the end of the world. I agree grief is a big part of this. Your brother may need time to think through the financial implications or may not understand which is hard when you are sad. Check in and make a list.