How to deal with teen DD and her BF

[Anonymous]

This seems like the wrong sort of question to crowdsource but I need advice and don’t have anyone else I can really ask. DD (nearly 16) and her BF have been intimate, I found out through various means and she admits it. So now what do I do? I’d strongly prefer her to wait until 18 but short of grounding her for 2 years and keeping her under constant surveillance that doesn’t seem realistic. I’m trying to monitor them closely in my home but I know that they will find some way to sneak even if I forbid it. Do I just accept the inevitable???? I was a very late bloomer myself in this regard so I don’t really have any life experience to draw from. Thanks in advance for any advice from those that have btdt.

[Anonymous]

Ask her pediatrician for a referral to gynecologist and set up a visit. Tell your daughter that you can facilitate making a visit for her or she can call the gynecologist in the future if she ever needs to. I had sex in high school and the worst part was that I didn’t have access to good medical care when I got an infection.

[Anonymous]

Oh and make sure she knows to use condoms, even if she is on another form report control

[Anonymous]

Get her on BC and make sure she gets tested regularly. She needs to know about consent. And if she doesn’t feel like continuing to have sex that’s ok too. It’s her choice and any guy who cajoles her is not the right guy.

There is a lot of p*rn that is influencing boys and girls. It’s disturbing and she ought to know sex is about intimacy and both partners. And that p*rn isn’t real.

Lots of books out there. There was a really good one around 5-10 years ago where a researcher spoke to teens and wrote a guide for parents; her finding were eye-opening. Can’t remember the title.

But instead of jumping to “sex is dirty and wrong,” empower her. Or she’ll associate sex with shame and secrecy.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for the advice! And what 0935 posted really resonated with me, I was raised in a conservative evangelical environment and it really affected my outlook. Another reason I posted here for a sanity check!

Good point by others about scheduling an appointment with a GYN, if she’s going to make adult decisions she has to deal with such adult responsibilities as well. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems like the wrong sort of question to crowdsource but I need advice and don’t have anyone else I can really ask. DD (nearly 16) and her BF have been intimate, I found out through various means and she admits it. So now what do I do? I’d strongly prefer her to wait until 18 but short of grounding her for 2 years and keeping her under constant surveillance that doesn’t seem realistic. I’m trying to monitor them closely in my home but I know that they will find some way to sneak even if I forbid it. Do I just accept the inevitable???? I was a very late bloomer myself in this regard so I don’t really have any life experience to draw from. Thanks in advance for any advice from those that have btdt.

Yay she told you great job mom! I mean that!

Now keep the lines of communication open and talk about BC constantly. Make sure she is being safe!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get her on BC and make sure she gets tested regularly. She needs to know about consent. And if she doesn’t feel like continuing to have sex that’s ok too. It’s her choice and any guy who cajoles her is not the right guy.

There is a lot of p*rn that is influencing boys and girls. It’s disturbing and she ought to know sex is about intimacy and both partners. And that p*rn isn’t real.

Lots of books out there. There was a really good one around 5-10 years ago where a researcher spoke to teens and wrote a guide for parents; her finding were eye-opening. Can’t remember the title.

But instead of jumping to “sex is dirty and wrong,” empower her. Or she’ll associate sex with shame and secrecy.

This is a great post!

[Anonymous]

You have received really good advice here! I'm glad she told you. Keep the lines of communication open. Do your best to encourage that she's safe medically and emotionally. Like, she knows she doesn't have to stay in the relationship just because she took that step. That she (and he) many have feelings that seem like they will be permanent, but they won't be. Let her know you are there to help her navigate this- when she wants. Good job mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get her on BC and make sure she gets tested regularly. She needs to know about consent. And if she doesn’t feel like continuing to have sex that’s ok too. It’s her choice and any guy who cajoles her is not the right guy.

There is a lot of p*rn that is influencing boys and girls. It’s disturbing and she ought to know sex is about intimacy and both partners. And that p*rn isn’t real.

Lots of books out there. There was a really good one around 5-10 years ago where a researcher spoke to teens and wrote a guide for parents; her finding were eye-opening. Can’t remember the title.

But instead of jumping to “sex is dirty and wrong,” empower her. Or she’ll associate sex with shame and secrecy.

This is a great post!

+100

[Anonymous]

Have you already talked to her about the dangers of choking? This is being very normalized through the content these teens are viewing. Make sure she understands this isn’t actually a thing lots of people do.

[Anonymous]

You want her to wait until she's 18 to DATE? That's nuts. You should want her to date while she's in HS, living at home, and has you as a buffer. "I can't, my mom won't let me." You don't want her to wait until she's off at college and far from home.

[Anonymous]

Make sure she's on BC and getting tested. Continue to talk to her about healthy relationship dynamics.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry. Yes, must go to gyn, no excuses, for testing and exam. Needs birth control. And supervise at all times in your house. You don’t have to put up with it in your home.

[Anonymous]

The time to do something was before this happened. Like not allowing a 15 year old to date in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Have a no shame talk re birth control. Get her gyno appointment, she needs screening for STDs and regular pap now as well as discussing different options for BC.

Also have no shame discussions re what she should do if she thinks she might be pregnant (pregnancy tests, plan B, other options) and that she should come to you as soon as she is concerned/worried/ something wrong. That she will NOT get in trouble with you if she thinks she’s in “trouble”.

Also discuss relationship abuse (that she shouldn’t do anything she’s uncomfortable with, not ready for, feel pressure, even if she’s said yes before she can say no at any time). Also no nudes, asking for, sending, no.

I have BTDT. These discussions were so uncomfortable for me but I had read you should get ahead of the problem and have them early which I did. I really hoped by DD would wait but she had a serious boyfriend in 10th grade and she came to me asking for help getting BC so I helped her get it. And then she wanted a different kind later on because she didn’t like taking a daily pill. And then she had a pregnancy scare and she came to me in 12th grade (was false alarm). I took all of my emotions out of it and kept my word that I would help her if she needed it. Now I didn’t allow her BF to sleep over or them to have sex in the house. But I am glad that I had those talks and that she did in fact come to me because I didn’t want a pregnant teen.