24 Year Old DD with ASD Doesn’t Want to Leave the House

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The concern I would have is that the less she gos out the harder it is. Conversely success begets success.

I would be considering what my expectations are and how to get there. We had a similar situation where anxiety completely debilitated my son. And the two things that moved him along was identifying expectations and enforcing them even if we had to physically take him out of the house and a psychiatrist who listened and prescribed the as close to perfect cocktail of medication that he has ever had. Had we not forced the issue, I am convinced he’d still be holed up in my living room. It took a long time though.

Another issue you are facing is that if you are expecting her to get a job, the longer she goes without one, the harder it is to get one. Eventually it’s virtually impossible.

This. The more time goes by, the harder it's going to be.

[Anonymous]

I’d say look for specialized support, CBT.

Autism is different than anxiety or social anxiety.

[Anonymous]

I would say drastically reduce her social media. She's probably comparing herself to peers and spiraling, or she's following accounts that are so pro-autism-acceptance that she's really confused about what she's actually capable of doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d say look for specialized support, CBT.

Autism is different than anxiety or social anxiety.

Is it always, though? Also, based on OP's description, DBT might be more suited to her situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry to hear this. I have an ASD teen and an ASD family member with school refusal and not wanting to leave the house.

Before I chime in, I think more information would be helpful. Is your child medicated and in therapy?

Not on medication, but on & off therapy. She doesn’t like to open up and tell therapists anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you know what kind of life she is desiring? Does she have goals? I had major social anxiety but forced myself to get a job and roommates after college because I wanted a regular life. I could see if I wasn’t embarrassed to tell my parents about all my anxieties and they allowed me to wallow in them I would feel like it’s ok to not do anything and stay safe at home with books, hobbies etc.. Luckily with practice the anxiety has lessened to the point that I have friends, a husband, children, etc and a life I enjoy.

She doesn’t have friends and doesn’t really want them, and she isn’t on social media, doesn’t even have a data plan, and not very career-oriented. She is trying to get a job at the moment but anxiety is making that a struggle, though, and she’s had relationships and wants a family.

[Anonymous]

Is someone always home with her or is she ok being home alone? Do you and your husband model going out for her or are you usually home as well? Do you go out with your friends from time to time? What about your husband?
Will she go out for dinner with the family? How did she handle college? Could she try getting a job as an online tutor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The concern I would have is that the less she gos out the harder it is. Conversely success begets success.

I would be considering what my expectations are and how to get there. We had a similar situation where anxiety completely debilitated my son. And the two things that moved him along was identifying expectations and enforcing them even if we had to physically take him out of the house and a psychiatrist who listened and prescribed the as close to perfect cocktail of medication that he has ever had. Had we not forced the issue, I am convinced he’d still be holed up in my living room. It took a long time though.

Another issue you are facing is that if you are expecting her to get a job, the longer she goes without one, the harder it is to get one. Eventually it’s virtually impossible.

+1

Read the case study on this page labeled “Combined CBT and SPACE Treatment” - it aligns with what you are dealing with and offers solutions:

https://www.spacetreatment.net/manual-and-books

Therapy, medication, and firm adherence to incremental steps to get out and about

[Anonymous]

Take her out - even just to eat when a restaurant isn't crowded.

[Anonymous]

Here’s a direct link to the article above:

https://www.spacetreatment.net/_files/ugd/770d1c_b35750d30ffc428eb2f9c803855470c9.pdf

But the whole website is great

[Anonymous]

How did she get through college? Did something happen recently that might have triggered this new surge of anxiety?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you know what kind of life she is desiring? Does she have goals? I had major social anxiety but forced myself to get a job and roommates after college because I wanted a regular life. I could see if I wasn’t embarrassed to tell my parents about all my anxieties and they allowed me to wallow in them I would feel like it’s ok to not do anything and stay safe at home with books, hobbies etc.. Luckily with practice the anxiety has lessened to the point that I have friends, a husband, children, etc and a life I enjoy.

She doesn’t have friends and doesn’t really want them, and she isn’t on social media, doesn’t even have a data plan, and not very career-oriented. She is trying to get a job at the moment but anxiety is making that a struggle, though, and she’s had relationships and wants a family.

PP whose son was like this. Two things. Therapy was useless for us. It doesn’t work for everyone. So if it’s not working for your daughter then give it up. Don’t expect it to fix anything if it isn’t working.

As for jobs, I actually did the applications and got a job for my son. It’s not a forever job (he’s now in college
And has moved past his desire to never leave the house). But if I had left it to him, I’m not sure he’d have left the house yet.

The thing that motivates me is that I know that after I’m gone, my son has to be able to care for himself. It keeps me focused on what I need to do to move my son forward to complete independence. And like I said, success begets success so my role is pretty minimal at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is someone always home with her or is she ok being home alone? Do you and your husband model going out for her or are you usually home as well? Do you go out with your friends from time to time? What about your husband?
Will she go out for dinner with the family? How did she handle college? Could she try getting a job as an online tutor?

She’s comfortable being home alone during the day and at night, but if it’s more than a few consecutive nights, she doesn’t feel comfortable, so we try to keep it to a couple of days at a time. She is able to go out on her own now, but her anxiety is very high—similar to how it was in high school—so she prefers not to, and we usually go with her. My husband and I are both introverts, so while we do go out occasionally with friends, we prefer to spend most of our time together. With her, we usually focus on special hobbies we like, gym sessions, eating out, and travel. Going out to dinner with the family is something she usually enjoys, but right now it’s not something she’s up for.

My husband and I both have flexible jobs and are doing well for ourselves, which is something we do together. During college, she had a lot of support, including accommodations and medication, which helped her manage. She thrived in a supportive school environment. We also had a second house nearby where we would visit, stay, and check on her.

Anxiety shutdowns like what’s happening now only occurred during summers and breaks during college, when her routine was disrupted. Having a routine helped. Medication was the main thing that helped, but she isn’t interested in it right now. Before that, high school was tough in the beginning. She didn’t like going to school, but after we switched her to a private school, she really began to thrive, as public high school was too much for her. We also had a second house nearby where we would visit, stay, and check on her.

Online tutoring never crossed my mind, but ask if she’s interested— it could be a great way for her to ease into work before something bigger.

[Anonymous]

Does she want to go back to school for masters?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d say look for specialized support, CBT.

Autism is different than anxiety or social anxiety.

Is it always, though? Also, based on OP's description, DBT might be more suited to her situation.

Autism is one of the topics that dcum is rather ignorant on. Yes, autism is always different than anxiety, that’s why suggesting things like therapy and meds might not work well for OPs daughter. It’s a lifelong disability that requires support in some way. Normal activities are that much harder. Autistic individuals might seem like their able to function normally but it requires a lot of effort.