What does your low-contact with LOCAL parents actually look like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup, that's it. Dinner out. Or lunch.

For me it looks like keypad locks so we can easily change the code whenever we need to. And they are blocked from all our kids' phones and we never tell them anything about our schedule, at all.

Thanks. So far we haven’t even thought to block the kids’ phones because she rarely reaches out. But now that I’m thinking of it, she does occasionally send them really vague texts, like a GIF or a handful of words, and they don’t respond. Now I’m wondering if she does this just to see if that line of communication is still there. Now I am wondering what I should do about that, and if it would be best to block.

Can't your teenage kids decide that one for themselves? I had a parent go no contact with their local parent. I was annoyed at both parties.

[Anonymous]

I live half an hour away from my parents. I see them 4 times a year, away from the house, and take them out to dinner. Just me, and we leave my husbands and kids out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup, that's it. Dinner out. Or lunch.

For me it looks like keypad locks so we can easily change the code whenever we need to. And they are blocked from all our kids' phones and we never tell them anything about our schedule, at all.

Thanks. So far we haven’t even thought to block the kids’ phones because she rarely reaches out. But now that I’m thinking of it, she does occasionally send them really vague texts, like a GIF or a handful of words, and they don’t respond. Now I’m wondering if she does this just to see if that line of communication is still there. Now I am wondering what I should do about that, and if it would be best to block.

Can't your teenage kids decide that one for themselves? I had a parent go no contact with their local parent. I was annoyed at both parties.

Can’t you go back and read the second paragraph again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live half an hour away from my parents. I see them 4 times a year, away from the house, and take them out to dinner. Just me, and we leave my husbands and kids out of it.

Do you ever get over that feeling of “I wish things could be normal”. I just wish I had normal parents. I wish my husband could have normal ILs. I wish my kids could have normal grandparents. Especially around the holiday, you see so much “normal” and grieve that you’ll never have that, and never did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup, that's it. Dinner out. Or lunch.

For me it looks like keypad locks so we can easily change the code whenever we need to. And they are blocked from all our kids' phones and we never tell them anything about our schedule, at all.

Thanks. So far we haven’t even thought to block the kids’ phones because she rarely reaches out. But now that I’m thinking of it, she does occasionally send them really vague texts, like a GIF or a handful of words, and they don’t respond. Now I’m wondering if she does this just to see if that line of communication is still there. Now I am wondering what I should do about that, and if it would be best to block.

Can't your teenage kids decide that one for themselves? I had a parent go no contact with their local parent. I was annoyed at both parties.

Can’t you go back and read the second paragraph again?

If they want to block her, they know how. Proactively suggesting it when the contact is already pretty limited seems a bit much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live half an hour away from my parents. I see them 4 times a year, away from the house, and take them out to dinner. Just me, and we leave my husbands and kids out of it.

Do you ever get over that feeling of “I wish things could be normal”. I just wish I had normal parents. I wish my husband could have normal ILs. I wish my kids could have normal grandparents. Especially around the holiday, you see so much “normal” and grieve that you’ll never have that, and never did.

I think very few people have healthy. Especially as parents age. Just do a search on videos of daughters taking care of their elderly moms and having to hear abusive words all the time. Or the reverse where elderly moms have to put up with verbal or even physical abuse because they can't defend themselves. Lower expectations and have higher expectations for yourself.

[Anonymous]

My mother lives 3 blocks from me and in a year we speak in total about 2 hours. We see her at Christmas and if by chance she stops by maybe once a year for 20 minutes.

My adult dd's don't communicate with her and she doesn't call them either.

Im cordial when I see her but it is fake on both sides and if I never seen her again I wouldn't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother lives 3 blocks from me and in a year we speak in total about 2 hours. We see her at Christmas and if by chance she stops by maybe once a year for 20 minutes.

My adult dd's don't communicate with her and she doesn't call them either.

Im cordial when I see her but it is fake on both sides and if I never seen her again I wouldn't care.

What led to this, or did you just grow apart?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you gave good reasons for what you want to do.
You are teaching your kid how to treat you in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live half an hour away from my parents. I see them 4 times a year, away from the house, and take them out to dinner. Just me, and we leave my husbands and kids out of it.

Do you ever get over that feeling of “I wish things could be normal”. I just wish I had normal parents. I wish my husband could have normal ILs. I wish my kids could have normal grandparents. Especially around the holiday, you see so much “normal” and grieve that you’ll never have that, and never did.

Not really. I can only control myself, not my parents, so this is the solution I landed upon. Lats time my kids saw their grandparents they (may parents) got into a physical brawl with each other that included biting. Yes, these are supposedly mentally able adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you gave good reasons for what you want to do.
You are teaching your kid how to treat you in the future.

I don't recall OP asking for advice on whether to go low contact. Just asking what it looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother lives 3 blocks from me and in a year we speak in total about 2 hours. We see her at Christmas and if by chance she stops by maybe once a year for 20 minutes.

My adult dd's don't communicate with her and she doesn't call them either.

Im cordial when I see her but it is fake on both sides and if I never seen her again I wouldn't care.

What led to this, or did you just grow apart?

We were never close as a child i lived with my grandparents because my mother chose a partner who was abusive and went on to have 5 other kids with. She never attended anything for school or took me to doctors appointments. But did everything for my siblings including joining the pta. Even as an adult she would have bbq's and not invite me or my family but my siblings and partners were there.As I grew older she never put in the effort to be a real part of my or my children's life. When she does call its to tell me about herself or bad mouth a sibling. This past Christmas she invited every one over including my sister who she talks badly about but excluded us. She came over Christmas day forc20 minute's and the 1st thing she did was to talk about my sister and haw she acted and the things she said about me while she was intoxicated.

So I keep her at arms length.

I will say im thankful because I learned all the things not to do/say or act with my daughters and have close relationships with all 3 dd's because of her toxicity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live half an hour away from my parents. I see them 4 times a year, away from the house, and take them out to dinner. Just me, and we leave my husbands and kids out of it.

Do you ever get over that feeling of “I wish things could be normal”. I just wish I had normal parents. I wish my husband could have normal ILs. I wish my kids could have normal grandparents. Especially around the holiday, you see so much “normal” and grieve that you’ll never have that, and never did.

I am in the same boat as are many people, I can imagine. It hurts even more when you can remember a time when the interactions were your version of normal. You can create and change the narrative with future generations or by building a whole new normal in the present. Never say never.

[Anonymous]

"because she rarely reaches out"

OP, first you say it's a problem, then you say it's rare.

[Anonymous]

To answer the OPs questions, it really depends on the intensity of the person you are going low contact with and how your kids feel. We have a crazy aunt who is truly a narcissistic , emotionally stunted nut case. We tried low contact but that didn’t work as she only intensified her crazy towards us because we lived close enough to her.

Our cousins live several hours away. They simply don’t return calls and keep hush about any event or party going on. She did try an unannounced pop in with SIL once but SIL quickly told her they were getting ready to leave for the weekend. She quickly packed up the kids stuff, loaded up the car and left for her in laws house which was nearby deflecting aunts attempts to tag along. Aunt had to drive back another 4 hours so that fixed that problem for SIL.

We live very close and there is very little cost to the aunt for her bad behavior. No matter what we tried, politely explaining, grey rock, being direct she constantly kept badgering the kids, showing up at our house and throwing nasty fits when we said no. We had to block her on the kids phone. We never answer the door when she shows up. We never respond when she tries texting from a different number or emailing from a different account. Having her out of our lives is a joy and relief!

For your teenagers, block her on their phones or simply tell your teens it’s fine to block her. They know how to do this. If she isn’t going to intensely pursue your family, then keep things very arms length. Send a Christmas and birthday card. Be polite if you see her at family events. If you feel you must see her, take her out to lunch. Bring cash so if you need to get up and leave you can take care of the bill. Give the waiter a tip on the way out if you think she’ll stiff them.