How to deal with teen DD and her BF

[Anonymous]

Nearly 16 is 15.

[Anonymous]

Cannot stress strongly enough the birth control/STD aspect and the consent aspect. Stress that she is entitled to pleasure and that sex is something people do together, as an act of intimacy, not something the guy “gets” from the girl. And getting consent is an ongoing requirement throughout the encounter as well as for each separate encounter.

Tell her I’d there’s ever anything she doesn’t want to do, she should say hi and not let someone talk her into it. Also STRESS that she should NEVER agree to texts, photos or videos of her doing anything sexual.

[Anonymous]

I’ll add one suggestion about how to have these conversations. When I went down this path with my DD, I knew she was sexually active with her BF but she didn’t want to talk to me. I told her that as her mom, it was my job to keep her safe and that if that required having uncomfortable conversations so be it. The. I launched into the topics others have mentioned. I also found it helpful to ask about her peers rather than her. . . “Do your friends watch porn? How do you think that impacts their own feelings about sex?” Then “what fo you think”?

[Anonymous]

2 forms of birth control---pill plus condoms---is a good habit to get into from the start for teens even if the relationship is monogamous.

Teens are incredibly fertile and the pill fails 1-2% of the time even with perfect use.

--signed, a women's health practitioner.

[Anonymous]

She should also ask GYN about UTIs and how to help prevent them and what the symptoms are that indicate she needs to leave a urine sample.
Has she had the HPV vaccine?

[Anonymous]

I also think that you should have a list of questions to ask your kid to think about that go beyond consent as well. And I mean really basic stuff like:

1. Is this a person that you can tell them what feels good or doesn’t feel good?
2. If you accidentally farted during sex, don’t think this person would tell other people and make fun of you?
3. Are you sure of where this persons phone is while you are having sex and that they are not recording you?
4. Are you going to be comfortable with this person having this intimate knowledge of you if you break up in the future?
5. If you got pregnant, what do you think you would want to do? Does your partner feel the same way?

I don’t think the kid needs to answer these for you. Just tell them that you think they need to be considering this type of stuff. Even if it changes nothing about what they do with this partner, it is things they can consider with their next boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

No there was a girl in my high school who was recorded having sex with a boyfriend on an obviously hidden camera. Advise her to be on the lookout for that. It’s illegal but people still do it. Oh and the old boys club is thick as thieves, they’ll circulate it around the world twice and it’ll never see female eyes

[Anonymous]

I would probably ask her inquisitively what she hopes to gain by enabling male sexual access to her body as an unmarried teenager while emphasizing its her body her choice.

Then I would share the unpleasant but true reality that women bear nearly all of the risk and consequences of sex. I plan to have this talk with my daughter well before age 16.

Next I would make sure that she understands most men don’t equate sex with love and will happily have sex with almost anyone. There is often very little correlation with the desire for a romantic relationship. So few women understand this reality.

Then I would share with her the many ways men coerce, deceive and manipulate women (especially young and foolish girls) into unwanted sex acts which are often violent and harmful.

Then I would tell her she is special and loved and encourage her to seek medical care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get her on BC and make sure she gets tested regularly. She needs to know about consent. And if she doesn’t feel like continuing to have sex that’s ok too. It’s her choice and any guy who cajoles her is not the right guy.

There is a lot of p*rn that is influencing boys and girls. It’s disturbing and she ought to know sex is about intimacy and both partners. And that p*rn isn’t real.

Lots of books out there. There was a really good one around 5-10 years ago where a researcher spoke to teens and wrote a guide for parents; her finding were eye-opening. Can’t remember the title.

But instead of jumping to “sex is dirty and wrong,” empower her. Or she’ll associate sex with shame and secrecy.

I think the book is Girls and Sex (Peggy Ornstein) and she wrote another called Boys and Sex which is more about p*rn.
I agree with getting on birth control, doors open when they are at your house, no overnights if you don't want to encourage it under your roof. And yes there's some disturbing choking trend I heard about - please talk that over. Let her know you're there if she needs help.

[Anonymous]

No need to allow it or encourage it in your home. You can let her know you feel she is too young, or that it is against your values, and that you do not want her having sex in your home if she chooses to continue to be in a sexual relationship.

At the same time, you would ensure she is on birth control, has access to condoms and understands her own body and reproduction and pregnancy. She should know that sexual intimacy can be complex and has physical and emotional bonds. She should know about consent for herself and her boyfriend, ensuring she has consent before initiating any sexual contact, and is being clear about consent immediately upon any initiated sexual contact.

She should also have a health care provider she can talk to about her sexual health.

[Anonymous]

Birth control for her and condoms for him. I would sit down with them and tell them its their choice to have sex but understand the consequences of an unintended pregnancy and if they get pregnant you will support them in any decision but if they keep the baby they will be parenting and working for some expenses and you still expect college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would probably ask her inquisitively what she hopes to gain by enabling male sexual access to her body as an unmarried teenager while emphasizing its her body her choice.

Then I would share the unpleasant but true reality that women bear nearly all of the risk and consequences of sex. I plan to have this talk with my daughter well before age 16.

Next I would make sure that she understands most men don’t equate sex with love and will happily have sex with almost anyone. There is often very little correlation with the desire for a romantic relationship. So few women understand this reality.

Then I would share with her the many ways men coerce, deceive and manipulate women (especially young and foolish girls) into unwanted sex acts which are often violent and harmful.

Then I would tell her she is special and loved and encourage her to seek medical care.

This isn't true. While men can more easily disconnect sex from emotion, many men care greatly for their romantic partners and sex is very connected to that and a way to feel that connection. Men are humans and they need and want love and care just like women do. If you have boys you would know they also desire romantic relationships, want to love and be loved, care deeply, feel heartbreak etc. Men and women can both be manipulative and her boyfriend is most likely just as much a young and foolish boy as she is a young and foolish girls. Do you want her boyfriend's dad warning him about all the ways women are horrible and awful, and how women will try to mess with him? Do not teach sexist tropes to your sons or daughters. Embedding misogynistic or misandristic views in your kids is really poor parenting.

[Anonymous]

Echo the advice from the women’s health practitioner to double up on protection. Especially with the current environment — she does not want to find herself in a tough position due to bc failure.

[Anonymous]

Oh wow, 15 seems so young. I second the visit to the gyn or planned parenthood for birth control and sexual health conversations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would probably ask her inquisitively what she hopes to gain by enabling male sexual access to her body as an unmarried teenager while emphasizing its her body her choice.

Then I would share the unpleasant but true reality that women bear nearly all of the risk and consequences of sex. I plan to have this talk with my daughter well before age 16.

Next I would make sure that she understands most men don’t equate sex with love and will happily have sex with almost anyone. There is often very little correlation with the desire for a romantic relationship. So few women understand this reality.

Then I would share with her the many ways men coerce, deceive and manipulate women (especially young and foolish girls) into unwanted sex acts which are often violent and harmful.

Then I would tell her she is special and loved and encourage her to seek medical care.

This isn't true. While men can more easily disconnect sex from emotion, many men care greatly for their romantic partners and sex is very connected to that and a way to feel that connection. Men are humans and they need and want love and care just like women do. If you have boys you would know they also desire romantic relationships, want to love and be loved, care deeply, feel heartbreak etc. Men and women can both be manipulative and her boyfriend is most likely just as much a young and foolish boy as she is a young and foolish girls. Do you want her boyfriend's dad warning him about all the ways women are horrible and awful, and how women will try to mess with him? Do not teach sexist tropes to your sons or daughters. Embedding misogynistic or misandristic views in your kids is really poor parenting.

I am not sure if you are being disingenuous, or are simply naive and uninformed about biological differences between the sexes.

The reality is that men on average significantly prefer more sexual variety than women, and statistically are less likely to experience the same feelings of emotional intimacy and commitment when engaging in sexual activities. This is not my opinion, or an expression of “misandry”, it is a well researched fact. It is not “right” or “wrong” that these differences exist, it is simply how things are; on average across populations. Does this mean that the boyfriend is going to start having sex with other girls tomorrow? Does that mean all men are cheaters? Of course not.

Another scientific fact that is documented across virtually every human society that has ever existed is that male sexuality is inherently predatory in ways that female sexuality is not. Does this mean that most men are sexually predators? Of course not. Does this mean that women don’t have their own flaws? Of course not.

However most Americans are unaware of these realities with are both well documented and common sense; either because of simple ignorance, science denialism, or misguided views of feminism which claim that men and women are equal.

No where am I claiming that “men are awful” or women are innocent angels. Only that male sexuality is extremely different than female sexuality and denying this reality almost harms women to benefit of men.