Dealing with Grandparents who are Clueless about College Admissions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you stop with the "immigrants" not knowing stuff? I'm a foreigner, and an immigrant to this country, and I know the college admissions process.

You are simply dealing with people who have ambitions but no current knowledge. I know middle-aged Caucasian Americans like this!

So you educate them, shut them down, whatever you want. My mother has no filter, on any topic, so we limit the time we spend with her. Many of us deal with difficult elders or relatives. It is what it is.

OP here. Sorry, I did not mean to suggest anything about immigrants. My parents are immigrants too. It's not only that they don't have current knowledge, but they think that HYPSM are the only good schools in the country and if they have never heard of the school, it cannot be a good school.

[Anonymous]

I think the foreign grandparents want to brag in front of other relatives, and quite often, they only know about Ivy+ schools. That is tbe case in our family. My kid was so proud after their UVA acceptance, but that school is not on their radar.

[Anonymous]

Plastics

[Anonymous]

“Larla is very excited with her college choice. Please be supportive and happy for her.”

[Anonymous]

Ignore. Teach your child to ignore. My dad is convinced our DD could get a full ride D1 scholarship in her sport. I love DD, but there is no way. Not even close.

I chalk it up to a combination of his ignorance and grandparents by default thinking their grandkids are excellent at everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess it was two years ago.. I’ve been on here too long, LOL

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1139454.page

OP here. Thanks for the laugh. There's nothing new under the sun in DCUM!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell DH what they said and ask him to explain the nuances to them and the reasons your DC applied ED to the ED school. Give them a chance to understand. Communication is key.

Then work on not caring what they think.

OP here. Of course I told DH what they said. He just said they are idiots and wrong about a lot of things. I don't think he cares what they think, but I am more of an empath and of course want my kid to be shielded from their grandparents' negativity.

Thankfully, most teenagers are old enough to not care what grandparents think. The age/generation gap is huge, and they’re a degree removed, emotionally, even when they see their grandparents regularly.

I think you know this is about you. I say that kindly, as a fellow empath/sometimes “pleaser” who tends to work very (too?) hard to be understood.

I’ve learned that my life is not a consensus experience. Nor are the lives of my kids, my DH or anyone else.

There will always be people who disagree or don’t understand. And that’s ok. Everyone’s entitled to have their own opinion, informed, uninformed or otherwise.

The only thing I can control is my own thoughts, choices, and behaviors - including how I react to other people.

It sounds like you you, your DC, and your DH are all very happy with your choices here. Ground yourself in that thought and let other people’s opinions roll off you.

PS. One of my mantras is, “Opinions are like belly buttons. Everyone has one.” Those opinions are only special or impactful if you choose to make them that way. So don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell DH what they said and ask him to explain the nuances to them and the reasons your DC applied ED to the ED school. Give them a chance to understand. Communication is key.

Then work on not caring what they think.

OP here. Of course I told DH what they said. He just said they are idiots and wrong about a lot of things. I don't think he cares what they think, but I am more of an empath and of course want my kid to be shielded from their grandparents' negativity.

Thankfully, most teenagers are old enough to not care what grandparents think. The age/generation gap is huge, and they’re a degree removed, emotionally, even when they see their grandparents regularly.

I think you know this is about you. I say that kindly, as a fellow empath/sometimes “pleaser” who tends to work very (too?) hard to be understood.

I’ve learned that my life is not a consensus experience. Nor are the lives of my kids, my DH or anyone else.

There will always be people who disagree or don’t understand. And that’s ok. Everyone’s entitled to have their own opinion, informed, uninformed or otherwise.

The only thing I can control is my own thoughts, choices, and behaviors - including how I react to other people.

It sounds like you you, your DC, and your DH are all very happy with your choices here. Ground yourself in that thought and let other people’s opinions roll off you.

PS. One of my mantras is, “Opinions are like belly buttons. Everyone has one.” Those opinions are only special or impactful if you choose to make them that way. So don’t.

Oh, and good luck!! I know from experience this is not easy. 💗

[Anonymous]

Be kind, but firm.

My sibling and I went to the same school (and loved it!) and my mother thinks every grandchild should go there, regardless of what the kids actually want in a college. I just repeat that my alma mater doesn't have the program/activity/location/size that Larla wants.

She's losing it a little bit, so I have to say it A LOT. Kind, but firm. It works. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Just tell them she goes to Harvard and get them a sweatshirt. They are probably a little demented and won’t know any difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD applied ED to her first choice school. We are very supportive of her well decision and cautiously optimistic. The problem is my in-laws who live in a nearby suburb and whom we see at least twice a month. On one of our recent visits, they told me (but not in front of DD or DH) how upset they were when they heard DD applied to X school rather than an "Ivy League" school. They are immigrants and don't get that Ivy is a sports league.

I told them that X is a wonderful school and that all of these top schools are darn near impossible to get into these days (I previously told them that a lot of these top schools reject 90-95% of applicants now so they are darn near impossible to get in).

In-laws are in their 80s so there's no changing who they are and due to a language barrier (and general exasperation talking to them about anything), it's hard to explain all of the nuances of holistic admissions, institutional priorities, geographic diversity, etc.

Anyway, we are hearing back from the ED school this week. Any advice on how to not care about the in-laws' reaction?

Show kindness and don't take their ignorance to the heart. Let kid know that they don't mean ill and are only trying to see things from the lenses they have. Its hard to understand new system this late in age but try to educate them as you would educate a child with patience. It's frustrating but kindness extends to aging family as well not just to strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Laugh about it. We still tell stories about when my grandpa asked if my fiancé directly whether he had put on some weight. And so many other things.

Good discussion with my kids about how not to be in the modern world (but also that the same grandfather worked in a factory starting at age 12). And loves you very much.

Oh, and buy grandparents merch for the holidays.

This^. Get them excited with merch and soon they'll be his school's cheerleaders.

[Anonymous]

My mother told DS she will pay 100% of his tuition if he goes to Carnegie Mellon, her Alma mater. But ONLY there. Refusing to understand that it’s a different world since the 60s when she went. Plus, who knows if that is a school
DS will even want to apply to? Still a few years out. It’s unbelievably frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother told DS she will pay 100% of his tuition if he goes to Carnegie Mellon, her Alma mater. But ONLY there. Refusing to understand that it’s a different world since the 60s when she went. Plus, who knows if that is a school
DS will even want to apply to? Still a few years out. It’s unbelievably frustrating.

Wow! That is not cool

[Anonymous]

Luckily by the time the kids are 17/18 they are fully aware how crazy their grandparents are. Out of touch immigrant Boomers who are obsessed with the Ivy league brand--whatever. No one cares.