ADHD Teen Quitting Everything When it Matters

[Anonymous]

My teenage son who is a sophomore in high school is pretty severely ADHD. He was diagnosed in eighth grade when he was 12 and failing out of school despite being bright. When the school tested him, they said his ADHD was so severe they could barely get him to focus enough to complete the evaluations After those test results. We started him on medication and saw a turnaround pretty quickly, including through ninth grade.

He is a late bloomer and now as a sophomore is just starting to hit puberty. We are seeing some pretty significant changes in his attitude and a lot of regression. I am wondering if this is normal. For example, his grades are starting to slip again, he is always sullen and moody and is showing a lot of disrespect and impatience towards parents and siblings: Cursing at us and telling us to shut up is a routine occurrence even when we ask him something as simple as did you finish your homework? He is harassing his siblings endlessly, trying to antagonize them and get them upset. We used to have good communication, but now he doesn’t want to talk or interact when I try to ask him about what’s going on.

Most concerning is that he has quit basically every activity that he enjoys. For example soccer, where he played travel, he also was on the rowing team and quit that, he quit Boy Scouts, and he quit playing his instrument and quit high school band, which he always enjoyed, especially because they would go on trips to theme parks once a year to compete. Now he is not doing anything. I don’t know if this is a function of puberty, a function of ADHD, and any related oppositional issues, but I am concerned about him. We are talking with his doctor tomorrow, but I’m wondering if other parents of teen boys have seen this shift or transition? A year ago he was doing much better and was on a good trajectory, but now is regressing right when it matters in high school and colleges will take notice.

My husband has not been particularly involved or proactive. If anything, the two of them have been fighting a lot more than usual and the fights have escalated into physical type reactions because they get so worked up. He doesn’t know how to handle the oppositional refusal to do anything.

Our son has had a lot of behavioral issues since he was young, which we attributed to his ADHD because they improved once he was on appropriate medication. But now it’s like déjà vu all over again. There’s constant conflict in our household and it’s also affecting my marriage. I am extremely upset and frustrated with my husband for being a poor male role model and for his lack of male leadership in this situation. Our son is also verbally abusive to his siblings, which is not healthy or acceptable.

Would appreciate any advice or thoughts about next steps. My son has been to so many therapist and so many psychiatrist at this point the therapy never sticks, because my son just won’t participate. He will either sit with his hoodie over his face, or he will sit literally under the table, or he will turn his back to the camera or turn his back to the person, at one point he had his hoodie pulled tightly with strings closed over his face while the therapist sat across from him. It’s like he thinks it’s funny. I can see him smirking through the hoodie.

[Anonymous]

I can relate. We went through something similar with my now junior. He refuses to participate in therapy and his therapist told it was was pointless until he wanted help.

What helped- we changed schools mid-year sophomore year bc school was a constant cause of stress for him. He’s now at a less challenging, smaller school where he’s more comfortable and is excelling without the competition. We’ve done neurofeedback, which helped tremendously and almost immediately with his sleep and also reduced his irritability. We added a SSRI (he’s also taking a stimulant).

DH and I comment about how pleasant he can be now and how he engages us in nice conversation, not just arguments.

[Anonymous]

I think some of this is not out of the ordinary but from what I see with my kids and friends’ kids, your son’s behavior is on the extreme end. I think it’s good that you’re taking him to a doctor.

For perspective, what you’re seeing is in line with the onset of my son’s bipolar disorder. Not saying your son has bipolar, just that he seems beyond the bounds of ordinary teen behavior.

[Anonymous]

Just here to say I’m sorry you are going through this. I know how challenging the oppositional behavior can be because I have a younger child with ADHD who flies off the handle at the most benign inquiry or comment. It takes a toll on the entire family system. We’ve been looking into therapy and neurofeedback, too, but we don’t want to throw money and time at something unless we know it will improve things. My understanding is that the child needs to be part of the selection process for a therapist to build buy-in. I worry as one activity after another is being dropped, too, because exercise is super important for the ADHD mind and body! Hugs — and I hope you get some breakthrough ideas here.

[Anonymous]

Also maybe keep in mind the possibility that seasonal affective disorder may make everything worse in the winter/mid-school year. We didn’t notice this for several years - and not just mild winter blues but a large impact.

[Anonymous]

My ADHD DS also got sullen and aggressive in HS. I don’t think it is strictly puberty hormones. Although that is definitely a contributing factor. There were a variety of things that helped.

First, and most important, was getting on an SSRI. Zoloft really helped. I think he felt the difference. He stayed on it through much of high school, and then stopped in college on his own. He had another period of depression in college, but he got through it without medication, and I don’t think he’s taken an SSRI since and he seems fine and happy. That’s just illustrate that taking an SSRI doesn’t have to be forever. I would definitely encourage you to go back to the psychiatrist who’s prescribing the ADHD medication and see if that needs to be adjusted. It would be quite common in puberty to have to adjust dosage or type of medication. There are options in addition to stimulants – SSRI or something like atomoxetine.

Another thing that helped was making it clear to him that I really thought he would like college both socially and academically, and that there are 1 million colleges to go to only a few of which require straight A’s. I explicitly said I thought that high school was going to be more of a challenge than college and that the trick was going to be to try and get through high school well enough that he had some choices about where to go to college. I really explicitly said that the same part of his ADHD that made high school really difficult was not going to be as much of a problem in college. In high school, kids with ADHD cannot rely on their motivation by interest because they’re obliged to take classes that they find uninteresting. They also have to sit in a classroom seat all day and manage 7 classes with homework every day. College, I promised him would be better. He could take only classes that he was interested in. He would only have four or five classes. He would be in the classroom for only like 10 to 15 hours a week.He would have probably fewer assignments overall. I really think part of his aggression in high school was a growing worry that he wouldn’t be able to move onto college like his peers and he was just incredibly frustrated. We encouraged him to try to navigate high school by selecting classes he was interested in and also acknowledging that if some of those were challenging, it would still be OK with us if he didn’t get A’s. We encouraged him to use his accommodations more in terms of extra time and renegotiating deadlines. And we stood up to teachers who refused to cooperate. We also encouraged him to select some classes that would fill his time without creating more of an academic burden – pottery, or doing a TA with a teacher in an area of interest.

I also shifted my parenting. I don’t think negative consequences were particularly helpful, even though that’s what you’re encouraged to do as a parent. What was helpful was in a calm moment saying in a non-shaming way that I understood that he was really angry sometimes, but verbal abuse and physical aggression or intimidation was never OK and that I did treat him that way and I expected him not to treat others that way. I said if he was getting angry I would always be OK to ask to take a break or if he yelled that he could apologize.

He also initially rejected therapy. He didn’t like the initial therapist I took him to. I had to have several conversations with him after that explaining that therapy was just one of many tools and and that as a parent, my job was to offer him the tools, but I couldn’t force him to use any particular tool. I also said it was a little bit like dating – you had to find someone that you clicked with, but you don’t want a person who’s just gonna tell you what you wanna hear. I also made it clear that whatever he discussed was private. I encouraged him to meet a few more therapists and see if there was somebody he felt more comfortable with. Eventually, he did do therapy. TBH, I don’t think therapy was as useful as the SSRI, and I also don’t think he could have participated in therapy without the SSRI.

His dad was not helpful in any way. He was not a role model in any way. I had to let that go and just accept that it was all on me. Fortunately, for us, dad had not been in the household for a long time. Had he been, I would’ve insisted on family/Parent therapy.

At this age, I really had to keep acknowledging that he was in control, that I couldn’t force him to do anything, but that as a parent, I did have a little bit more experience and knowledge about the benefits of psychiatry and therapy, so I hoped he would at least give it a chance and go and evaluate for himself whether it could be helpful rather than deciding in advance that it wouldn’t work.

I say this kindly, but I think you really have to let go of the “regressing right when it matters“ mindset. He can feel that you’re judging him and that you think he is ruining his life and that’s not helpful.

[Anonymous]

this might not be the adhd, could be a mental health condition appearing. get him checked out.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to your doctor and have him evaluated for anxiety. ADHD is the quick, easy thing to diagnose and treat. However, anxiety may be what’s at the heart of his struggles.

[Anonymous]

That longer post above sounds like valuable information. I would try family therapy where he won’t feel so much like the one with the problem and I’d require him to go and be polite or I’d take his phone and give him a flip phone. Depression sounds like it is making him irritable and making him lose interest in things.

I would also take him now on a college tour to a school that would be a safety school in your mind. Let him see what he is working for. He needs hope. Do you know a current college student who could talk positively to him about how it’s worth working for?

At the same time, I’d start communicating about the other ways to be busy after high school, like a gap year, community college, vocational education, or whatever. Remember that a kid with ADHD has a less mature brain. He might be ready for college later than others. Not every kid goes the traditional four year college route.

My sister died after a bad report card, and in the note she left she said she knew she wouldn’t get into college. This was not true, and there was little college pressure 50 years ago compared to now, but they hear it from other kids.

First, treat the depression, get a drug test just in case, and do family therapy. His siblings need a chance to be heard, too.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am tearing up reading these posts and am so grateful for the support and replies! I am going through and reply in kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can relate. We went through something similar with my now junior. He refuses to participate in therapy and his therapist told it was was pointless until he wanted help.

What helped- we changed schools mid-year sophomore year bc school was a constant cause of stress for him. He’s now at a less challenging, smaller school where he’s more comfortable and is excelling without the competition. We’ve done neurofeedback, which helped tremendously and almost immediately with his sleep and also reduced his irritability. We added a SSRI (he’s also taking a stimulant).

DH and I comment about how pleasant he can be now and how he engages us in nice conversation, not just arguments.

Op Here. Thank you. I am definitely going to ask about an antidepressant or maybe shifting from his stimulant to a medication like Wellbutrin that has combined qualities. Unfortunately we can’t move schools at this point. I tried to move him and have him repeat a grade in 5th and again in 8th bc he’s a September bday and is very young for his grade but my husband said no and DS also was pushing back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think some of this is not out of the ordinary but from what I see with my kids and friends’ kids, your son’s behavior is on the extreme end. I think it’s good that you’re taking him to a doctor.

For perspective, what you’re seeing is in line with the onset of my son’s bipolar disorder. Not saying your son has bipolar, just that he seems beyond the bounds of ordinary teen behavior.

Op here. Thank you and yes I have been concerned about bipolar for a while now. We don’t have a family history of it, but the signs seem to be there. I appreciate the validation. It’s been on my radar for a while, but the psychiatrists have said they don’t diagnose bipolar in minors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of this is not out of the ordinary but from what I see with my kids and friends’ kids, your son’s behavior is on the extreme end. I think it’s good that you’re taking him to a doctor.

For perspective, what you’re seeing is in line with the onset of my son’s bipolar disorder. Not saying your son has bipolar, just that he seems beyond the bounds of ordinary teen behavior.

Op here. Thank you and yes I have been concerned about bipolar for a while now. We don’t have a family history of it, but the signs seem to be there. I appreciate the validation. It’s been on my radar for a while, but the psychiatrists have said they don’t diagnose bipolar in minors.

PP here. You’re right that they won’t give an official diagnosis. It got really bad for my son and after awhile everyone stopped avoiding the diagnosis. I hope you find answers soon and can get effective treatment.

Just a quick warning. Getting medications optimal is so hard during puberty. It can be discouraging but it gets easier when hormones settle down.

[Anonymous]

A few thoughts. My son has ADHD and anxiety, and is a year older (a junior). He also refused to meaningfully participate in any therapy, so I stopped sending him (which he agreed with), because it was a waste of everyone's time, money, and effort. He is willing to see a psychiatrist 4xs per year for ADHD meds, so that is good at least.
It is also normal for kids to quit activities they formally liked (my son quit travel soccer and band) as their personalities changed, but not being involved in anything at all is a non-starter, because this is how kids with disabilities manage to make and keep social connections. My son got involved in a technology and computer science club at school, and picked up a volunteer activity. Is there something else your son would we willing to try?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ADHD DS also got sullen and aggressive in HS. I don’t think it is strictly puberty hormones. Although that is definitely a contributing factor. There were a variety of things that helped.

First, and most important, was getting on an SSRI. Zoloft really helped. I think he felt the difference. He stayed on it through much of high school, and then stopped in college on his own. He had another period of depression in college, but he got through it without medication, and I don’t think he’s taken an SSRI since and he seems fine and happy. That’s just illustrate that taking an SSRI doesn’t have to be forever. I would definitely encourage you to go back to the psychiatrist who’s prescribing the ADHD medication and see if that needs to be adjusted. It would be quite common in puberty to have to adjust dosage or type of medication. There are options in addition to stimulants – SSRI or something like atomoxetine.

Another thing that helped was making it clear to him that I really thought he would like college both socially and academically, and that there are 1 million colleges to go to only a few of which require straight A’s. I explicitly said I thought that high school was going to be more of a challenge than college and that the trick was going to be to try and get through high school well enough that he had some choices about where to go to college. I really explicitly said that the same part of his ADHD that made high school really difficult was not going to be as much of a problem in college. In high school, kids with ADHD cannot rely on their motivation by interest because they’re obliged to take classes that they find uninteresting. They also have to sit in a classroom seat all day and manage 7 classes with homework every day. College, I promised him would be better. He could take only classes that he was interested in. He would only have four or five classes. He would be in the classroom for only like 10 to 15 hours a week.He would have probably fewer assignments overall. I really think part of his aggression in high school was a growing worry that he wouldn’t be able to move onto college like his peers and he was just incredibly frustrated. We encouraged him to try to navigate high school by selecting classes he was interested in and also acknowledging that if some of those were challenging, it would still be OK with us if he didn’t get A’s. We encouraged him to use his accommodations more in terms of extra time and renegotiating deadlines. And we stood up to teachers who refused to cooperate. We also encouraged him to select some classes that would fill his time without creating more of an academic burden – pottery, or doing a TA with a teacher in an area of interest.

I also shifted my parenting. I don’t think negative consequences were particularly helpful, even though that’s what you’re encouraged to do as a parent. What was helpful was in a calm moment saying in a non-shaming way that I understood that he was really angry sometimes, but verbal abuse and physical aggression or intimidation was never OK and that I did treat him that way and I expected him not to treat others that way. I said if he was getting angry I would always be OK to ask to take a break or if he yelled that he could apologize.

He also initially rejected therapy. He didn’t like the initial therapist I took him to. I had to have several conversations with him after that explaining that therapy was just one of many tools and and that as a parent, my job was to offer him the tools, but I couldn’t force him to use any particular tool. I also said it was a little bit like dating – you had to find someone that you clicked with, but you don’t want a person who’s just gonna tell you what you wanna hear. I also made it clear that whatever he discussed was private. I encouraged him to meet a few more therapists and see if there was somebody he felt more comfortable with. Eventually, he did do therapy. TBH, I don’t think therapy was as useful as the SSRI, and I also don’t think he could have participated in therapy without the SSRI.

His dad was not helpful in any way. He was not a role model in any way. I had to let that go and just accept that it was all on me. Fortunately, for us, dad had not been in the household for a long time. Had he been, I would’ve insisted on family/Parent therapy.

At this age, I really had to keep acknowledging that he was in control, that I couldn’t force him to do anything, but that as a parent, I did have a little bit more experience and knowledge about the benefits of psychiatry and therapy, so I hoped he would at least give it a chance and go and evaluate for himself whether it could be helpful rather than deciding in advance that it wouldn’t work.

I say this kindly, but I think you really have to let go of the “regressing right when it matters“ mindset. He can feel that you’re judging him and that you think he is ruining his life and that’s not helpful.

OP here and I can’t thank you enough for sharing your perspective and experience. This is so very helpful and yes I agree, I need to shift my mindset and have this discussion with him. Part of this is my issue, I recognize that. He does have so much potential and so many good qualities. I see it. Others see it. But he doesn’t see it. I hate seeing him get in his own way, and that’s what’s happening. He is self sabotaging almost every success and every thing he is good at. That’s what troubles me. Coaches, advisors, teachers, all want to see him succeed and all give him chance after chance, sometimes almost begging him to return (coaches literally called him to talk and almost begged him to return to the team bc he was such an asset player) and offering to give extra help, extra time, extra chances, But he rejects or disregards it all. Immaturity? Disabilities? Depression? Self esteem? Control issues? It’s hard to observe as a parent. If he was 5 I would wrestle him into his car seat and make him go. But now I cannot.

I have reached out to another counseling program I found online and hope that we can get him in or at least we can do some parenting sessions.

I am going to try again to talk to him. He has been rejecting my overtures but maybe a lunch date with mom will help.

I wish he could have repeated a grade in 5th or 8th. That extra year would have helped. But my husband rejected the idea and then DS did too. So in a way it’s almost easier when the difficult parent is out of the equation. At least you can call the shots.

Truly appreciate your time to respond. Thank you.