Parents are overwhelmed w/ selling house and downsizing - how to break through and help

[Anonymous]

I would tour a place. For active seniors like your parents, the assisted living places offer a lot of amenities. Clubs, game nights, outings and a lot of social events. Just moved my relative into one and was shocked at how inexpensive it was. It was under 2k a month for a one bedroom, including everything. Your parents might not be there yet and might still want a sfh?

Mid 80s is a hard time to move. There also will be a cognitive decline right after moving because they're overwhelmed.

I would definitely encourage them to look around and line up places to tour. It's a million times easier when they go through their own belongings than when you have to take off work for weeks and do it.

[Anonymous]

My friend had a parent who was putting off looking at retirement places. She told her mom, “I know you will have an opinion about place A, B, or C. If you fall and break a hip, I will be forced to make the choice without any input from you.” This did motivate her mom to at least look. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend had a parent who was putting off looking at retirement places. She told her mom, “I know you will have an opinion about place A, B, or C. If you fall and break a hip, I will be forced to make the choice without any input from you.” This did motivate her mom to at least look. Good luck.

This ^^^^^
+1

[Anonymous]

You can do a lot without their involvement. You can tour places on your own and review the ratings. You might be able to figure out what places they can afford and how large a space they can afford. You can educate yourself on how you would handle a health crisis and what kinds of companies are well-reviewed for senior moves. And you can hoard up some of your own savings and vacation time. Review your and your DH's family leave policies as well. You don't need anyone's permission or help to be prepared for a crisis.

They will move better if they're deciding what to keep, rather than spending 6 months living in a gradually emptying house-- that's just sad.

Sometimes older people part with possessions better if they think their stuff is going to be used and appreciated. If you can take a box or two of random stuff with you each visit, it'll make a difference over time. And if you can find any young relative or whatever who will at least say they'd like to have certain things, that may help. Older people don't understand that young folks don't want their style of stuff, and there's no reason to burden them with that knowledge. Figure out a charity and it will really help.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone - I should have been clear - my parents have toured and know the exact place they plan to move to. My brother and I need to figure out how to get them there.

It does sound like we will just have to take over. We always knew they'd need help and planned to be there for it, but have been waiting for them to make the decision. These responses are crystallizing that my brother and I are going to have to just go do it. I think they will listen to him forcing the issue and then will let me do all the planning/execution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not just decision-paralysis (although that’s certainly a part of it) - it’s the emotional impact of leaving their home and all that is familiar and grounding in their lives; it’s where they feel rooted, and have their routines and memories. Moving is one of the most stressful experiences at any age.

Amen. Also agree. It’s all overwhelming. Hire someone who you give instructions to off on the side to help them. Don’t move them to a nursing home if they are still able bodied and in good mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone - I should have been clear - my parents have toured and know the exact place they plan to move to. My brother and I need to figure out how to get them there.

It does sound like we will just have to take over. We always knew they'd need help and planned to be there for it, but have been waiting for them to make the decision. These responses are crystallizing that my brother and I are going to have to just go do it. I think they will listen to him forcing the issue and then will let me do all the planning/execution.

At some point I had to take a deep breath and tell myself that I am my mother’s mother now. Then I did what she needed me to do and could no longer do for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone - I should have been clear - my parents have toured and know the exact place they plan to move to. My brother and I need to figure out how to get them there.

It does sound like we will just have to take over. We always knew they'd need help and planned to be there for it, but have been waiting for them to make the decision. These responses are crystallizing that my brother and I are going to have to just go do it. I think they will listen to him forcing the issue and then will let me do all the planning/execution.

It took my mid 80 year old neighbors an entire year to clear things out of their house. One of their 6 children was legally blind and he came to help them for a week towards the end. He did a lot of the heavy lifting of the furniture.

[Anonymous]

1) Realtor that specializes in seniors AND has access to / willing to help you all execute a full reno with financing
2) Work with an organizer that helps sort their stuff (junk, giveaway, keep).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The moment when they could move themselves was 10 years ago, OP. They only seem competent because they're stuck in their routine. Any time they are forced out of it, they won't manage well.

You need to do EVERYTHING for them. Find the nursing home, move them with their essentials, secure the paperwork and valuables you want the family to keep, then hire an estate sale company who will sort through the stuff in the house and sell it while the property is up for sale. You can look up estate sale companies in your parents' area.

But you need to present this as something you can easily do, and they shouldn't worry (they will, because they have nothing else to do). And they might still fight you every step of the way. The key is to understand that they cannot do anything themselves anymore, even if they insist they can, and persist in trying to intervene.

This is insane. Sounds like the parents are still legally competent.

Legally competent and actually competent are two very different things.

[Anonymous]

You have to basically take over the whole process. Hopefully they are easy to deal with.

[Anonymous]

This is where I am with my mom. I have been trying to get her to realize that aging in place at her current home is not going to work. Her laundry room is down stairs and she has trouble with stairs. We talked about moving her washer and dryer upstairs. We talked about moving her computer upstairs. She just resists. I took her car shopping to find a car that she can get in and out of easier. Nope. She won't do anything. I have resigned myself to waiting for a crisis. I can only do so much. I hate watching this unfold.

[Anonymous]

What worked for my parents was to declutter using the KonMari approach. We did not follow through on every category of declutter but started from here.

Even if they never sell the house...the removal of clutter or duplicates/expired/old/unusable stuff periodically will give them peace of mind. Sell what you can sell, donate, dump, discard.

1) Do all the clothes first. It makes everything easier after that. This is the biggest mental block and hindrance to letting go.
2) Winter gear
3) Shoes. Also other accessories - purses, costume jewellery, cosmetics, hats, wigs...

4) Fridge and freezer first
5) Pantry
6) Dishes, gadgets, appliances, pots and pans, cutlery

7) Bathroom and toiletries
8) Cleaning supplies
9) Beauty supplies, health supplies (oh yes...)
10) Remove the bedding paraphernalia ...you will find piles of sheets and comforters and blankets etc. Also tablecloths, cushion covers...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone - I should have been clear - my parents have toured and know the exact place they plan to move to. My brother and I need to figure out how to get them there.

It does sound like we will just have to take over. We always knew they'd need help and planned to be there for it, but have been waiting for them to make the decision. These responses are crystallizing that my brother and I are going to have to just go do it. I think they will listen to him forcing the issue and then will let me do all the planning/execution.

OP, no. That's not how this works. It's not like this place is holding an apartment empty just waiting for your parents to walk in the door! It's great that they have a favorite but you CANNOT count on them being able to move in the moment they're in a crisis or decide they want to. You need to have at least a backup option in mind. And you must remember that if this is crisis-driven, they may need a short-term rehab or something to retain the level of functioning that's needed for the place they actually want.

You need to second-guess all of their decisions because they're not going to be realistic. Make sure the place they want is right for their actual level of care right now. It's not enough that they like it. It needs to meet their needs-- their actual needs, including the needs they're in denial about and the needs they will likely develop in the next few years. Otherwise they might be turned away.

[Anonymous]

If they have a place they want, you can leverage that. Figure out if there's an opening, and show them the details and floor plan and everything. Tell them "I know this is your first choice, and I want you to have it. We don't know when another unit will become available." If they don't go to Lovelyside Manor when they have the chance,, they might end up at something they don't like as much, right?