unsolicited advice from an experienced parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you help your kids tune out peer pressure? I’m assuming—apologies if I’m wrong—that your children also attend a strong high school.

In our case, my child is surrounded by very competitive students who sometimes brag about their achievements or grades, which often feels intended to intimidate others. Was peer pressure ever an issue for your children, and if so, how did they handle it?

It wasn't a huge issue. Both are top performers and are friends with top performers. Somehow they didn't really seem to compete with their friends. This was really fortunate. My kids are really attuned to not bragging and are friends with nice kids who don't do that either. For instance, one kid is a NMSF. We told the grandparents, that's it. No one else. Of course it was announced but that wasn't our doing.

In one case, one kid did second guess their ED choice because although it's an elite school, they had another school on their list that was tippy top and even more elite. They had friends who ED'ed to tippy top schools which made them second guess their own choice. I think our kid knows now they are at the right school. They got in and are really happy there. The kids who ED'ed to tippy top didn't get in. They are also happy and doing well at great schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Translation: be wealthy enough to afford tutors, multiple standardized test fees and ED. Got it.

OP here. Yes of course having resources helps. If you have the resources, use them. But also prioritize. We watched other families choose things like expensive overseas vacations or jewelry or expensive clothing. We spent what we had on our kids.

but also I don't know what you mean by multiple standardized test fees. My advice is to take either the SAT or the ACT not both, which cuts down on test fees. You can take practice tests for free. One kids took the test once, the other 2x.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people whose kids didn’t get in ED also did all these things. I know we did. So did our friends. All great kids. I’m not saying it’s bad advice but it’s not sufficient.

Of course there are no guaranteed outcomes. But I do think there are things you can do to put your kids in a better position. That's what we did and what this advice is based on. If it doesn't resonate, no one has to follow it.

As I said upthread, I do think it's important to have schools they love at all levels including safeties and to spend as much time and attention on those too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is extremely helpful—thank you.

When it came to finding the best school fit, how did your family decide between REA/SCEA and ED options? We’re often advised to avoid having “dream schools,” but I suspect my child does have certain schools in mind and just isn’t ready to fully share them. From that perspective, I find it tricky to know how best to offer guidance.

Based on my kid’s HS, if you want a shot at getting in early, ED. If you want to be rejected or deferred and spend Xmas freaking out, REA/SCEA.

[Anonymous]

You forgot to add:

- they have to be in the best school system which is MCPS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you help your kids tune out peer pressure? I’m assuming—apologies if I’m wrong—that your children also attend a strong high school.

In our case, my child is surrounded by very competitive students who sometimes brag about their achievements or grades, which often feels intended to intimidate others. Was peer pressure ever an issue for your children, and if so, how did they handle it?

It wasn't a huge issue. Both are top performers and are friends with top performers. Somehow they didn't really seem to compete with their friends. This was really fortunate. My kids are really attuned to not bragging and are friends with nice kids who don't do that either. For instance, one kid is a NMSF. We told the grandparents, that's it. No one else. Of course it was announced but that wasn't our doing.

In one case, one kid did second guess their ED choice because although it's an elite school, they had another school on their list that was tippy top and even more elite. They had friends who ED'ed to tippy top schools which made them second guess their own choice. I think our kid knows now they are at the right school. They got in and are really happy there. The kids who ED'ed to tippy top didn't get in. They are also happy and doing well at great schools.

We often get questions from other parents like, “Did your child win X competition?” or “Did your child participate in Y activity?” or even, “Are you a legacy at Z school?”
It’s honestly nerve-racking—so much so that I’ve decided to keep to myself and not talk much during school visits or events.

[Anonymous]

"Don't pressure them to get top grades. But do get them support if grades go below a B."

I mean ..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You forgot to add:

- they have to be in the best school system which is MCPS.

OP here, well we're not in MCPS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is extremely helpful—thank you.

When it came to finding the best school fit, how did your family decide between REA/SCEA and ED options? We’re often advised to avoid having “dream schools,” but I suspect my child does have certain schools in mind and just isn’t ready to fully share them. From that perspective, I find it tricky to know how best to offer guidance.

Based on my kid’s HS, if you want a shot at getting in early, ED. If you want to be rejected or deferred and spend Xmas freaking out, REA/SCEA.

Around this time, some seniors have already started wearing their college hoodies to school, and it feels kind of strange. I can understand why people will freakout before RD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Don't pressure them to get top grades. But do get them support if grades go below a B."

I mean ..

Here's how it worked: We never said a negative word if grades were below As but above an 80. One kid had one class that was going into the B range and freaked out and we spent a lot of time assuring them that a B is not a bad grade and that life will not end if they don't get an A. Other kid is perfectly fine with Bs, had some, and we always were fine with it too. Always complimented them on Bs and never said they were not good enough. But I feel that when grades are below a B (80), it means they are having trouble with the material and need more support to learn the content. So if/when that happened, we got them that support. For the learning, not the grade.

Of course it's a reality that if they are going to get into top schools, they are going to need mostly As. But you can't get them there through pressure. It's something they need to want and do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you help your kids tune out peer pressure? I’m assuming—apologies if I’m wrong—that your children also attend a strong high school.

In our case, my child is surrounded by very competitive students who sometimes brag about their achievements or grades, which often feels intended to intimidate others. Was peer pressure ever an issue for your children, and if so, how did they handle it?

It wasn't a huge issue. Both are top performers and are friends with top performers. Somehow they didn't really seem to compete with their friends. This was really fortunate. My kids are really attuned to not bragging and are friends with nice kids who don't do that either. For instance, one kid is a NMSF. We told the grandparents, that's it. No one else. Of course it was announced but that wasn't our doing.

In one case, one kid did second guess their ED choice because although it's an elite school, they had another school on their list that was tippy top and even more elite. They had friends who ED'ed to tippy top schools which made them second guess their own choice. I think our kid knows now they are at the right school. They got in and are really happy there. The kids who ED'ed to tippy top didn't get in. They are also happy and doing well at great schools.

We often get questions from other parents like, “Did your child win X competition?” or “Did your child participate in Y activity?” or even, “Are you a legacy at Z school?”
It’s honestly nerve-racking—so much so that I’ve decided to keep to myself and not talk much during school visits or events.

OP here. That sounds really annoying. Are you comfortable saying which school or school system? No one has ever asked me those things about my kids. I think it's because there are a lot of high achieving kids and parents who went to top schools themselves.

[Anonymous]

Helpful original post

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you help your kids tune out peer pressure? I’m assuming—apologies if I’m wrong—that your children also attend a strong high school.

In our case, my child is surrounded by very competitive students who sometimes brag about their achievements or grades, which often feels intended to intimidate others. Was peer pressure ever an issue for your children, and if so, how did they handle it?

It wasn't a huge issue. Both are top performers and are friends with top performers. Somehow they didn't really seem to compete with their friends. This was really fortunate. My kids are really attuned to not bragging and are friends with nice kids who don't do that either. For instance, one kid is a NMSF. We told the grandparents, that's it. No one else. Of course it was announced but that wasn't our doing.

In one case, one kid did second guess their ED choice because although it's an elite school, they had another school on their list that was tippy top and even more elite. They had friends who ED'ed to tippy top schools which made them second guess their own choice. I think our kid knows now they are at the right school. They got in and are really happy there. The kids who ED'ed to tippy top didn't get in. They are also happy and doing well at great schools.

We often get questions from other parents like, “Did your child win X competition?” or “Did your child participate in Y activity?” or even, “Are you a legacy at Z school?”
It’s honestly nerve-racking—so much so that I’ve decided to keep to myself and not talk much during school visits or events.

OP here. That sounds really annoying. Are you comfortable saying which school or school system? No one has ever asked me those things about my kids. I think it's because there are a lot of high achieving kids and parents who went to top schools themselves.

We’re at one of the feeder schools in the West. Sometimes, I even feel forced to hear about other students’ grades during parent events. People can be so careless with gossip. And yes that does happen among some of the high achieving parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you help your kids tune out peer pressure? I’m assuming—apologies if I’m wrong—that your children also attend a strong high school.

In our case, my child is surrounded by very competitive students who sometimes brag about their achievements or grades, which often feels intended to intimidate others. Was peer pressure ever an issue for your children, and if so, how did they handle it?

It wasn't a huge issue. Both are top performers and are friends with top performers. Somehow they didn't really seem to compete with their friends. This was really fortunate. My kids are really attuned to not bragging and are friends with nice kids who don't do that either. For instance, one kid is a NMSF. We told the grandparents, that's it. No one else. Of course it was announced but that wasn't our doing.

In one case, one kid did second guess their ED choice because although it's an elite school, they had another school on their list that was tippy top and even more elite. They had friends who ED'ed to tippy top schools which made them second guess their own choice. I think our kid knows now they are at the right school. They got in and are really happy there. The kids who ED'ed to tippy top didn't get in. They are also happy and doing well at great schools.

We often get questions from other parents like, “Did your child win X competition?” or “Did your child participate in Y activity?” or even, “Are you a legacy at Z school?”
It’s honestly nerve-racking—so much so that I’ve decided to keep to myself and not talk much during school visits or events.

OP here. That sounds really annoying. Are you comfortable saying which school or school system? No one has ever asked me those things about my kids. I think it's because there are a lot of high achieving kids and parents who went to top schools themselves.

We’re at one of the feeder schools in the West. Sometimes, I even feel forced to hear about other students’ grades during parent events. People can be so careless with gossip. And yes that does happen among some of the high achieving parents.

That sounds really annoying. We didn't have anyone ask us this unsolicited. But then I try to avoid braggy people who are like this and my kids are not friends with this type either. So I guess I'd say to avoid as much as you can and try to encourage your kids to as much as they can. I know there's only so much you can do when kids take certain classes but they can control who they hang out with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You forgot to add:

- they have to be in the best school system which is MCPS.

OP here, well we're not in MCPS.

What?!?