Need help for a teen who complains but doesn’t help around the house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Single mom here. If your kid won't help out around the house because he is overextended with EC activities, it is time to pare down. Mine started to learn how to cook when he was 9 or 10. He made at least two dinners a week starting in MS and continuing through college. He should also choose from a list of chores to do in addition to laundry. Mine usually chooses to vacuum which is good since it is fairly frequent due to our dog. He also walks the dog when I'm busy.

This is great. Those cooking skills will have lifelong benefits

[Anonymous]

How old are these kids? I was sick of hearing the complaints from my 15 and 17 yo and dropped the rope. My meals were healthy but what they really meant is I didn’t have meals that they wanted on any given night that fhrh felt like eating.

I gave each the password to the grocery delivery that I use and told them to order as they want and cook for themselves if they didn’t want to eat the meals their dad or I make. I also offered to go any grocery store they wanted once a week and let them shop for anything they wanted.

My 17 yo often orders groceries online. He will ask when I’m about to put in an order and ask if he can add items. It’s working well. My 15 yo will ask to go in person to a store every other week or so to pick out things.

We both work full time and are not their personal chefs. How old is your kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is the teen?
I have a 13yo that doesnt do any cooking, she will help if I give specific tasks. I usually assign the dishes to her to do after dinner.
Maybe assign your teen dinner once a week?
I’d tell them no more complaining about clutter. Their room is their room but by rest of the house is shared and it’s nof up to them to decide how it looks.

This is a good idea. Teen is a senior in high school so it’s a stressful time I’ll admit. And the ECs are a lot, but crucial right now for college stuff. But I like the idea of dinner on them once a week.

I did not ask my busy high schoolers for regular help, but they were not allowed to complain about the state of the house or the meals - and indeed, they're nice kids who are not given to complaining. Their job was, and is, to study hard, do well in school and extra-curriculars, and pitch in for the household only when I can't do it all. When they were in middle school, both kids got the dusting/vacuuming/mopping done on the weekends while I ran around doing other work. My college kid has had no problems cooking and cleaning for himself in his studio apartment, despite not having done many chores in high school. It's not something that needs to be practiced much, contrary to DCUM belief.

So if you want to prioritize your child's academics and college profile, that's fine. But address the complaining attitude and tell him that's not acceptable at all. You're already doing so much! You're a great parent, OP. I'm telling you, so you don't feel down when your kid implies otherwise

Don’t you feel like telling your kids their job is studying/EC sets them up to believe that is *they* are the busiest people in the house? My husband had this growing up and he basically feels everything besides work is optional. It was fine in college and even grad school because guess what you actually have a lot of time during those periods and often access to a dining room and you only have to keep one room passably clean. But being an adult and especially a working parent is waaaay busier than being a high school student. I am planning to send a different message to my own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wanting healthy food is fair enough.

Cleaning common space is up to them if they want it.[/quote

If they complain they cook it.

OP your kid is not a baby. Take them to the grocery store in the weekend with a list. Then they cook dinner .

You are not their maid or cook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is the teen?
I have a 13yo that doesnt do any cooking, she will help if I give specific tasks. I usually assign the dishes to her to do after dinner.
Maybe assign your teen dinner once a week?
I’d tell them no more complaining about clutter. Their room is their room but by rest of the house is shared and it’s nof up to them to decide how it looks.

This is a good idea. Teen is a senior in high school so it’s a stressful time I’ll admit. And the ECs are a lot, but crucial right now for college stuff. But I like the idea of dinner on them once a week.

The ECs are not crucial. Mine had once EC once a month. He got into all 10 schools he applied to.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the pp who suggested the family
Meeting.

[Anonymous]

Making healthy food seems like a reasonable request from them to you.

Decluttering should start wit figuring out what the main culprits are and then finding solutions for those things. Teen also needs to stop adding to the clutter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Family meeting. Put the question to them—I understand you’re unhappy with clutter in house. Let’s discuss options and you dam choice — you can quit an EC, we can regime dog, you can agree to do vacuuming on weekends, we can reallocate money from vacation fund to house cleaning etc. the idea is to come up with a mutually acceptable option.
I have kids like this and just asking or telling them to do something doesn’t work. But if it’s their idea that they come to after consideration of options and for which they can determine the schedule and otherwise have some control over it…. That works somewhat better.

Great way to raise a narcissist

Love the “reallocating money from vacation fund for house cleaning” idea! Wish I had done that 10 years ago with my neat freak teen 😄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Family meeting. Put the question to them—I understand you’re unhappy with clutter in house. Let’s discuss options and you dam choice — you can quit an EC, we can regime dog, you can agree to do vacuuming on weekends, we can reallocate money from vacation fund to house cleaning etc. the idea is to come up with a mutually acceptable option.
I have kids like this and just asking or telling them to do something doesn’t work. But if it’s their idea that they come to after consideration of options and for which they can determine the schedule and otherwise have some control over it…. That works somewhat better.

Great way to raise a narcissist

Love the “reallocating money from vacation fund for house cleaning” idea! Wish I had done that 10 years ago with my neat freak teen 😄

I like this too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is the teen?
I have a 13yo that doesnt do any cooking, she will help if I give specific tasks. I usually assign the dishes to her to do after dinner.
Maybe assign your teen dinner once a week?
I’d tell them no more complaining about clutter. Their room is their room but by rest of the house is shared and it’s nof up to them to decide how it looks.

This is a good idea. Teen is a senior in high school so it’s a stressful time I’ll admit. And the ECs are a lot, but crucial right now for college stuff. But I like the idea of dinner on them once a week.

The ECs are not crucial. Mine had once EC once a month. He got into all 10 schools he applied to.

Not every kid is the same. Some kids are more dedicated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are these kids? I was sick of hearing the complaints from my 15 and 17 yo and dropped the rope. My meals were healthy but what they really meant is I didn’t have meals that they wanted on any given night that fhrh felt like eating.

I gave each the password to the grocery delivery that I use and told them to order as they want and cook for themselves if they didn’t want to eat the meals their dad or I make. I also offered to go any grocery store they wanted once a week and let them shop for anything they wanted.

My 17 yo often orders groceries online. He will ask when I’m about to put in an order and ask if he can add items. It’s working well. My 15 yo will ask to go in person to a store every other week or so to pick out things.

We both work full time and are not their personal chefs. How old is your kid?

Age isn’t the issue. Dc cooked when they were younger. It’s time - zero during the week- and pickiness - sports related.

[Anonymous]

Is your teen's anxiety being treated either through therapy or medication? If not, look into that.

[Anonymous]

Yikes!
You both need to clean up behind yourselves and not just in your bedrooms.

Shared spaces are used by both of you. Clean up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your teen's anxiety being treated either through therapy or medication? If not, look into that.

Does anybody read? Ever?

[Anonymous]

Family meeting on Saturday mornings. IF kid sleeps in or misses it, then they forfeit the right to complain.

Have a large calendar:
-Make a meal plan for the following week. Mark on calendar.
-List events such as practices, games, evening meetings
-Name the one night kid is making meal
-Make a grocery shopping list. Go shopping either Sat or Sun.
-Do some meal prep for the week on Sunday. Kid could prep some protein bowls.
-Every night, set timer for 10 minutes to straighten up clutter.