Husband having issues processing special needs

[Anonymous]

My husband reacted with depression the first year. My DS, now almost 19, has a rare syndrome and he was our first child. The first two years were rough with tons of drs appointments and starting all the therapies.

He and I got help and also joined special needs parents group where we met a lot of other parents.

As many others mentioned, it just takes time. It did get easier and my husband is a very hands on dad.

[Anonymous]

I have no experience with this, but remember the movie "Mr Holland's Opus?"

Mr. Holland is a musician. He and his wife have a deaf child. He's devastated.

His reaction is that his son has to learn to talk and read lips and act as normal as possible. He blows up at his wife when he catches her signing to the son. She fights back,saying that the little boy is frustrated and she is frustrated because he can't communicate and if signing helps him do that, then she's going to learn how to sign right along with the little boy. Mom and Dad have a huge fight.

It takes a long time for him to accept his son's differences.

Yes, I know life is not a movie. I just think your H's response to your child's limitations is a lot like Mr. Holland's. Life Mr Holland he'll probably get there eventually, but his reaction now is anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, while I generally agree with all the other posters, I think there’s some value to the dads who are in denial and push back. Because I think a lot of moms are inclined to double down on their kids SNs in a way that is not always healthy. I think there’s often a healthy middle ground that probably falls somewhere between the two parents views on things. As some parents on this forum will tell you (after having gone thru years of this process), there may be good reasons to be skeptical of some of the stuff that gets pushed on parents and sn kids by the whole sn complex, and a lot of us figured out that it was better for our kids and families to step back from some of it. I don’t think the right answer is to deny sns like a lot of dads do, but I think that view can provide an important balance to some moms who get consumed by the sn life.

+1 DH and I are a team. I’m definitely the “all in” type to address any issue and he’s more of a skeptic. While it’s been frustrating at times it’s a good balance. Our kids don’t need all the interventions all the time!

Completely agree some skepticism is helpful (though what the OP is reporting goes beyond that IMHO). We did not want to default to asking for the laundry list of accommodations in my kid's neuropsych, which seemed to super generic and excessive to both of us, but my DH was particularly put off by it. I don't think it's a bad thing to observe your kid after a diagnosis and take a wait and see approach to whether your kid can improve with less. Unless the situation is super clear -- ours was not and I'm glad we have hung back for now.

But that's the point - some skepticism is healthy. Moms often have no skepticism, dads are completely skeptical. The 'right' answer is between them. To criticize the DH here as going beyond healthy skepticism likely requires looking at a lot of moms and calling them out for being excessively helicopter on SNs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, while I generally agree with all the other posters, I think there’s some value to the dads who are in denial and push back. Because I think a lot of moms are inclined to double down on their kids SNs in a way that is not always healthy. I think there’s often a healthy middle ground that probably falls somewhere between the two parents views on things. As some parents on this forum will tell you (after having gone thru years of this process), there may be good reasons to be skeptical of some of the stuff that gets pushed on parents and sn kids by the whole sn complex, and a lot of us figured out that it was better for our kids and families to step back from some of it. I don’t think the right answer is to deny sns like a lot of dads do, but I think that view can provide an important balance to some moms who get consumed by the sn life.

+1 DH and I are a team. I’m definitely the “all in” type to address any issue and he’s more of a skeptic. While it’s been frustrating at times it’s a good balance. Our kids don’t need all the interventions all the time!

Completely agree some skepticism is helpful (though what the OP is reporting goes beyond that IMHO). We did not want to default to asking for the laundry list of accommodations in my kid's neuropsych, which seemed to super generic and excessive to both of us, but my DH was particularly put off by it. I don't think it's a bad thing to observe your kid after a diagnosis and take a wait and see approach to whether your kid can improve with less. Unless the situation is super clear -- ours was not and I'm glad we have hung back for now.

But that's the point - some skepticism is healthy. Moms often have no skepticism, dads are completely skeptical. The 'right' answer is between them. To criticize the DH here as going beyond healthy skepticism likely requires looking at a lot of moms and calling them out for being excessively helicopter on SNs.

Well moms are more likely to be the ones spending more time with the kids, so is it any surprise they see a need for and ask for more help than dads who are generally less likely to be spending as much time with kids and then are genreally clueless? Commenting based on a friend's experience, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, while I generally agree with all the other posters, I think there’s some value to the dads who are in denial and push back. Because I think a lot of moms are inclined to double down on their kids SNs in a way that is not always healthy. I think there’s often a healthy middle ground that probably falls somewhere between the two parents views on things. As some parents on this forum will tell you (after having gone thru years of this process), there may be good reasons to be skeptical of some of the stuff that gets pushed on parents and sn kids by the whole sn complex, and a lot of us figured out that it was better for our kids and families to step back from some of it. I don’t think the right answer is to deny sns like a lot of dads do, but I think that view can provide an important balance to some moms who get consumed by the sn life.

Amen. I’m a dad who “rejected the diagnosis” while still recognizing that our kid had certain needs and some behavioral issues that we needed to work on and I think it worked out very well. I think these big broad diagnoses (in our case autism) often don’t fit individual kids very well and there can be a lot of panic and fear about the worst things associated with them.

[Anonymous]

He's embarrassed to have a special needs kid. Watch out that he doesn't do what my parents did, and try to discipline it out of them. I grew up a constantly punished kid to the point that I couldn't even remember what I was in trouble for, and didn't get the help I needed. Even now at almost 50 I struggle daily because trying to work around yourself only gets you so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't have a diagnosis yet, just that some issues have been flagged for additional screening. My husband is not at all cool about everything. He's very angry. I've tried to calm him down but he's spiraling at the mention of any kind of accommodations.

OP what accommodations are you talking about? Are you getting ahead of yourself? Parenting someone with SN is about much more than accommodations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't have a diagnosis yet, just that some issues have been flagged for additional screening. My husband is not at all cool about everything. He's very angry. I've tried to calm him down but he's spiraling at the mention of any kind of accommodations.

Anyone else BTDT? Fwiw he's usually a very cool headed person. He's never once been this way about friends, family, etc with special needs.

if he can't get over it suggest he get therapy

[Anonymous]

Coming back to update. He was incredibly embarrassing in the meeting with the school. Despite us talking about it in advance, he made his comments about how he doesn't want our child labeled, called special needs, or have accommodations for a long period of time "to college". He wants the label removed as soon as possible.

None of which was being proposed. Literally all we are currently talking about is more testing / evaluations. I was dying of embarrassment. The school was super professional and answered his questions with the professionalism you would expect.

After the meeting I can't stand to be around him. I'm disgusted by the things he said. Come to find out these are his insecurities from childhood and he won't address and is putting that on our child. I don't know how to get over how he acted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Coming back to update. He was incredibly embarrassing in the meeting with the school. Despite us talking about it in advance, he made his comments about how he doesn't want our child labeled, called special needs, or have accommodations for a long period of time "to college". He wants the label removed as soon as possible.

None of which was being proposed. Literally all we are currently talking about is more testing / evaluations. I was dying of embarrassment. The school was super professional and answered his questions with the professionalism you would expect.

After the meeting I can't stand to be around him. I'm disgusted by the things he said. Come to find out these are his insecurities from childhood and he won't address and is putting that on our child. I don't know how to get over how he acted.

I'm sorry. But please, try to let the embarrassment go. For school staff this is INCREDIBLY common, they are used to it and it does not annoy or surprise them. That is why they were easily able to be professional about it. It's all in a day's work for them. Focus on your child, who needs you, and on your DH's issues and difficulties. But do not give another thought to school staff's opinion of your DH. I've been a school staff member in SO many IEP meetings that go like this, and I just let it roll off my back and make a mental note to be extra caring to the mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Coming back to update. He was incredibly embarrassing in the meeting with the school. Despite us talking about it in advance, he made his comments about how he doesn't want our child labeled, called special needs, or have accommodations for a long period of time "to college". He wants the label removed as soon as possible.

None of which was being proposed. Literally all we are currently talking about is more testing / evaluations. I was dying of embarrassment. The school was super professional and answered his questions with the professionalism you would expect.

After the meeting I can't stand to be around him. I'm disgusted by the things he said. Come to find out these are his insecurities from childhood and he won't address and is putting that on our child. I don't know how to get over how he acted.

I'm sorry. But please, try to let the embarrassment go. For school staff this is INCREDIBLY common, they are used to it and it does not annoy or surprise them. That is why they were easily able to be professional about it. It's all in a day's work for them. Focus on your child, who needs you, and on your DH's issues and difficulties. But do not give another thought to school staff's opinion of your DH. I've been a school staff member in SO many IEP meetings that go like this, and I just let it roll off my back and make a mental note to be extra caring to the mom.

Thank you really appreciate that. I know they have heard much worse than what my husband said. I feel hurt by his words. I also feel like it's super hurtful to friends, family, the works that have special education needs. It felt like such a betrayal to hear him say those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Coming back to update. He was incredibly embarrassing in the meeting with the school. Despite us talking about it in advance, he made his comments about how he doesn't want our child labeled, called special needs, or have accommodations for a long period of time "to college". He wants the label removed as soon as possible.

None of which was being proposed. Literally all we are currently talking about is more testing / evaluations. I was dying of embarrassment. The school was super professional and answered his questions with the professionalism you would expect.

After the meeting I can't stand to be around him. I'm disgusted by the things he said. Come to find out these are his insecurities from childhood and he won't address and is putting that on our child. I don't know how to get over how he acted.

I'm sorry. But please, try to let the embarrassment go. For school staff this is INCREDIBLY common, they are used to it and it does not annoy or surprise them. That is why they were easily able to be professional about it. It's all in a day's work for them. Focus on your child, who needs you, and on your DH's issues and difficulties. But do not give another thought to school staff's opinion of your DH. I've been a school staff member in SO many IEP meetings that go like this, and I just let it roll off my back and make a mental note to be extra caring to the mom.

Thank you really appreciate that. I know they have heard much worse than what my husband said. I feel hurt by his words. I also feel like it's super hurtful to friends, family, the works that have special education needs. It felt like such a betrayal to hear him say those things.

Well yes. I feel for you! Hopefully this is just the beginning of his coping process and he will come around and do better in the future as he learns more. Focus on your child and give your DH some space to process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Coming back to update. He was incredibly embarrassing in the meeting with the school. Despite us talking about it in advance, he made his comments about how he doesn't want our child labeled, called special needs, or have accommodations for a long period of time "to college". He wants the label removed as soon as possible.

None of which was being proposed. Literally all we are currently talking about is more testing / evaluations. I was dying of embarrassment. The school was super professional and answered his questions with the professionalism you would expect.

After the meeting I can't stand to be around him. I'm disgusted by the things he said. Come to find out these are his insecurities from childhood and he won't address and is putting that on our child. I don't know how to get over how he acted.

I'm sorry. But please, try to let the embarrassment go. For school staff this is INCREDIBLY common, they are used to it and it does not annoy or surprise them. That is why they were easily able to be professional about it. It's all in a day's work for them. Focus on your child, who needs you, and on your DH's issues and difficulties. But do not give another thought to school staff's opinion of your DH. I've been a school staff member in SO many IEP meetings that go like this, and I just let it roll off my back and make a mental note to be extra caring to the mom.

Thank you really appreciate that. I know they have heard much worse than what my husband said. I feel hurt by his words. I also feel like it's super hurtful to friends, family, the works that have special education needs. It felt like such a betrayal to hear him say those things.

I say this as someone who has been there, and with so much empathy to what you are going through, but consider whether there's a chance that you're stuck on your anger towards your husband because it's easier to be mad at him than to be sad and uncertain about what is happening with your kid. Not that you don't have reason to be mad at your husband, just that maybe you're stuck there because you're having a tough time. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, while I generally agree with all the other posters, I think there’s some value to the dads who are in denial and push back. Because I think a lot of moms are inclined to double down on their kids SNs in a way that is not always healthy. I think there’s often a healthy middle ground that probably falls somewhere between the two parents views on things. As some parents on this forum will tell you (after having gone thru years of this process), there may be good reasons to be skeptical of some of the stuff that gets pushed on parents and sn kids by the whole sn complex, and a lot of us figured out that it was better for our kids and families to step back from some of it. I don’t think the right answer is to deny sns like a lot of dads do, but I think that view can provide an important balance to some moms who get consumed by the sn life.

Amen. I’m a dad who “rejected the diagnosis” while still recognizing that our kid had certain needs and some behavioral issues that we needed to work on and I think it worked out very well. I think these big broad diagnoses (in our case autism) often don’t fit individual kids very well and there can be a lot of panic and fear about the worst things associated with them.

Interesting that you couldn't reframe instead of accepting the autism diagnosis but acknowledging that the autism diagnosis reflects a very wide spectrum of issues, probably because it has a complex, multi-factorial basis including genes and environment.

Curious why you felt need to "reject" the diagnosis?

I ask because I have a dear friend whose kid did not get diagnosed with autism until she was in college. The kid herself expresses a lot of relief at having a diagnosis that fits her (previously diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety) and even shares her diagnosis (appropriately) that she has autism. She was an extremely high-functioning kid who completed college and grad school, so in that sense I could see why either of her parents might "reject" an autism diagnosis because she is very far to one side of the autism spectrum and her parents could have feared that labelling her would diminish others expectations of her. (TBC, her parents never rejected the diagnosis.)

I also think my brother has some autistic traits, although he has never had any diagnoses. IMO, an autism diagnosis could have helped him recognize that some of his "personality" traits were a function of neurology and he maybe could have gotten some help from a therapist understanding and managing his emotions and being explicitly taught social skills. That would have made a world of difference to his life even though he is very "successful" in many traditional measures like job stability and income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Coming back to update. He was incredibly embarrassing in the meeting with the school. Despite us talking about it in advance, he made his comments about how he doesn't want our child labeled, called special needs, or have accommodations for a long period of time "to college". He wants the label removed as soon as possible.

None of which was being proposed. Literally all we are currently talking about is more testing / evaluations. I was dying of embarrassment. The school was super professional and answered his questions with the professionalism you would expect.

After the meeting I can't stand to be around him. I'm disgusted by the things he said. Come to find out these are his insecurities from childhood and he won't address and is putting that on our child. I don't know how to get over how he acted.

Couples and individual therapy with a therapist who works with special needs parents and siblings.