5th grader with no friends

[Anonymous]

I have a wonderful son in 5th grade who has no full friendships. Background = has ADHD, takes medication, goes to a well regarded private school for the rigor but also more accessible opportunities including friendships, loves and plays sports, and makes a good first impression. He has plenty of casual friendships and plays sports with others during recess. But no friendships where he seems to get to know another child beyond this.

This is how he has always been - back in preschool the teachers raised a concern that he wasn't developing friendships. We moved schools in 3rd grade in large part to give him more social opportunities (went from very small private to a more typical one with multiple classes per grade) but there was no change.

School can't point to anything specific he is doing 'wrong'. We tried a social skills group and it was a bad fit in that he 'appeared' well ahead of the other kids and refused to participate. I have hustled the last eleven years to orchestrate playdates, develop friendships and get him a part of the group but as he gets older its a lot less about me. Really open to other areas. I am not sure how to help him. Or maybe just accept him?

I don't think he has been invited to anything beyond a full class party in several years. We have made invitations and children come about 50% of the time but its never reciprocated.

[Anonymous]

Is he unhappy?

[Anonymous]

I agree with the is he unhappy question.

Any signs of on the spectrum?

[Anonymous]

Must be an only because you sound like a desperado

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he unhappy?

He yelled out im depressed once in his sleep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the is he unhappy question.

Any signs of on the spectrum?

He is not ‘unhappy’ but he is hurt by the lack of invitations. He is definitely less aware of it than I would expect him to be.

We did a pretty big evaluation in third grade where he received the ADHD diagnosis. No mention of being on the spectrum, but I have thought of this also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Must be an only because you sound like a desperado

This is not a nice comment, but I would say to encourage relationships with siblings, cousins, and family friends.

My son in 6th grade usually does okay with friends, but when he's not getting a lot of reciprocation, he leans on his teen sister, his cousins, and the sons of a friend I grew up with. Those foundations give him confidence no matter what is happening with his "school friends".

And I'm sorry for saying this, but there are some times when I think the decision to go private is misguided and I think this is one of those times. I think he'd do better in a public.

[Anonymous]

I have a 4th grader boy with autism and adhd unmedicated. He is high functioning, doing well at school academically and I think he has more casual friends than I thought to be from school. I think he is considered happy, and he does some individual & team sports. He is not good at developing friendship beyond school on his own. He sees some kids from his school & not from his school due to sports & other activities outside of school. If I really want, I have a few not that social kids that I can hook him up with playdates. We parents know that our boys are not good at facilitating friendships, and I get along with those parents. Yes, I tried my hardest because I think my kid is the only kid that I know with diagnosis. I have to watch out for my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Must be an only because you sound like a desperado

This is not a nice comment, but I would say to encourage relationships with siblings, cousins, and family friends.

My son in 6th grade usually does okay with friends, but when he's not getting a lot of reciprocation, he leans on his teen sister, his cousins, and the sons of a friend I grew up with. Those foundations give him confidence no matter what is happening with his "school friends".

And I'm sorry for saying this, but there are some times when I think the decision to go private is misguided and I think this is one of those times. I think he'd do better in a public.

OP here. Thanks. Curious about why you think public would be better. We have always felt he benefits academically from the small class sizes, individual attention. Benefits from being able to play on teams without being cut. I can't envision how public would be better socially but I am curious now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Must be an only because you sound like a desperado

This is not a nice comment, but I would say to encourage relationships with siblings, cousins, and family friends.

My son in 6th grade usually does okay with friends, but when he's not getting a lot of reciprocation, he leans on his teen sister, his cousins, and the sons of a friend I grew up with. Those foundations give him confidence no matter what is happening with his "school friends".

And I'm sorry for saying this, but there are some times when I think the decision to go private is misguided and I think this is one of those times. I think he'd do better in a public.

OP here. Thanks. Curious about why you think public would be better. We have always felt he benefits academically from the small class sizes, individual attention. Benefits from being able to play on teams without being cut. I can't envision how public would be better socially but I am curious now.

NP but isn't it better for a social life to live near the kids you go to school with? He can become friends with a neighbor and walk to their house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Must be an only because you sound like a desperado

This is not a nice comment, but I would say to encourage relationships with siblings, cousins, and family friends.

My son in 6th grade usually does okay with friends, but when he's not getting a lot of reciprocation, he leans on his teen sister, his cousins, and the sons of a friend I grew up with. Those foundations give him confidence no matter what is happening with his "school friends".

And I'm sorry for saying this, but there are some times when I think the decision to go private is misguided and I think this is one of those times. I think he'd do better in a public.

OP here. Thanks. Curious about why you think public would be better. We have always felt he benefits academically from the small class sizes, individual attention. Benefits from being able to play on teams without being cut. I can't envision how public would be better socially but I am curious now.

NP but isn't it better for a social life to live near the kids you go to school with? He can become friends with a neighbor and walk to their house.

OP. Yes, 100% agree with that. Just not sure it outweighs all that he gains in other ways from private school. He had a brief and unsuccessful stint in public 1st grade.

[Anonymous]

I have a 6th grader who is in a group of 10+ boys, from private and public, and I don't think any of these kids have a close or best friend, I would call them all casual friends. It's just a large group that sees each other at sports, activities, school events. There are no playdates, most of the kids don't do birthday parties any more. We do all live close to each other so the kids walk places together, carpool.

[Anonymous]

I have your same son. He went to public through 1st and he was picking up bad behaviors so I moved him. Now in 5th and he doesn't have friends. He plays on teams and no one pays much attention to him. He says he eats lunch with some kids but they don't talk very much. He seems pretty happy though he gets jealous when his brother gets invited places. But not jealous enough to try and make friends.
The school is small and there is not a lot of choice. But academically I am so happy with the school! His teachers all love him and say how sweet he is and that he seems to be included, but the friendships don't go deeper. Almost all the boys are athletic types.
I think he probably would fit in better at public school where there would be a few more nerdy types like him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 6th grader who is in a group of 10+ boys, from private and public, and I don't think any of these kids have a close or best friend, I would call them all casual friends. It's just a large group that sees each other at sports, activities, school events. There are no playdates, most of the kids don't do birthday parties any more. We do all live close to each other so the kids walk places together, carpool.

Ok that isn't helpful advice at all. He doesn't live near the other families and he doesn't have even one friend much less a large group of friends. But thanks for letting us know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the is he unhappy question.

Any signs of on the spectrum?

He is not ‘unhappy’ but he is hurt by the lack of invitations. He is definitely less aware of it than I would expect him to be.

We did a pretty big evaluation in third grade where he received the ADHD diagnosis. No mention of being on the spectrum, but I have thought of this also.

Fwiw, my child was diagnosed with ADHD in second grade (by a neuropsych eval) and later received a AUADHD diagnosis in early high school. Even one psychiatrist with a specialty in ADHD didn’t think an ASD diagnosis was appropriate when working with our teen in high school.

However, I have no doubts that the high school neuropsychological evaluation is correct. My child able to mask well and is very high functioning and so it took an updated, full neuropsych to reveal it.

It is very common for high functioning ASD kids to hit a roadblock in middle school with respect to friendships. Friendships and social norms become more complex and ASD kids can no longer blend in. We also struggled with my kid too high functioning for social groups like PEERS. But I think it can still be useful and I recommend CAAT. I also recommend getting him involved in activities where he can meet “his people.” What is he interested in?