What does your low-contact with LOCAL parents actually look like?

[Anonymous]

For those who live locally to parents they are very low contact with, what does that relationship actually look like in practice? For various reasons I won’t get into, full no-contact isn’t on the table right now. There’s no immediate need for it. But I’m struggling to picture what a sustainable low-contact relationship looks like long-term.

My husband and teenagers do not want a relationship with my parents, and I respect that. They’re done with the awkwardness and emotional labor of pretending things are normal. This question is about me and my parents only.

This was the first year I didn’t see my parents for my birthday, Thanksgiving, or Christmas. It felt strange to me, but it was peaceful for my husband and kids, and I could see that becoming permanent. That said, if we’re not sharing holidays or family time, what is the relationship?

My mother is a perpetual victim and my father enables her. Phone calls often go sideways. The only reliably tolerable interaction is an occasional dinner out, since they behave better in public, but that’s not something I want my husband or kids involved in. So is that essentially it? Occasional meals out? No holidays? No time at anyone’s house?

For those who’ve made this work, how did you come to terms with it emotionally, and what does your actual contact look like? I’m in therapy and understand I have no obligation to maintain a relationship. I’m not looking for permission, just perspective on what low contact realistically looks like when you live nearby.

[Anonymous]

Nothing prepares you for the moment you realize you don’t miss your parents.

[Anonymous]

Yup, that's it. Dinner out. Or lunch.

For me it looks like keypad locks so we can easily change the code whenever we need to. And they are blocked from all our kids' phones and we never tell them anything about our schedule, at all.

[Anonymous]

Do they contact you? I don't have an answer, but probably will just grey rock them, limit conversations to non-personal topics, sports, local news, weather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup, that's it. Dinner out. Or lunch.

For me it looks like keypad locks so we can easily change the code whenever we need to. And they are blocked from all our kids' phones and we never tell them anything about our schedule, at all.

Thanks. So far we haven’t even thought to block the kids’ phones because she rarely reaches out. But now that I’m thinking of it, she does occasionally send them really vague texts, like a GIF or a handful of words, and they don’t respond. Now I’m wondering if she does this just to see if that line of communication is still there. Now I am wondering what I should do about that, and if it would be best to block.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they contact you? I don't have an answer, but probably will just grey rock them, limit conversations to non-personal topics, sports, local news, weather.

Occasionally. But I’m not really reaching out anymore, so it’s mainly them reaching out.

[Anonymous]

Good grief. More NC threads. Use the search function people.

[Anonymous]

DCUM must have more low and no contact families than I’ve ever come into contact with in real life. It’s sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good grief. More NC threads. Use the search function people.

I did search but didn’t find anything related to my specific question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM must have more low and no contact families than I’ve ever come into contact with in real life. It’s sad.

It’s actually peaceful. Be thankful you can’t relate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good grief. More NC threads. Use the search function people.

I did search but didn’t find anything related to my specific question.

Ignore that nutball who is always worked up when people talk about their abusive parents and why they choose NC, or low contact, this nutball thinks parents can do no wrong. Must be a crazy parent whose child cut him/her off and is now taking his anger on DCUM, very sad person. Just ignore it.

No adult children will choose NC or low contact with parents unless it is necessary to do so to protect their own well-being. Seems like your parents have not caused any issue since the low contact? Are you worried they might based on past experiences?

[Anonymous]

It looks like her texting me wanting time with the kids. Then I text back offering a coffee date with just me, to assess her state of mind. Then she responds angrily or not at all. After a few months, this happens again.

It also looks like her being on the no-pickup list at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good grief. More NC threads. Use the search function people.

I did search but didn’t find anything related to my specific question.

Ignore that nutball who is always worked up when people talk about their abusive parents and why they choose NC, or low contact, this nutball thinks parents can do no wrong. Must be a crazy parent whose child cut him/her off and is now taking his anger on DCUM, very sad person. Just ignore it.

No adult children will choose NC or low contact with parents unless it is necessary to do so to protect their own well-being. Seems like your parents have not caused any issue since the low contact? Are you worried they might based on past experiences?

Thanks. I definitely didn’t get to this place easily, and it’s not exactly pleasurable to accept that your parents are so toxic that the only way of maintaining contact is at arms length.

I’m just trying to come to terms with the finality of this, and what it eventually looks like. I gusss what you’re saying is it will look exactly like this, and that’s not terrible! I hope they don’t escalate, but it’s too soon to tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It looks like her texting me wanting time with the kids. Then I text back offering a coffee date with just me, to assess her state of mind. Then she responds angrily or not at all. After a few months, this happens again.

It also looks like her being on the no-pickup list at school.

They have never been! This has been a long time coming…

[Anonymous]

I stopped picking up the phone when they call.
I don't reply to texts.
Occasionally I attend an event where there are other family members. I don't initiate visits or events ever.

The calls get less and less frequent. One day they will pass away and then it will be really done.

Sounds cruel but it is necessary.

I am at peace.