Need help for a teen who complains but doesn’t help around the house

[Anonymous]

I need realistic actionable items not ‘I’d never let my teen do this!’ unhelpful advice. Or therapy. No therapy suggestions either.

Teen works very hard at school and in their sport and keeps their spaces clean and orderly (probably a little OCD) and does their own laundry (so I guess they do help,…) but often flips out that *I* am not keeping the rest of the house clean enough, there’s too much clutter (partially true but some of it is bc teen can’t handle clutter in their space so puts it in common spaces) and that my cooking skills are weak and I don’t prepare enough healthy foods.

I work FT. Single mom. We also have a dog so that’s an extra chore I handle.

But teen does not help cook. Teens food choices are often unnecessarily picky (no quick or fast meals). And teen does little to nothing to clean the rest of the house.

I’ve told teen they need to help out but they feel like they’re overextended. Well, so am I!!

When teen gets particularly anxious/stressed, they’ll yell and slam doors.

Help.

[Anonymous]

How old is the teen?
I have a 13yo that doesnt do any cooking, she will help if I give specific tasks. I usually assign the dishes to her to do after dinner.
Maybe assign your teen dinner once a week?
I’d tell them no more complaining about clutter. Their room is their room but by rest of the house is shared and it’s nof up to them to decide how it looks.

[Anonymous]

Every time they complain about the house not being clean enough, pick up all their stuff that is in the common area of the house and dump it on top of their bed.

Teenagers are old enough to cook. They should be fixing their own breakfast and packing their own lunch. For dinner, assign them three nights a week to cook.

[Anonymous]

Single mom here. If your kid won't help out around the house because he is overextended with EC activities, it is time to pare down. Mine started to learn how to cook when he was 9 or 10. He made at least two dinners a week starting in MS and continuing through college. He should also choose from a list of chores to do in addition to laundry. Mine usually chooses to vacuum which is good since it is fairly frequent due to our dog. He also walks the dog when I'm busy.

[Anonymous]

Family meeting. Put the question to them—I understand you’re unhappy with clutter in house. Let’s discuss options and you dam choice — you can quit an EC, we can regime dog, you can agree to do vacuuming on weekends, we can reallocate money from vacation fund to house cleaning etc. the idea is to come up with a mutually acceptable option.
I have kids like this and just asking or telling them to do something doesn’t work. But if it’s their idea that they come to after consideration of options and for which they can determine the schedule and otherwise have some control over it…. That works somewhat better.

[Anonymous]

Tell your teen that you are doing your best and you love them, but there are standards you cannot meet, and that you have come to accept yourself as you are, since you are a functional adult who is providing financially for the both of you. You are already doing nearly everything right, and a few imperfections here and there are OK.

Furthermore, tell your teen that they don't get to complain for these minor imperfections, because they haven't yet shown that they can handle a full time job plus care of a household and parenting a child. And that their complaining is their manifestation of anxiety and OCD, which is not, actually, a good thing. And that if they persist, you will recommend they consult with a psychologist because such level of demand is not healthy or normal.

Privately, OP, your kid may be on the autism spectrum. I have a husband and son on the spectrum. They exhibit OCD behaviors, and sometimes over or under-react to triggers because they don't have the normal amount of control over their emotional reactions. Just something to keep in mind, not because there's a magic pill out there, or a cure, but because it may help you understand how to communicate with your child.

[Anonymous]

Wanting healthy food is fair enough.

Cleaning common space is up to them if they want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is the teen?
I have a 13yo that doesnt do any cooking, she will help if I give specific tasks. I usually assign the dishes to her to do after dinner.
Maybe assign your teen dinner once a week?
I’d tell them no more complaining about clutter. Their room is their room but by rest of the house is shared and it’s nof up to them to decide how it looks.

This is a good idea. Teen is a senior in high school so it’s a stressful time I’ll admit. And the ECs are a lot, but crucial right now for college stuff. But I like the idea of dinner on them once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wanting healthy food is fair enough.

Cleaning common space is up to them if they want it.

Honestly I find this the most burdensome. Teen expects a made from scratch healthy balanced meal every night. We’re not talking leftover lasagna with some bread. It’s exhausting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Family meeting. Put the question to them—I understand you’re unhappy with clutter in house. Let’s discuss options and you dam choice — you can quit an EC, we can regime dog, you can agree to do vacuuming on weekends, we can reallocate money from vacation fund to house cleaning etc. the idea is to come up with a mutually acceptable option.
I have kids like this and just asking or telling them to do something doesn’t work. But if it’s their idea that they come to after consideration of options and for which they can determine the schedule and otherwise have some control over it…. That works somewhat better.

This is really great advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time they complain about the house not being clean enough, pick up all their stuff that is in the common area of the house and dump it on top of their bed.

Teenagers are old enough to cook. They should be fixing their own breakfast and packing their own lunch. For dinner, assign them three nights a week to cook.

You didn’t read the post I guess

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Family meeting. Put the question to them—I understand you’re unhappy with clutter in house. Let’s discuss options and you dam choice — you can quit an EC, we can regime dog, you can agree to do vacuuming on weekends, we can reallocate money from vacation fund to house cleaning etc. the idea is to come up with a mutually acceptable option.
I have kids like this and just asking or telling them to do something doesn’t work. But if it’s their idea that they come to after consideration of options and for which they can determine the schedule and otherwise have some control over it…. That works somewhat better.

This is really great advice.

Great advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is the teen?
I have a 13yo that doesnt do any cooking, she will help if I give specific tasks. I usually assign the dishes to her to do after dinner.
Maybe assign your teen dinner once a week?
I’d tell them no more complaining about clutter. Their room is their room but by rest of the house is shared and it’s nof up to them to decide how it looks.

This is a good idea. Teen is a senior in high school so it’s a stressful time I’ll admit. And the ECs are a lot, but crucial right now for college stuff. But I like the idea of dinner on them once a week.

I did not ask my busy high schoolers for regular help, but they were not allowed to complain about the state of the house or the meals - and indeed, they're nice kids who are not given to complaining. Their job was, and is, to study hard, do well in school and extra-curriculars, and pitch in for the household only when I can't do it all. When they were in middle school, both kids got the dusting/vacuuming/mopping done on the weekends while I ran around doing other work. My college kid has had no problems cooking and cleaning for himself in his studio apartment, despite not having done many chores in high school. It's not something that needs to be practiced much, contrary to DCUM belief.

So if you want to prioritize your child's academics and college profile, that's fine. But address the complaining attitude and tell him that's not acceptable at all. You're already doing so much! You're a great parent, OP. I'm telling you, so you don't feel down when your kid implies otherwise

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wanting healthy food is fair enough.

Cleaning common space is up to them if they want it.

Honestly I find this the most burdensome. Teen expects a made from scratch healthy balanced meal every night. We’re not talking leftover lasagna with some bread. It’s exhausting

Well they can make it themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Family meeting. Put the question to them—I understand you’re unhappy with clutter in house. Let’s discuss options and you dam choice — you can quit an EC, we can regime dog, you can agree to do vacuuming on weekends, we can reallocate money from vacation fund to house cleaning etc. the idea is to come up with a mutually acceptable option.
I have kids like this and just asking or telling them to do something doesn’t work. But if it’s their idea that they come to after consideration of options and for which they can determine the schedule and otherwise have some control over it…. That works somewhat better.

Great way to raise a narcissist