5th grader with no friends
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Anonymous
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Some kids can just be very flat. Not a lot of talking or really much to add to a lot of situations. They just sort of lurk in groups. I have a boy and a girl and I see it in both genders really. Lurkers. What have you observed yourself when you see him in a group? What is he doing?
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Anonymous
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Adding to post above, my son goes to a social group and he is by far the most talkative one there. So in a group of kids like himself he is able to shine. But in a group of "cool kids" he totally clams up.
I found two neighbor boys who attend different schools but get along well with him and I reallllly courted the moms to keep the friendships going. My son at least has those two boys. |
Anonymous
| I am in favor of public. Much more kids to choose from so probability wise they can be better. |
Anonymous
Stfu then |
Anonymous
| Public schools have more non-neurotypical kids than privates. I don't think you should switch schools though. |
Anonymous
| If your son is happy and not worried about lack of close friends, then I wouldn’t worry about it either. Making friends in hard in middle school, and you don’t always find your people. It sounds like you have really done your best to help him foster relationships with his peers, and it sounds like he is doing fine in school. I would stop worrying unless he himself is concerned and wants to have closer friends. |
Anonymous
| Dd is in 6th grade and has adhd. She has friends at school and gets a few birthday invites a year but that's it. To me she appears pretty immature even when medicated. However, she does great with younger kids and has made a lot of young friends through sports this way. For now, shes happy with this setup. |
Anonymous
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DS is neurotypical but his passion is math and he is more studious. He plays rec sports and is conversant in athletic conversations, ie he can talk football and basketball and baseball with the more athletic kids while nerding out with the more academic kids. He has one or two good friends and seems happy with the depth of his relationships with other kids at school.
His closest friends are kids in Scouts with him. He has played rec sports since he was 5 and made 0 friends. He has attended school with the same group of kids, a smaller public school, and gets along fine with everyone. But the kids who are invited over and who he hangs out with are kids from school and Scouts. His friends who play travel sports have good friends that are on the team but those kids are together more and have more down time at tournaments and the like then kids playing rec sports. Find an activity that he likes that meets on a year round basis and has time for socializing. Kids don’t have a ton of time at school to socialize. Rec sports tend not to have time for socializing. Most activities are focused on the activity and run for a short window of time, they don’t give kids a chance to get to know each other. Scouts, 4H, religious youth groups, Saturday language schools all give kids time to get to know each other as well as do whatever activity. Our school had a language immersion program, the kids from outside the boundary didn’t really hang out a ton with the neighborhood kids because it took more effort. Some of those out of boundary kids have struggled at MS because the kids they went to ES with are not kids they really bonded with and they didn’t get to know their neighborhood kids because they were at different schools. Choosing to put your kid in a school where there are fewer opportunities to grow bonds developing at school is only making the social issues more challenging. But you know that. |
Anonymous
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OP, this was DD all through upper ES/MS. It was tough to watch. We did the same socia skills class and same results.
We just kept at it and for a few years I was her ‘bestie’. We did a lot together while still trying to find new groups to practice social skills with her peers. One thing that helped the most was volunteering with animals and younger kids. This was pre Covid and one shelter had read to cats program (DC is also dyslexic). Then she started volunteering with kids 2-4 grades younger and this bolstered her confidence. Fast forward and at the end of HS she has friends and is doing great. Certainly not a social butterfly, but 2 or 3 really good friends and a larger casual circle. |
Anonymous
PP you quoted. Sorry for the delay in responding. I just know my experience and I'm just a random person on the internet so obviously take it with a grain of salt.... I was very concerned about academics for my kids, they are strong students. Where I live, a lot of people feel the public school is not good enough, it has a meh or even rough reputation. My oldest is in HS now and I'm like damn- thank god we didn't go private. There is more competition academically at a private (if you care about the competitive college rat race thing- we do) and the public HS has decent enough teachers, robust arts and athletics programs, and offers a million AP classes. I know this sounds like a "great" school but literally people from this region I'm sure think "ew" when we say what school it is. Perception is way too important to folks. And perception is different to a college admissions committee who has a copy of the school's actual profile. We also have real diversity (the school is mostly Black and Hispanic- we are not), not just a few token kids and I think that has been an amazing thing. We also supplement with regional sports/arts to maybe get that friend cohort of other strivers that might be missing from our school. It's worked out. But moving on to socially. I know families who felt like it just wasn't going well friend-wise in public and IDK, they kind of don't want to face it so they'd rather just blame the terrible school and go private where everything will be rainbows and butterflies. Usually it is not. The same problems tend to follow you- you just gain the privilege of now having to pay for them. There is sort of a survival of the fittest thing going on in public (and maybe private too sometimes depending on the school) which may be tough to witness as a parent- but usually shakes out with your kid having found their people. Publics tend to have a million clubs, activities that are very broad, IMO just bigger and more opportunities to find your place, and that's what you need. There's less rushing in from adults to fix things which is good. Bullying is not a thing like it was when we were kids. Sure there's online crap but in daily life, kids are pretty darn kind and accepting and open, even more so in public. (again, just my observation and opinion!) I don't mean to offend, I think privates can be great for certain situations. I can see myself making that choice if it made more sense for our circumstances. I know there are many great outcomes from privates. Just going through my experience as a parent, I know I was really misguided about thinking about the right education for my kids-- hope it is is helpful. |
Anonymous
| I agree with the PP who said you should consider public. If he’s at a small private and hasn’t clicked with anyone, it may be because he just hasn’t found his people. A larger public may give him more social opportunities and more kids to widen his pool of opportunity to meet kids he clicks with. |
Anonymous
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This sounds similar to my 5th grade boy. We actually moved to public in 3rd and it was better because he was able to meet kids who live in walknor bike distance and they see each other at playgrounds or while walking to school and that creates community. At private school all social interaction was between parents and that didnt work well for him because he was no ones first pick. But if he is just there where the other kids are, he is happily involved.
I fill in the gaps with activities. He plays multiple sports, does scouts, and music. Most days of the week he has a place to be and is around other kids. We dont call those kids to hang out at other times, but he is socializing. Cousins and siblings help too. |
Anonymous
| I disagree about public. Her son thrives in the smaller classes and with more individual attention by the teacher. I would not move to public for social reasons. He will be off to college soon enough. |
Anonymous
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I think the answer is get him involved in something that's the same kids and repeated exposure and a solid time commitment. And not just typical bro-type boys.
Suggestions: School choir School band Theater (school or community) cast or crew boy scouts (this one is great for boys that are not inclined toward arts or sports) Stuff like a once a week after school club are not going to help |
Anonymous
Soon enough? It's more than 7 years. Not saying moving to public is right the choice but there are advantages to your friends living close by especially as you get into the teen years. |