Parents are overwhelmed w/ selling house and downsizing - how to break through and help

[Anonymous]

My parents are 83 and 84 and are thankfully in pretty good health. They have been talking for years about moving into a local retirement community, but they have never been able to pull the trigger and do it.

It took me some time to absorb that even though they are both cognitively pretty with it this is just too big of a process for them to handle.

I realize I can't force them to do anything, but they keep mentioning moving to my brother and I and we would like to help/have offered help/have set goals, and all for nought this far. At this point I kind have accepted that we might be looking at a crisis to force the move, but obviously that's not ideal.

If you were able to break through the excuses and just help, how did you do it? Did you present as a united front with siblings? What did you actually do that helped?

My dad brought up taxes to my brother. My mom has a zillion reasons why no one will want to buy the house. Lather, rinse, repeat.

[Anonymous]

Go visit. Schedule a tour of the home, a good realtor interview and estate auction company interview while you’re there. They are all used to helping people get out of houses and moving. That will give them some concrete timing and numbers.

[Anonymous]

You can also likely find a service that will help your folks go through their things and box things for a move in the future. For now it would be to clean out house with donations and disposal of items. Some
Might work either way a realtor. Later coukd help to possibly sell some items in a sale before then disposing or donating if the rest. It us a process.

[Anonymous]

Don’t want to be the bearer of bad news…but it’s likely too late for your parents. Seems like around 75ish, elderly suffer from decision paralysis. They will say all the right things, but it’s too late for them to actually do it.

Save your sanity and stop trying to make it happen and spend your time finding the facility they will have to enter when an emergency forces the issue.

[Anonymous]

The moment when they could move themselves was 10 years ago, OP. They only seem competent because they're stuck in their routine. Any time they are forced out of it, they won't manage well.

You need to do EVERYTHING for them. Find the nursing home, move them with their essentials, secure the paperwork and valuables you want the family to keep, then hire an estate sale company who will sort through the stuff in the house and sell it while the property is up for sale. You can look up estate sale companies in your parents' area.

But you need to present this as something you can easily do, and they shouldn't worry (they will, because they have nothing else to do). And they might still fight you every step of the way. The key is to understand that they cannot do anything themselves anymore, even if they insist they can, and persist in trying to intervene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t want to be the bearer of bad news…but it’s likely too late for your parents. Seems like around 75ish, elderly suffer from decision paralysis. They will say all the right things, but it’s too late for them to actually do it.

Save your sanity and stop trying to make it happen and spend your time finding the facility they will have to enter when an emergency forces the issue.

This is where I'm at. I've talked, I've researched, I've gone to their house to take things away to donation, I've repeatedly and sincerely offered to move them near me or in with me, I've asked them to use the LTC insurance they pay for. They don't want any of it. What they want is to not be in this situation, which is not an option.

I've given up. I'm just husbanding my energy for the inevitable health crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The moment when they could move themselves was 10 years ago, OP. They only seem competent because they're stuck in their routine. Any time they are forced out of it, they won't manage well.

You need to do EVERYTHING for them. Find the nursing home, move them with their essentials, secure the paperwork and valuables you want the family to keep, then hire an estate sale company who will sort through the stuff in the house and sell it while the property is up for sale. You can look up estate sale companies in your parents' area.

But you need to present this as something you can easily do, and they shouldn't worry (they will, because they have nothing else to do). And they might still fight you every step of the way. The key is to understand that they cannot do anything themselves anymore, even if they insist they can, and persist in trying to intervene.

Who says they need a nursing home?!

[Anonymous]

It’s not just decision-paralysis (although that’s certainly a part of it) - it’s the emotional impact of leaving their home and all that is familiar and grounding in their lives; it’s where they feel rooted, and have their routines and memories. Moving is one of the most stressful experiences at any age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The moment when they could move themselves was 10 years ago, OP. They only seem competent because they're stuck in their routine. Any time they are forced out of it, they won't manage well.

You need to do EVERYTHING for them. Find the nursing home, move them with their essentials, secure the paperwork and valuables you want the family to keep, then hire an estate sale company who will sort through the stuff in the house and sell it while the property is up for sale. You can look up estate sale companies in your parents' area.

But you need to present this as something you can easily do, and they shouldn't worry (they will, because they have nothing else to do). And they might still fight you every step of the way. The key is to understand that they cannot do anything themselves anymore, even if they insist they can, and persist in trying to intervene.

This is insane. Sounds like the parents are still legally competent.

[Anonymous]

How about if they find the new place and move in the furniture that will fit? Then, you secure an estate agent who will sell the unwanted household goods. Finally, the house goes on the market.

[Anonymous]

You can’t. All you can do is get their paperwork as in order as you can and wait for the crisis. Then bump along until the next crisis.

It’ll be fine. But them moving themselves to assisted living isn’t going to happen.

[Anonymous]

You and your brother visit together. Help your parents make an inventory of what furniture they’d keep and what they’d get rid of. Eyeball how much stuff there is to go through. Maybe while you’re there you and your brother can do some donation runs to Goodwill.

Talk to your parents about what kind of place they’d want next. If you can line up some informational visits to places, the four of you could go see them. Encourage them, let them know that you and your brother are there to help, and as a group create a timeline. Schedule your next visit and what you all will try to accomplish that next visit.

There are people you can hire to help you go through your stuff and figure out what to keep and what to get rid of. Would your folks be open to that, to supplement whatever you and your brother can do?

[Anonymous]

My brother and I just did this with our 77 year old parents. It started with a couple of years of suggesting that it would be good to downsize and ended with an intervention saying they had one year to find a condo and be in it, with our help every step of the way. There was tons of resistance and the down payment on the condo only happened after my mom fell and could no longer go upstairs in their home to their shower. It was so stressful and I had to do almost everything. They had never moved and were so stressed. My brother and I went many times over to help them declutter and pack, and many people were hired to help too. All in all took the intervention in August - being moved into the new condo by the following August and the family home selling by November. They are so much safer now and truly relieved - but it was an exhausting situation where I had to do everything and often wasn’t in charge . . . Which made it stressful when they made bad decisions or dragged their feet. So grateful they did it. But it was a very big deal to say the least and they should have done it at 70 to have been more cognitively and physically capable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t want to be the bearer of bad news…but it’s likely too late for your parents. Seems like around 75ish, elderly suffer from decision paralysis. They will say all the right things, but it’s too late for them to actually do it.

[b]Save your sanity and stop trying to make it happen and spend your time finding the facility they will have to enter when an emergency forces the issue.

This is where I'm at. I've talked, I've researched, I've gone to their house to take things away to donation, I've repeatedly and sincerely offered to move them near me or in with me, I've asked them to [/b]use the LTC insurance they pay for[b]. They don't want any of it. What they want is to not be in this situation, which is not an option.

I've given up. I'm just husbanding my energy for the inevitable health crisis.

LTC insurance won’t apply unless they meet specific criteria showing they cannot complete basic life activities such as feeding or dressing themselves, bathing, toileting, etc…It doesn’t cover independent living and only assisted living if they need assistance with at least two of the basic life activities.

[Anonymous]

You're going to have to be involved. If you can get them to agree to a place, the best order is to have them move there (the continuing care places have downsizing companies they work with that can help them select the right furniture to move to the new space).

Then have the downsizing company get rid of the leftover stuff from the house that you and your brother don't want. Then sell the house (it will be easier without them living there).

I have seen this work well for others. Basically, just get them to the new location first. A good realtor can manage a lot of the house prep and sale.