ADHD Teen Quitting Everything When it Matters

[Anonymous]

There’s constant conflict in our household and it’s also affecting my marriage. I am extremely upset and frustrated with my husband for being a poor male role model and for his lack of male leadership in this situation.

What do you mean by a lack of male leadership? I'm genuinely asking (have been a single mom for the past seven years, my ex is basically a nice guy to my son but lives quite far and so involvement is necessarily not that much).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few thoughts. My son has ADHD and anxiety, and is a year older (a junior). He also refused to meaningfully participate in any therapy, so I stopped sending him (which he agreed with), because it was a waste of everyone's time, money, and effort. He is willing to see a psychiatrist 4xs per year for ADHD meds, so that is good at least.
It is also normal for kids to quit activities they formally liked (my son quit travel soccer and band) as their personalities changed, but not being involved in anything at all is a non-starter, because this is how kids with disabilities manage to make and keep social connections. My son got involved in a technology and computer science club at school, and picked up a volunteer activity. Is there something else your son would we willing to try?

Op here. I think our sons are twins! I am going to try to get him involved with something. Anything! It’s been a struggle. How did you convince your DS?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That longer post above sounds like valuable information. I would try family therapy where he won’t feel so much like the one with the problem and I’d require him to go and be polite or I’d take his phone and give him a flip phone. Depression sounds like it is making him irritable and making him lose interest in things.

I would also take him now on a college tour to a school that would be a safety school in your mind. Let him see what he is working for. He needs hope. Do you know a current college student who could talk positively to him about how it’s worth working for?

At the same time, I’d start communicating about the other ways to be busy after high school, like a gap year, community college, vocational education, or whatever. Remember that a kid with ADHD has a less mature brain. He might be ready for college later than others. Not every kid goes the traditional four year college route.

My sister died after a bad report card, and in the note she left she said she knew she wouldn’t get into college. This was not true, and there was little college pressure 50 years ago compared to now, but they hear it from other kids.

First, treat the depression, get a drug test just in case, and do family therapy. His siblings need a chance to be heard, too.

OP here. Thank you for sharing your experience and this meaningful advice. I am definitely concerned and will be looking for family therapy. I think he’d be more inclined to attend if we all went including siblings. And yes they deserve the support too. Especially the younger one.

[Anonymous]

A few thoughts. My son has ADHD and anxiety, and is a year older (a junior). He also refused to meaningfully participate in any therapy, so I stopped sending him (which he agreed with), because it was a waste of everyone's time, money, and effort. He is willing to see a psychiatrist 4xs per year for ADHD meds, so that is good at least.
It is also normal for kids to quit activities they formally liked (my son quit travel soccer and band) as their personalities changed, but not being involved in anything at all is a non-starter, because this is how kids with disabilities manage to make and keep social connections. My son got involved in a technology and computer science club at school, and picked up a volunteer activity. Is there something else your son would we willing to try?


Op here. I think our sons are twins! I am going to try to get him involved with something. Anything! It’s been a struggle. How did you convince your DS?

I told him he could of course quit soccer and band, but had to choose another club in order for me to continue allowing him to have a TV in his room and access to his gaming computer. He agreed to give this club a try, and wound up liking the other people in it. I would say they are more in-school friends than outside of school friends (they will very occasionally do something for a birthday), but it is a better situation than he was in before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of this is not out of the ordinary but from what I see with my kids and friends’ kids, your son’s behavior is on the extreme end. I think it’s good that you’re taking him to a doctor.

For perspective, what you’re seeing is in line with the onset of my son’s bipolar disorder. Not saying your son has bipolar, just that he seems beyond the bounds of ordinary teen behavior.

Op here. Thank you and yes I have been concerned about bipolar for a while now. We don’t have a family history of it, but the signs seem to be there. I appreciate the validation. It’s been on my radar for a while, but the psychiatrists have said they don’t diagnose bipolar in minors.

Hi OP. I’m here to counter this opinion about bipolar. My DD is ADHD with a bipolar grandparent. She was diagnosed with combined ADHD in elementary, but unmedicated until a mental health crisis in middle school which coincided with puberty. Things were very bad, including extreme highs and lows and a disassociative episode that required an ER visit. We were very concerned about bipolar. Her child psychiatrist assured us it was not bipolar and he was right. She was completely stabilized on an SSRI and stimulant and it’s been four years.

The psychiatrist said “it will be obvious that she has bipolar” her behavior will be extreme. She won’t be sleeping, her mood won’t go up and down in 24 hours. That isn’t how it works. Your son sounds like he has functional depression, ADHD, and hormones. The fact that he was so active with sports and now isn’t is sure to be contributing to this cycle. It is proven that exercise treats depression and ADHD.

To the PP with the bipolar son, I understand that every kid is different and I think it’s so important that you share your experience with others. I hope your son is doing well!

[Anonymous]

Can you set up a weekly time to hang out with him and not discuss college, grades, or anything YOU want? Let him lead the conversation/activity - play video games with him if you have to!

It’s so easy to forget to connect with sullen teenage boys but they need to feel loved and safe too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

There’s constant conflict in our household and it’s also affecting my marriage. I am extremely upset and frustrated with my husband for being a poor male role model and for his lack of male leadership in this situation.

What do you mean by a lack of male leadership? I'm genuinely asking (have been a single mom for the past seven years, my ex is basically a nice guy to my son but lives quite far and so involvement is necessarily not that much).

Op here. Re lack of male leadership or role model - again, this is just my opinion and the situation in my immediate household. I am not a single mom - my husband is a nice guy and around and lives in the same household - but he is completely not involved with DS and has very little desire to do anything or go anywhere with him. He doesn’t have meaningful discussions with him about anything. He doesn’t take him out to play soccer, jog, go for a bike ride, throw a football, walk the dog, camp, go fishing, or do the other typical Dad things I see neighborhood dads doing with their sons. He hasn’t talked to him about puberty or related. When I ask him to have a father/son talk about puberty he says “I learned about puberty from stealing my dad’s playboys and so can DS.” DS used to talk to me but now I can tell he isn’t comfortable always confiding in me anymore. He wishes he had an older brother he said. The times DH has gone to appointments with DS he sugarcoats the problems which is counterproductive. When I wanted to have DS repeat a grade to catch up maturity wise, DH pushed back and got DS against the idea.

In some ways being a single parent I’d almost easier than having a spouse who is disinterested or counter productive.

[Anonymous]

Not to dismiss your concerns, but I've not yet a parent of a 14/15 year old dealing with the same stuff. I'm sure they are out there, but I don't know anyone with a motivated 15 year old that's pleasant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to dismiss your concerns, but I've not yet a parent of a 14/15 year old dealing with the same stuff. I'm sure they are out there, but I don't know anyone with a motivated 15 year old that's pleasant.

Not OP, but this is true only to a point. My kid isn’t self-motivated to do homework but isn’t cursing at me when I make him to do it (I get sighs and eye rolls), nor is he quitting activities. This seems beyond normal teen sullenness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of this is not out of the ordinary but from what I see with my kids and friends’ kids, your son’s behavior is on the extreme end. I think it’s good that you’re taking him to a doctor.

For perspective, what you’re seeing is in line with the onset of my son’s bipolar disorder. Not saying your son has bipolar, just that he seems beyond the bounds of ordinary teen behavior.

Op here. Thank you and yes I have been concerned about bipolar for a while now. We don’t have a family history of it, but the signs seem to be there. I appreciate the validation. It’s been on my radar for a while, but the psychiatrists have said they don’t diagnose bipolar in minors.

Bipolar should have cycles between depression and mania - either florid or hypomania. Yes, some mania presents as dysphoric, I.e. irritable, but there should be other accompanying signs in mania - staying up late, increased goal or pleasure directed activities, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, you seem so focused on repeating a grade as the magic solution that if only your DH agreed would have solved everything. The data shows that merely repeating a grade doesn’t solve problems for SN kids.

For bright kids, and for ADHD, repeating a grade could be detrimental. ADHD kids are motivated by interest, challenge, novelty and urgency. Can you imagine how boring it would be to repeat a grade?

For SN kids, it’s better to support with explicit instruction, and in ADHD that would be something like (in addition to medication) executive function coach (not you) social skills instruction, self-advocacy support, whatever is appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you seem so focused on repeating a grade as the magic solution that if only your DH agreed would have solved everything. The data shows that merely repeating a grade doesn’t solve problems for SN kids.

For bright kids, and for ADHD, repeating a grade could be detrimental. ADHD kids are motivated by interest, challenge, novelty and urgency. Can you imagine how boring it would be to repeat a grade?

For SN kids, it’s better to support with explicit instruction, and in ADHD that would be something like (in addition to medication) executive function coach (not you) social skills instruction, self-advocacy support, whatever is appropriate.

OP here. I appreciate these thoughts but still believe repeating a grade would have helped. He would have done it in private and as a September birthday along with his issues he really could have benefited from another year. He has classmates who are a year and a half older than him. For boys especially it makes a difference. He’s extremely immature and a late bloomer physically and mentally on top of the adhd.

[Anonymous]

You may also want to talk to his doctor about changing his ADHD meds. My 17 YO has reported that certain of his meds made him irritable. It is a tough path to find the meds that give him the right amount of focus but don’t make him angry. We also added an SSRI, which has helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There’s constant conflict in our household and it’s also affecting my marriage. I am extremely upset and frustrated with my husband for being a poor male role model and for his lack of male leadership in this situation.

What do you mean by a lack of male leadership? I'm genuinely asking (have been a single mom for the past seven years, my ex is basically a nice guy to my son but lives quite far and so involvement is necessarily not that much).

Op here. Re lack of male leadership or role model - again, this is just my opinion and the situation in my immediate household. I am not a single mom - my husband is a nice guy and around and lives in the same household - but he is completely not involved with DS and has very little desire to do anything or go anywhere with him. He doesn’t have meaningful discussions with him about anything. He doesn’t take him out to play soccer, jog, go for a bike ride, throw a football, walk the dog, camp, go fishing, or do the other typical Dad things I see neighborhood dads doing with their sons. He hasn’t talked to him about puberty or related. When I ask him to have a father/son talk about puberty he says “I learned about puberty from stealing my dad’s playboys and so can DS.” DS used to talk to me but now I can tell he isn’t comfortable always confiding in me anymore. He wishes he had an older brother he said. The times DH has gone to appointments with DS he sugarcoats the problems which is counterproductive. When I wanted to have DS repeat a grade to catch up maturity wise, DH pushed back and got DS against the idea.

In some ways being a single parent I’d almost easier than having a spouse who is disinterested or counter productive.

That's really heartbreaking. I had a super disinterested dad and it hit me (a girl) differently than my brother. I think it really hit his sense of self. As in, if my dad doesn't want to hang out with me and doesn't find me inherently interesting and valuable just for being me, what am I worth, really? I don't have any magic words for you but I am sad for you and your son. My mother also lacked the ability to make my dad see reason here. And now neither of them have more than a surface-level relationship with us. If you have any ability to talk some sense into your DH and get him to care, DO IT.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I checked the date on your post and the thread to make sure I wasn’t in a different forum. There have been similar in different forums lately. I’m a HS teacher, with teens of my own. I see a lot of teens with and without disabilities. One of mine has SN and the other doesn’t.

So many stop long time activities in HS, especially sports, scouts and music. Stop the worry about college. He WILL have so many options. Both of my kids stopped their long time sport after 9th grade, suddenly. They were just done. And life went on. It took time but they found other things.

And read up on the college forum. You will see that these don’t necessarily help with admission anyway. Sure, maybe if he’s a recruited player or and Eagle Scout but that’s so few. Give your son space to grow and develop.

Puberty hit my kid with SN hard. He had to leave school for a while for therapies and drop all EC for a year and get by with homebound tutoring. He still had his choice of many colleges.