I'm so depressed and worried about my kid. I just need to put this somewhere.

[Anonymous]

And adding some more, he applied to 4 year schools too. He decided to go with a 2 year program first and we found one that was away. I never thought we be at this point a year ago.

Just take it day by day!

[Anonymous]

Day by day
I’m glad you are reaching out. If you do have a friend group it helps to just have someone to talk to. For me I started to talk to a professional to help me parent and let go of the rope. It was very hard. Found a good therapist for my daughter also a junior. Slowly we are seeing some small changes. It really is about figuring out if your kid is college ready and sometime it just takes more time. Remember you aren’t suffering alone. A lot of families are having these struggles it’s just hard when you feel so isolated. Next year will be harder ..the year of last HS milestones.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I have a kid who really struggled starting in 8th grade. He ended up in residential treatment, then a very non-traditional high school where he was basically tutored. He had no prom, no sports, no clubs etc, and compared to our other kid, seemed to really miss out on quintessential high school experiences.

The truth is he was where he needed to be going at the pace he needed to be going at. He applied to college with a very non-traditional transcipt and lots of explanation as to the "why" and the growth. He got into many good colleges and after a rocky freshman year of adjustment is happy and doing all the college things.

This is to say that just because your kid has a not normal few years in high school doesn't mean your kid can't have a great college experience some day. The crazy college admissions frenzy has you believe that you have to follow a prescribed formula to have any chance, but this simply isn't true in my experience. Lots of kids have "issues" these days, so colleges are used to this. Just take it one day at a time, OP and help provide growth opportunities to your kid as is appropriate. But try not to get swept up in the "we missed the boat" feelings.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar kid as well, OP. The feelings from watching their peers do normal life things are really hard and isolating. I eventually found other parents like me in an online group and it helped to have a place I could talk about it. I also avoided many of my friends during this time because they were understandably excited about their kids’ futures, but I couldn’t handle those conversations.

My DC barely made it through high school due to anxiety/depression, spent a lot of that time in residential treatment and intensive outpatient programs. Then started with just two classes a semester in community college and worked a part time job. They slowly added credits until they were taking a full load and after a few years finished their AA degree and transferred to a 4 year college. Not a college I would have expected years ago, but a supportive school that’s not too far away so we are able to keep close tabs on their mental health. It’s working. There are many paths to adulthood and no deadlines. You and your DS will find the path that works for him.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. I can't thank you all enough. I'm still down today, but not where I was yesterday. Everyone really helped with their comments.

I wish the best for all of you and your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all. I'm feeling better just getting a chance to get it all out. I appreciate your kind responses

One bright spot has been it has made both me and especially my child become more empathetic and realizing people may be carrying burdens you don't know about.

OP, I obviously do not know you or your child but your statement just above tells me everything I need to know: that in times of incredible personal challenge and stress you both still manage to think positively and look to support others. It says volumes about each of you. It may take time but I do believe that you and your child will get to the other side of this current time.

Agree with this. Hang in there, OP. One day at time. Every kid on their own timeline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, I was there with my son. Junior year he had major surgery and then his anxiety worsened. I had a hard time getting hime to school. In fact he missed the last month (school made accommodations to make work up etc). All the normal junior year events never happened.

He did manage to submit applications in the fall with the help of a private college counselor who was aware of his anxiety and really performed a miracle to get his applications in.

He is now 24, graduated from college and working as a software engineer. I tell you this because I had many, many dark days worrying about him and his future. Things can change for the better, but the progress is not linear but can improve.

Sending you a hug, I have been there.

To this poster, would you mind sharing the college counselor. Our DS has anxiety too and I think it is going to take a special place type of person to see him through this stressful process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, I was there with my son. Junior year he had major surgery and then his anxiety worsened. I had a hard time getting hime to school. In fact he missed the last month (school made accommodations to make work up etc). All the normal junior year events never happened.

He did manage to submit applications in the fall with the help of a private college counselor who was aware of his anxiety and really performed a miracle to get his applications in.

He is now 24, graduated from college and working as a software engineer. I tell you this because I had many, many dark days worrying about him and his future. Things can change for the better, but the progress is not linear but can improve.

Sending you a hug, I have been there.

To this poster, would you mind sharing the college counselor. Our DS has anxiety too and I think it is going to take a special place type of person to see him through this stressful process.

OP here, I'd love any college counselor suggestions that understand different situations, too.

[Anonymous]

OP and to the all the responders. Thank you. I'm really sorry, OP, for the stress you are experiencing, and I hope it gets better. I'm really encouraged to read all of the responses here. I don't know if the OP and responders are in the DMV, but hearing that other kids struggled, found solutions and found their way is an amazing relief. We are surrounded by high achieving, type A families and sometimes it is so very hard to keep things in perspective. We have two kids, one is achieving, one is not thriving and we're at a loss how to move forward. It is so hard. Thank you OP for sharing. You are not alone.

[Anonymous]

OP and everyone - this is such an important thread. I know the fact that this is an anonymous forum is likely what allows us to post with such honesty, but I do often wish we could meet and support each other in person. It helps so much to have other loving parents that continue to worry about their struggling kids. I know for us, we had many people with some kind of meaningful worry for their kids in elementary and middle school. But now that our DS is in high school, it feels like everyone else's kids are leveling out while mine is still such a source of worry. I feel equal parts happy for my friends and hopeful that means we will come out the other side of this too, but them also a little jealous and still isolated.

My DS's biggest hurdle is that he has no friends due to his level I ASD/ADHD but he wants them. I can see him getting in his own way and turning people off and just not having the insight to stop himself. He's lonely and that makes him act immature and desperate, at an age where the other kids can smell that desperation and want to run the other direction. I just don't know anyone else whose kid has no real friends and wants them.

Also just letting it out on this thread - thanks for being a safe space, DCUM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP and everyone - this is such an important thread. I know the fact that this is an anonymous forum is likely what allows us to post with such honesty, but I do often wish we could meet and support each other in person. It helps so much to have other loving parents that continue to worry about their struggling kids. I know for us, we had many people with some kind of meaningful worry for their kids in elementary and middle school. But now that our DS is in high school, it feels like everyone else's kids are leveling out while mine is still such a source of worry. I feel equal parts happy for my friends and hopeful that means we will come out the other side of this too, but them also a little jealous and still isolated.

My DS's biggest hurdle is that he has no friends due to his level I ASD/ADHD but he wants them. I can see him getting in his own way and turning people off and just not having the insight to stop himself. He's lonely and that makes him act immature and desperate, at an age where the other kids can smell that desperation and want to run the other direction. I just don't know anyone else whose kid has no real friends and wants them.

Also just letting it out on this thread - thanks for being a safe space, DCUM

Mine is a freshmen in high school with no friends. He isn't desperately lonely all the time but sometimes he is. Plus I know how much less a drag school would be with friends. It's how I survived school! Like your son, he is great when he has friends but is cringy when he is trying to get them and around groups of kids. Kids are annoyed or turned off. There is nothing I can do to help

[Anonymous]

I have gotten so much support from the NAMI family support group. It’s great to talk to parents who get the struggle and are totally nonjudgmental. It’s also great to hear some of the stories from parents who have been around longer to reframe your definition of success.

[Anonymous]

OP, thinking of you.

My boyfriend's son was in special ed from 2nd grade through high school. His Mom deserted the family and the son was raised by my boyfriend as a single Dad.

For the first 3 years after high school the son worked as a luxury furniture delivery guy. People would tip him $100 per delivery. Who knew furniture was that lucrative in tips? He was well liked by the owners and his coworkers.

For the last 2 years he has worked as a tow truck driver (his career goal.) He will earn around $70,000 this year. We are really proud of him. He gets a lot of positive reviews on line and the owner gives him money for each positive review.

[Anonymous]

I’m one of the PPs who son was virtual and is a senior. A part time job changed everything for him. We had to really push and but getting out of the house regularly did wonders for his mood and then he loved working. Virtual classes were good for my son but the isolation is real.

It got better once he turned 16 and started driving. He was very motivated to drive and was good at it so left more.

If they like to work out, I also recommend a gym membership. Mine is motivated to go there. Even if he is not with others, at least he is out of the house and around others.

[Anonymous]

For some of the posters with lonely kids - have you considered a social skills group? My friend's kid - ASD1 and lonely - made friends in his social skills group and turned a corner at school as a result.