Do you discuss with your spouse how often you want sex?

[Anonymous]

Ebbs and flows with 27 years of marriage. In the beginning it was me (wife) who wanted more than we were having. Now, he's more interested and I am not so interested. We both go for it, and I always get into it once started

[Anonymous]

Not really. Part of that blame is on me, but my wife doesn't communicate about sex at all. And over the years I've given up trying because it's like talking to a brick wall.

[Anonymous]

We used to discuss it some. After 20 years we're at the point where we understand each other with little to no discussion needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We used to discuss it some. After 20 years we're at the point where we understand each other with little to no discussion needed.

What does this even mean?

[Anonymous]

We are at almost 25 and we check in with each other every few months with how we're feeling about frequency, etc. Not a lot of discussion at this point but it's more of a "you happy?" or what can we do to both be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve brought up that I’d like to more often. Doesn’t help.

Try doing more chores

That does not work!

I have to sleep with you because you did dishes and laundry?

I read PP as being sarcastic with the "chores" remark. I've seen it less around here in recent years, but there was a period of time where "choreplay" was all the rage in terms of recommendations given to men complaining about their sex life. But, as you note: a) it doesn't work; and b) it's kind of gross when you think about the transaction it implies.

I know others will point to overloaded wives and mothers who would be in the mood for sex more often if they just had a little time to relax. That's certainly not a demographic of zero. But I'm also not convinced it's a huge subset of the wives who don't really want to have sex with their husbands very often. There are women whose hormones are such that their libido isn't going to get revved up no matter how much free time they have. There are women who, no matter how much their husband takes off their plate, will fill that plate with a lot of other things other than sex. There are women whose husbands are already doing a shit ton for the relationship and the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We discuss it. Early into our relationship, we agreed to every other day of “something sexual.” That meant penetration or one of us giving to another one. We are 13 years into our marriage, three children, both work full time, one spouse in graduate school at night and one spouse with a health issue. We discuss it to be once a week. It works for us. When things are out of alignment, or if we need adjustments, we discuss. My husband discussed that he is on a new medication and that his drive is down. Ok. We adjust. I discuss that I need other things but not direct penetration during this time. We adjust.

Sounds healthy and mature.

[Anonymous]

I tell DH I need a release and he knows what that means. 😈

[Anonymous]

A few days ago I told DH “I know you’re really busy, but can we make time for sex in the next few days?” And then we had sex the next day.

He’ll say similar things to me. So often it just works out and if it feels like that pattern is off one of us will say something. But we don’t typically sit down and discuss sex.

[Anonymous]

I've always been too shy to talk about sex or ask for it. Not a shocker that I'm in a dead bedroom. I know I need to open up more. She hasn't seemed bothered by our lack of sex. She's always busy with something

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve brought up that I’d like to more often. Doesn’t help.

Try doing more chores

That does not work!

I have to sleep with you because you did dishes and laundry?

Exactly. She sounds like a nightmare in bed. ‘Here, darling because you put dishes away, you’re being rewarded’. The women that are great in bed are great because they want to be there also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve brought up that I’d like to more often. Doesn’t help.

Try doing more chores

That does not work!

I have to sleep with you because you did dishes and laundry?

I read PP as being sarcastic with the "chores" remark. I've seen it less around here in recent years, but there was a period of time where "choreplay" was all the rage in terms of recommendations given to men complaining about their sex life. But, as you note: a) it doesn't work; and b) it's kind of gross when you think about the transaction it implies.

I know others will point to overloaded wives and mothers who would be in the mood for sex more often if they just had a little time to relax. That's certainly not a demographic of zero. But I'm also not convinced it's a huge subset of the wives who don't really want to have sex with their husbands very often. There are women whose hormones are such that their libido isn't going to get revved up no matter how much free time they have. There are women who, no matter how much their husband takes off their plate, will fill that plate with a lot of other things other than sex. There are women whose husbands are already doing a shit ton for the relationship and the family.

I've got one of these.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve brought up that I’d like to more often. Doesn’t help.

Try doing more chores

That does not work!

I have to sleep with you because you did dishes and laundry?

I read PP as being sarcastic with the "chores" remark. I've seen it less around here in recent years, but there was a period of time where "choreplay" was all the rage in terms of recommendations given to men complaining about their sex life. But, as you note: a) it doesn't work; and b) it's kind of gross when you think about the transaction it implies.

I know others will point to overloaded wives and mothers who would be in the mood for sex more often if they just had a little time to relax. That's certainly not a demographic of zero. But I'm also not convinced it's a huge subset of the wives who don't really want to have sex with their husbands very often. There are women whose hormones are such that their libido isn't going to get revved up no matter how much free time they have. There are women who, no matter how much their husband takes off their plate, will fill that plate with a lot of other things other than sex. There are women whose husbands are already doing a shit ton for the relationship and the family.

NP.

I will go ahead and approach the 3rd rail topic here, after spending some time reading in The Peri and Menopause sub-forum here (I’m trying to understand/ relate to what DW is dealing with, and be supportive). The 3rd rail is: *hormones*

THERE. I said it!

Many if not most of the women in that sub forum have reported losing some or all of their libido (a few experienced the opposite). One particularly honest person even started a topic “Absolutely repulsed by intimacy.”

And many people over there are being honest about this libido change for them in their own menopause or even perimenopause journey:

- they are not suddenly rejecting their husbands for any rational or thought-out reasons.

It’s the hormones.

Theres lots of discussion there. Good discussion. But I don’t feel like there are any magical cures or anything. Some people really like being on HRT (and at least being on T seems to help with disappearing libido, plus energy).

But for most, perimenopause seems to mean interest in sex diminishes and eventually disappears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve brought up that I’d like to more often. Doesn’t help.

Try doing more chores

That does not work!

I have to sleep with you because you did dishes and laundry?

Exactly. She sounds like a nightmare in bed. ‘Here, darling because you put dishes away, you’re being rewarded’. The women that are great in bed are great because they want to be there also.

Yeah, no, choreplay doesn't work if you are expecting to get a BJ because you "helped out" around the house. Is there too much on your wife's plate all.the.time? is she working FT and doing all the kid stuff? Is she responsible for doctor's appointments? School management? Holidays? Then the answer is yes, and the reason choreplay doesn't work is you are a dick, sir.

[Anonymous]

Part of the reason that "hormones" is kind of a disfavored topic is because it feels awfully similar to the long and frequent pattern of men accusing women of being "emotional" when they are, in fact, expressing legitimate and rational grievances.

But, even though that history and that pattern are very real, a lot of times hormones really are the reason women don't want to have sex.

So, it's a tough conversation.